All Entries Tagged With: "News"
Springfield City Sales Tax Continuation Reveals Horrifying Fine Print
Springfield, MO- Days after 74% of voters approved a sales tax continuation, law makers discovered small text that shows an insidious and terrifying side to the proposition. Although the continuation was said to improve Republic Road, the construction was also to release unspeakable evil. “We thought it was cut and dry until we say the […]
Urban Warrior Color Run This Weekend!?
Springfield, MO – According to someone awesome, two epic races have been positioned to collide unexpectedly this weekend to create the Urban Warrior Color Run – a merger of the Springfield Urban Warrior Challenge and the Color Run. Unbeknownst to many race participants, start times and days were misinterpreted to create this one of a […]
Springfieldians Vote In Record Numbers…On Facebook Polls
Springfield, MO- In a stunning show of the power of democracy a record amount of Springfield citizens showed their love of the democratic process by voting in various elections across the area. Unfortunately the vast majority of the votes were cast in Facebook polls. “I know it is my patriotic duty to cast my vote […]
Murder Story Followed By Happy Weather Report
Springfield, MO – In recent news, a horrible story regarding one person murdering another person was quickly follow up by a snappy upbeat weather report! Weather is commonly used to soften the blow to viewers after an unsavory piece of bad information is shared. News teams have relied upon the weather to transition from gruesome […]
Office Worker Lives A Lie During Bracket Water Cooler Conservation
Springfield, MO- Winston Baxter had to face yet another day of deceit and deception when he had to fake a basic knowledge of NCAA tournament play. Winston, who knows nothing about any form of sports whatsoever, feels that unless he tricks his fellow co-workers to believe he knows/cares about college basketball he will not be […]
Nixa’s Non-chlorinated Water Totally Safe, Sudden Outbreak of Super Heroes/Villains a Total Coincidences
Nixa, MO- A new study shows that Nixa’s drinking water is totally safe even without any disinfections to purify the water. The 75,000 dollar study shows that even though Nixa has a very large water system, its water is totally safe to drink. On a totally unrelated note, a variety of super heroes and foes […]
Horrifying Statue Unveiled in Leong’s Honor
Springfield, MO – After Congressman Billy Long presented cashew chicken inventor David Leong with a Congressional Record Statement a horrifying statue was unveiled of Leong made entirely of cashew chicken and bronzed. “What the hell is that?!” screamed everyone in attendance. Several women fainted and many men openly wept at the shockingly terrifying image. The […]
Officers Equipped with Soap Guns for City Council Meetings
Springfield, MO – Following Mayor Stephen’s recent declaration banning swearing, officers providing protection at City Council meetings will be equipped with a new piece of law enforcement equipment– a soap gun. City leaders worked with the police chief and considered numerous equipment enhancements including Super Soakers filled with soapy water, a fire hose filled with […]
Springfield Public Schools Buys Fleet of “Imperial Walkers” To Combat Snow Days
Springfield, MO- Due to a stubborn winter that refuses to relent, Springfield Public Schools bought a fleet of “Imperial Walkers” (also known as AT-AT’s) to make sure snow days are no longer an issue. “We will no longer be a slave to old man winter,” said Superintendent Norm Vader while wearing a black cloak that […]
Hobo Trap Set Downtown!
Springfield, MO – A giant cage used for catching hobos has been placed on west Phelps Street in downtown Springfield. Baited with loose cans and broken dreams the trap is part of a plan to rid the city streets of unsightly vagabonds. City Officials hope that the new effort will revitalize a once vibrant neighborhood. […]
KOZL Announces 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon
Springfield, MO – Meteorologist Chris Smith is turning his 3 Degree Guarantee contest into a new weekly game of 6 Degrees of SGF Separation from Kevin Bacon. Viewers can simply enter their name and Smith will have five seconds to connect the viewer to American actor Kevin Bacon. According to a station source, the game […]
Time Traveler Warns Springfield About New Walmart’s Impact
Springfield, MO- A crowd was amazed yesterday when a time traveler hailing from Springfield’s near future decried the construction of the new Neighborhood market on Campbell Street. The traveler, named Kyle Reese, said that the market will spell doom for downtown, Springfield, and the world. Wearing super futuristic glasses and hair all spiked up and “future […]
Downstream Casino Build On Ancient White Guy Burial Ground
Springfield, MO- Numerous strange occurrences are taking place at Downstream Casio and hotel due to its construction over an ancient burial site filled with ancient white guys. Representatives at the casino assure guest that the alleged haunting are either simply rumors. “I was just relaxing in the lobby and suddenly a white guy, who was […]
