All Entries Tagged With: "News"
Mom and Pop Sex Shops Driven out of Business By Evil Corporations
Springfield, MO- The main street of yesteryear faced a huge blow yesterday when yet another mom and pop shop went out of business. The “Paradise” sex shop, which has been apart of the Appleton family for generations, was brought out by the faceless entity known as “Romantixxx”. “This is a real shame,” says great-grandma Marlene […]
Resolutionist Resolves to Relax
Springfield, MO – Ralph Robbermerg has claimed a new resolution – to become a Relaxation Resolutionist. Maxing the most of his life, Robbermerg has committed to reading fiction, playing video games and hanging around a pool whenever possible. “Listen, I’ve worked for most of my life and all I really have at the end of […]
Fiscal Cliff Protest Jump Planned at Table Rock Lake
Branson, MO – Thousands of fiscally-minded citizens plan to jump into icy water at the Swings cliff on Table Rock Lake to garner attention and avert the budgetary collision of tax hikes and spending cuts that threaten the U.S. economic recovery this week. Event organizers have registered hoards of cliff jumpers eager to pay $25 […]
50 Shades of Santa Guy Seeks New Location
Springfield, MO – For weeks, a Santa Claus clad figure was seen on Glenstone promoting a local business while indulging in an erotic novel. Now that the holidays are over, local Santa/poster guy, Curtis Yipraw is looking for another public outlet to read his tasty novel. “It truly was exciting reading about Anastasia and Christian’s […]
The Dentist – Motivational Speaker
Let’s face it (no pun intended), The Dentist, while probably a decent human being, SUCKS!! Nobody, and I mean Nobody, likes to go to The Dentist. All the horror of humanity is ingested and, at times, spewed out of this ghastly ring we call our mouth and there is only one that truly knows what […]
Hammons, Pitt & Morris Combine to Defeat Mayan Apocalypse, World Celebrates
Springfield, MO – After months of secret collaborative efforts three native Springfield businessmen have successfully thwarted the impending doom predicted by final days of the Mayan Calendar. John Q. Hammons, Brad Pitt and Johnny Morris appeared disheveled and bruised early this morning but beamed proudly at their world-saving accomplishment. According to reports, the men played […]
5 Guys Burgers Seriously Considering Hiring 6th Guy
Springfield, MO- With the opening of “5 Guys Burgers” in the Battlefield Mall many Springfield patrons are flocking to the new eating establishment which is causing stress to the only 5 employees. “I don’t know what we were thinking,” said Joseph “Guy 3” Barton while he simultaneously took 3 orders and bused 2 tables. “We […]
First Name Basis Only Commercial Zone on Campbell Ave.
Springfield, MO – Sam’s, Casey’s, Freddy’s, Andy’s, and Famous Dave’s are taking advantage of specially zoned area on either side of south Campbell avenue, accessible via the gateway to first name business land: James River Expressway. Companies whose dba reflects a male or female first name have been incented to locate along this strip of […]
Hinese Food Offered in SGF
Springfield, MO – A local restaurant is offering a new cuisine that’s sure to be the butt of many jokes: Hinese food. Patrons are unsure if the food is intended to be ingested via the hiney or if the food being served is made from the hiney of an animal. “Yeah, sure I’d try me […]
Santa Fe Grill hosts SGF Santacon
Springfield, MO – Local eatery Santa Fe Grill will be turning into the “Santa” Grill this season as holidays heat up and patrons are looking for more festive dining options. One of the events of Santa Grill will be a new Springfield tradition based on Santacon in NYC, San Francisco and other nationwide locations. “Santacon […]
“Huge Asteroid No Threat to Earth” Laughs, Running and Screaming Astronomers
Springfield, MO – Local astronomers are claiming that the large asteroid flying in nearly the same orbit as Earth will make a close pass by the planet, but there’s no chance of an impact. Several astronomers at Baker Observatory, Ozarks Amateur Astronomers Club (OAAC) confirmed that claim while packing several cases of survival food packages […]
Monkey Appears at Hammons Tower
Springfield, MO – A fashionable dressed monkey appeared inside the Hammons Tower this week, just days after causing a stir at a Toronto Ikea store. The primate was seen completing law agreements and managing teller responsibilities within the massive building. “I went inside to use the Empire ATM and this monkey took my ATM card […]
