All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Man Finds Nephew Less Annoying this Christmas
Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year. In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good […]
Lunar Eclipse Gives Eclips Salon Boost
Springfield, MO—Recently, local hair studio Eclips has seen a huge surge of interest given the lunar Eclipse occurring this week. The hair-cuttery has even fielded requests for a special lunar deal. The strange coincidence between the similar names has given new attention to the salon. “I think if we bring in a picture of the […]
Deflated Yard Decorations Terrifying During the Day
Springfield, MO—After the sun goes down Bernard Frinton’s Christmas decorations light up any person’s heart during the holidays, however, during the day the deflated Santa’s, snowmen and mess of lighting is enough to scare any holiday revelers right out of their elf shoes. “We drove by the decorated house today while going to the store […]
Google Crushes Local Mom and Pop Search Engine
Springfield, MO – Bob and Erma Matthews have been running Bob and Erma’s Search Engine for fifty one years from a small storefront on St. Louis Street. Those days will soon be coming to an end as Bob says they just can’t compete anymore. “The Google is just so fast, with access to so much […]
Student Misses School Closing Screen Crawl
Springfield, MO—Jude Kimmers, a sophomore at Hillcrest High School totally missed the “s” section of the school closing screen crawl on the local news this morning. According to his sister, Jamie, Kimmers had been watching the morning news in hopes that Springfield Public Schools would close due to icy road conditions. “Jude was glued to […]
Local Stoners Disappointed by Lack of Munchies
Springfield, MO—City Councilmen Doug Burlison, and Dan Chiles spoke to a packed crowd at their forum on medical marijuana at the Library Center last evening. The crowd was an odd mix of the immensely old and the college hippies marking the first union of these age groups since the 1985 Congressional hearings on music censorship […]
Branson Belle Sucked Into Branson Triangle
Branson, MO—Saturday night the Showboat Branson Belle fell into the dangerous grip of the Branson Triangle, an area where a number of aircraft and surface vessels allegedly and mysteriously disappear. The Branson Triangle, a region near State Park Marina on Table Rock Lake, was blamed for creating gusts of 45-miles-per-hour and causing a problem with […]
Birth Celebrated By Smoking Bubble Gum Stogies
Springfield, MO—Following the birth of Nathan and Sandy Brody’s first son at St. John’s Hospital, a tobacco-free campus, celebrators were forced to smoke bubble gum cigars in the couple’s assigned room. “I was so excited to greet my new nephew that I purchased candy, er bubble gum cigars for the event. Given that you can’t […]
Riverside Bridge To Be Stored At Heer’s Building Temporarily
Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out. “Really, if you […]
December Horoscopes
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Salvation Army Revokes “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Bell Ringer Policy
Springfield, MO—Officials at the local Salvation Army post have revoked their bell ringer’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, opening the door to welcome more volunteers into the organization to help with fundraising this holiday season. Professor Kitty Ujumba said, “before now the Salvos couldn’t ask specific questions about a potential bell ringers abilities. The original […]
Basketball Star To Play At Middle School
Springfield MO.- Charlie Quirk, a Glendale High School senior, who was recently declared ineligible to play in this final year by the Missouri State High School Activities Association will play instead for Carver Middle School. Apparently a loophole in MSHSAA guidelines does not prevent a player transferring back to middle school if high school credits are […]
Springfield Initiates Goth Relocation Program
Springfield, MO – Under the guise of center city beautification, the city of Springfield quietly began the first phase of it’s long term plan to eradicate downtown undesirables. The square has been fenced off and bulldozers have started to rip up sidewalks, steps and benches once perched upon by the city’s indigenous Goth and Vampire […]
Renovation Approved: Heer’s Boarded Up
Springfield, MO—After years of negotiating, the Heer’s department store building will finally receive the renovation it has been waiting for: a good boarding up. The new plans to board up the building will be the first improvement the property has seen since 1994. “The Heer’s building has been deteriorating for years. This boarding up is […]
Vacant Lot Home to Developing Vacant Lot
Springfield, MO—A prime piece of land that has been vacant for years in downtown Springfield will soon be developed, city officials announced on Tuesday. The 1.7 acre lot between the Springfield Expo Center and the Jordan Valley Car Park has seen plan after plan fall through, but starting next month construction will begin on The […]
