All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Man Cheats Life with Disloyalty Card
Springfield, MO—Wednesday Tony Ugumba was provided with a “Disloyalty Card” at his local coffee shop; a card he used to excess. In a 6-hour period, Ugumba effectively destroyed his credit, marriage, and his friend’s trust, all in one afternoon. According to witnesses, Ugumba lied on a loan application to gain access to over $25,000 in […]
Fugitive Escapes, Trims Hedges
Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail. Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now […]
MSU Joins Big 12, Bolts for Pac-10
Springfield, MO—The changing landscape of college football has spawned another leap of leagues here in Southwest Missouri. On Friday, Missouri State University announced plans to withdraw from The Gateway Conference to accept a bid into the Big 12 conference. Officials announced the change to the Big 12 during a press conference then immediately followed up […]
Oil-Soaked Fisherman Wash Into Ozarks
Springfield, MO — Oil-covered fisherman and oil-soaked tourism proprietors have reportedly washed into the Ozarks as a result of the Gulf Oil Disaster. The effort to save Homo sapiens affected by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Greene County as people stricken by the disaster move north […]
Devil Scorpion Turn Ahead
Springfield, MO—Tuesday a motorist encountered a strange street sign and became confused as to the signs intentions. Jill Montery said, “It looked like there was a strange devil scorpion warning sign. I just did a quick u-turn and avoided the street altogether. I don’t like those nasty tailed lizards.” Others have found the sign to […]
Weatherman Steals Sportscaster’s Thunder
Springfield, MO—Amid threats of severe weather in the Ozarks, one local sportscaster once again lost airtime to boring weather updates. A stupid severe thunderstorm watch drained a local sportscaster of precious minutes to cover life changing events such as an almost perfect baseball game, the retirement of an aging baseball player and an update on […]
The Next Generation…
Mike McMichealson Motivational Columnist/Speaker Ah yes, the Youth of America. Let’s consider what we have to look forward to shall we? Been to the DMV lately? Well, let’s just say those folks don’t look so bad compared to the tattoo ridden, lip-ring wearing counter clerk at my neighborhood Subway. I hate to generalize—I mean, I […]
Classic Car Owners Wave All Weekend
Springfield, MO—Drivers of classic cars spent a good deal of time this past weekend driving around town waving to each other. The friendly sign of acknowledgement was displayed whenever one driver of a historic vehicle crossed paths with another driver of a restored antiquated mode of transportation. The preferences for cars from a bygone era […]
Body Hair Competition This Weekend
Springfield, MO—The first ever Body Hair Competition will be held at Patton Alley Pub immediately after the first ever Springfield Beard and Moustache Competition at 6:30 pm, here in the Ozarks. The Body Hair Competition was created for contestants who are not equipped with enough facial hair to compete in the headlining event. Body Hair […]
New Ziggie’s Opens in Basement
Springfield, MO—According to sources, a new Ziggie’s restaurant has opened in the basement of Randolph Heckerson’s home at 2348 S. Tucker. The new location will feature the same trademark menu and atmosphere as existing restaurants currently in operation around the Ozarks. According to Heckerson he found the business after returning home from work as an […]
Uproar Over Take on Arthurian Legend at Gillioz Theatre
Springfield, MO—The Greene County chapter of Druids for Arthurian Accuracy and Pretend Sword Fighting have forced a local production/reworking of the Sword in the Stone tale to retitle and rewrite the play. OTC, in conjunction with The Gillioz Theatre, was scheduled to present Misty Unger’s “Arthur’s Bedsores, Merlin’s Piles” Elder Neglect in Dark Age Nursing […]
Woodruff, McDaniel Buildings Sold To History Channel
Springfield, MO—The Woodruff and McDaniel buildings on Park Central East have been sold to the History Channel to be featured on a future episode of Life After People. A History Channel representative said filming will begin once the buildings start to show signs of visible decline, which should be soon since the utilities have been […]
Rogue Trees Get Payback
Springfield, MO—During the month of April, local trees claimed to pay back Springfieldians with potential lifetime benefits, however, several trees on the Drury campus had another message for locals. “This tree hasn’t done anything for us lately” and “This tree was kind of a dick to us in high school” messaging was found hanging on […]
Local Man Offers City $3 For Vacant Lot
Springfield, MO – Floyd Harvill is making the City of Springfield an offer that he claims would be “irresponsible to refuse.” With the City recently taking back the much-hyped vacant lot after negotiations with local hotelier Johnny Q. Hammons failed, Harvill thought it was a good time to act. “Fortune favors the bold, and lightning […]
