All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
New Texting Lane Opens On 65 HWY
Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive […]
Man Finds Fecal Landmine in Backyard
Springfield, MO—A local man found an explosive landmine in his backyard while mowing his lawn this past weekend. Justin Humble, of southern Springfield, claimed he hit the thin dog dirt grenade with his riding lawnmower, but didn’t realize it until several feet later. “Yeah, it was a minute before the effects took hold, I could […]
Hipster Discovers He is a Hipster
Springfield, MO—Last weekend local hipster, Seth Trenton, was crushed to discover that he was, in fact, a hipster. Friends reported that Trenton was socializing at The Outland Bar before heading to one of his friend’s house shows, when, all of a sudden, he dropped his PBR to the floor and ran out crying. “No, he […]
Public Helps City Identify Vacant Buildings
Springfield Mo.- City officials in the Building Services Department in Springfield Missouri say the public response to the call to locate and identify vacant buildings has caught them completely off guard. A recent editorial in a publication called the News- Leader urged the general public to call officials when they saw an abandoned building. “Our […]
Ravenwood South Secedes From City, State, Union
Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Ravenwood South neighborhood association voted to secede from the City Of Springfield, the state of Missouri and the Union in a 7-1 vote. The association claimed that mounting city, national and state government debts are burdening the neighborhood, and “our homeowners deserve a chance to try to govern ourselves.” Ravenwood South […]
Mannish Hula Dancer Lures Unsuspecting Customers
Springfield, MO—For 24 years, a local frozen treat wagon has employed a hauntingly mannish hula dancer, with enchanting dance moves and gyrations, to lure passing drivers to stop and purchase “whips” to nosh upon after the distracted drivers wreck their vehicles. According to lore, the dancing hula man-thing has distracted thousand of drivers to the […]
Ice Cream Man, Dentists in Cahoots?
Springfield, MO—According to sources, one particular ice cream man, identified as Dave, has been setting up shop outside a local dentist office, apparently trying to rot potential patients’ teeth. “Y’know it looks real suspicious when the local dentist’s office has an ice cream man parked out front. I know times are hard, but to peddle […]
Bus Driver Quits, Exits Via Bus Ramp
Springfield, MO—Career bus driver Lou Stitall was charged with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and trespassing after an argument with a passenger led to an apparent meltdown on Campbell Avenue. Authorities said Stitall dropped several f-bombs on the City Utilities bus’ loudspeaker, grabbed two smokes, then deployed the bus’ emergency ramp, and took off. According to […]
Branson’s Carnie Tax Credit Attracts Circuses
Branson, MO—The City of Branson is starting to reap the benefits of the recent “Carnie” tax credit and designation of the Carnie Enterprise Zone (CEZ) in Taney County. These incentives have allowed businesses to take advantage of city tax credits and deductions not available to businesses elsewhere. Those who have recently benefitted from the CEZ […]
Expedia Announces 500 Singing Jobs
Springfield, MO—In a news conference held last week, Expedia Inc. announced it will expand its digital voice in Springfield by adding approximately 500 singing jobs. The company is looking to hire people to sing “dot com” in teams of two or more for every page visit to Expedia.com. “The online travel marketplace is flooded with […]
Local Businesses Fail At Basic Spelling Skills
Springfield, MO—Due to a report by the National Spelling Agency, NSA, Springfield area businesses do not have a basic mastery of spelling skills. Some examples of incorrect spelling include “Krispy Kreme’s Dounuts”, “Kum and Go”, “Medicine Shoppe”, and “Cheezies’ Pizza”. The NSA demands that the businesses correct the spelling, pay a fine, or be destroyed. […]
August Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys.Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt
Man Seen Walking on Sunshine
Springfield, MO—Local man, Jerry Wades, was recently seen walking on Sunshine this week. Reports suggest that he wasn’t fully aware of his situation or the irony of his chosen mode of transportation. According to his good friend, Nora Billows, Wades had just received word that he was to receive a promotion at work and was […]
The Heat Is Off
Springfield MO—Relief from the 100-plus degree days of summer will soon be on the way to the people of Springfield. “We didn’t know what to tell people on how to cool down,” said Bill Bosco senior spokesman for the Springfield Health Department. “While driving around doing our health inspections we noticed that people in Southern […]
Seven Dwarfs Mansion Nears Completion
Springfield, MO—The much-anticipated completion of an awe-inspiring add-on to an existing Springfield home purchased by the Seven Dwarfs is immanent. Dwarfs’ spokesman Wink Snapdragon said the enormous, Dark Forest-style castle will be home to the diminutive gentlemen made famous in the 1937 Walt Disney animated classic, Snow White. Gargantuan and resplendent, across from Phelps Grove […]
