All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Nelly Claims Grand Palace Too “Hot in Herre”
Branson, MO—Cornell Haynes, Jr., better known as Nelly, had planned to perform an outdoor concert in the Grand Palace parking lot August 21st before the City of Branson turned down a permit for the event. Having visited the Grand Palace, Nelly claimed the theatre was “getting hot in here” and preferred to have an outdoor […]
Japanese Beatles Headed to Branson
Branson, MO – Liverpool Legends stage manager, Mitch Grunion, couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the billboard on Hwy. 76 displaying a color ad for the Japanese Beatles performing live at the Butterfly Palace. “Louise isn’t going to like this” he exclaimed as he pulled over to snap a picture of the ad on […]
Man Dies of Good Health
Springfield, MO – A local man was found dead Thursday outside the Roughage Mart health food store on National Street after collapsing from too much health. Wayne Abcruncher, 46, was found by Roughage Mart employee Ashli Wheemonger upon her arrival for work Thursday morning. She said that Abcruncher had been a longtime customer and a […]
Lady Gaga To Headline Annual I Love America Celebration
Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a […]
Woody Does Justice to Entrepreneurial Spirit
Springfield, MO – Jeweler (by personal request) to The Ozarks, Woody Justice, recently designed and introduced a new line of revolutionary engagement jewelry featuring the Ball and Chain Pendant. “This concept, developed right here at our Springfield store, puts a whole new spin on the contemporary marriage scene.” Justice proclaimed. “With so many guys unwilling […]
Springfield…Big City?? I don’t think so…
Mike McMichealson Motivational Columnist/Speaker I went to a nice restaurant recently…that will remain unnamed…and it came to my attention that some people here in Springfield really think they are a “big deal.” Seriously, let me remind all of you, we are a far cry from the “big city” and in this Podunk town, there is […]
Local Boyfriend’s Weekend Revolves Around Vampires
Springfield, MO- Tom Ragsdale’s, a local boyfriend to Jessica Swanson, entire weekend will be dedicated to the undead thanks to his girlfriend’s love affair with the blood drinkers. “Oh my gosh I am so excited. We are going to see Eclipse on Friday! We are even wearing matching T-Shirts,” exclaimed Jessica to her girlfriend over […]
Smoking Ban Debated Thru Hole In Neck
Springfield, MO—Roger Thornsburry spoke eloquently through the hole in his neck last night at the Springfield City Council’s public’s opinion regarding the proposed Smoke-Free Air Ordinance. Thornsburry voiced his opinion thru his artificial larynx and pleaded with the nine council members to not “take away my freedoms”. Thornsburry was joined by several hundred other smoking […]
Hooligans at Gastropub Consume Packaged Foods
Springfield, MO—After watching Germany beat England, hooligans demonstrated their displeasure at Farmers Gastropub by consuming processed foods flown in from around the country. The pub opened early for World Cup fans and the owners had no idea that hooligans would disrupt the restaurant after such a poor showing among the English soccer team. Said one […]
Raw Emotion Contained By Cubicle
Springfield, MO—Randy Hulstalk* successfully contained his raw emotion for the US National soccer team within his cubicle Wednesday. During the USA v. Algeria FIFA World Cup game, Hulstalk secretly streamed the match on his computer monitor, a major violation of company office policies. He successfully stifled his screams, shouting and even pumped his arms in […]
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
Commuter Drives Speed Limit
Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the […]
Naked Cooling Center at Ice Park
Springfield, MO—Mediacom Ice Park opened to the general public today as a cooling center due to the heat advisory in Southwest Missouri. Those wishing to take advantage of the cooler temperatures were encouraged to strip off their clothing and sit on the freshly Zambonied ice rink. Hundreds of people showed up to take advantage of […]
Tiny Circuses Pop Up Around Town
Springfield, MO—A curious amount of small multi-colored tents have popped up around the Ozarks prompting much anticipation among citizens for the arrival of travelling companies filled with performers such as acrobats, clowns, trained animals, trapeze acts, musicians, hoopers, tightrope walkers, jugglers, unicyclists and other stunt-oriented artists. “I can’t wait to see these little circuses. Or […]
“Stonehinge” Not a Typo, Developers Insist
Springfield, MO – A new subdivision in northeast Springfield named “Stonehinge” is apparently named after an actual stone hinge, and is not, as was widely believed, simply a misspelling of the name “Stonehenge.” “Stonehenge” is the name of a prehistoric monument located in rural England built, it is believed, around 2500 BC. “Stonehinge,” on the […]
