All Entries Tagged With: "missouri"
Area Locals Worried About Apartment Fires Wearing Asbestos Underwear
Springfield, MO – According to a recent CoxHealth report, the soaring number of apartment fires in the SW Missouri region have caused panicking cigarette smokers to wrap their private parts in cloth made from the dangerous mineral compound “asbestos.” Health officials warn that asbestos is a highly toxic substance once widely used in construction […]
Honey Boo Boo Rallies for Claire McCaskill
Springfield, MO – Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill got a campaign trail boost Tuesday as Honey Boo Boo – a reality television personality on TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo that features beauty pageant participants, filmed in and around rural McIntyre, Georgia – headlined two days of rallies as the Democrat maintains a competitive race against […]
Man Jumps from Tower Theater – Breaks No Records
Springfield, MO – Henry Figerson decided to base-jump from the tip-top of the Tower Theater this week to celebrate his daredevil lifestyle. Climbing an un-towering 42-feet into the air, Figerson looked out over the land he was about to conquer and someday dreamed of being paid for somewhat life threatening stunts. “Ah, yeah, I guess […]
Electronic Street Signs Increasingly Directed at One Man
Springfield, MO – When the City of Springfield first installed digital signs along major streets within the city they announced that they would display messages helpful to the general public. City Manager Greg Burris said at the time, “The signs allow us to communicate safe driving tips as well as traffic information that may help […]
Big Bird Migrates to Branson Theater
Branson, MO – Upon Mitt Romney’s announcement that he’ll fire Big Bird, offers to the beloved Sesame Street icon have been pouring in. FCN has learned exclusively that Mr. Bird has been offered a show in Branson. Mr. Bird commented in an exclusive interview, “I’m in negotiations to take over at Yakov’s theater next year […]
Area Libraries Hold Tolkien Festival Because Libraries Are Simply Not Dorky Enough
Springfield, MO- With Springfield Public Libraries’ dork levels at an all time low, many library administers are pulling out all the stops to re-nerdify the sacred geeky haven. After many failed attempts such as a Star Trek fan fiction night and Dr. Who poetry readings, the powers at be decided a Tolkien Festival will be […]
Some Republicans Actually Still have Todd Akin Signs in Their Yards
SPRINGFIELD, MO – Republicans and Democrats alike are shocked to find that even after so many controversial comments from Republican senate candidate Todd ‘Legitimate Rape’ Akin, some Republicans still, for some reason, have signs supporting him in their front yards. “It’s mind-blowing. Just that anyone could support him after what he’s said is crazy,” said […]
Romney Wants to Cut Funding to Tom Trtan’s Mustache
Springfield, MO - Wednesday night was the first of a set of three presidential debates between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama. Pundits on both sides agree that Romney was the clear winner. Romney appeared more prepared, more energetic, and with a better grasp of the issues. To many, however, it was one […]
Akin Campaign Rebrands Itself with New “Re-Todd” Slogan
Jefferson City, MO – In a bid to resurrect his image to Missouri voters and distance himself from past statements, Rep. Todd Akin’s U.S. Senate campaign has rebranded themselves with a new slogan. The campaign team thought it was important to give voters a fresh impression of the man that Republicans see as key to […]
Flavored Meth Featured at Taste of Springfield
Springfield, MO – Native cuisines will be featured at SW Missouri’s growing festival, Taste of Springfield, this weekend downtown on the square. One specific booth will feature a recipe widely regarded as more popular than Chef David Leong’s cashew chicken: methamphetamines. The flavored meth booth will be one of 25-30 local restaurant exhibitors, cooking technique […]
Springfield Panhandlers Go On Strike
Springfield, MO- Blaming low pay, poor work conditions, and lack of benefits, local panhandlers are refusing to go to “work” starting on Thursdays. Panhandlers (who have been unionized since the late 80’s) Union Local 45 tells FCN unless conditions improve the homeless citizens will not be lifting a finger. A list of grievances given to […]
Apple Maps Drive SGF to the Core of Frustration
Springfield, MO – Apple’s new iPhone mapping software has caused quite a few problems in Springfield, FCN has learned. “I spent 3 hours following my iPhone trying to find the corner of Glenstone and Campbell to find that damn Jack in the Box,” St Louis native Andrea Piacello said in disgust while eating tacos from […]
Strippin’ Section of Sunshine Street Leads to Awkward Conversations
Springfield, MO- Charles Cranward’s trip down Sunshine street caused many awkward situations due to the numerous strip clubs and adult novelty shops on Tuesday. When the mid-level accountant drove from Bass Pro Shops to his home in west Springfield with his two daughters, Madison (age 9) and Lizzy (age 5), he had to face a […]
Robert E. Smith Mona Lisa Discovered
Springfield, MO – Leonardo da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” has just become more mysterious due to the discovery of another painting unearthed by late local artist Robert E. Smith. The Smith version of Mona Lisa predates the original and begs the question, how did he do it? “Smith was always a timeless personality – I had […]
