All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Springfield Again Warm After Slaying White Witch
Springfield, MO- Frigid temperatures and constant snowfall are no longer a problem thanks to Springfield citizens slaying the White Witch. The White Witch, who resides in her dark castle at 1366 Cedar Way, has been plaguing the Ozarks with blizzards, icy temperatures, and horrible road conditions since late January. No one knows the source of […]
Anticipated Snow Melt To Boost City’s Revenues In An Unlikely Way
Springfield, MO – As local temperatures begin an anticipated 70 degree swing towards the positive over the next few days, Springfield City Council is planning on generating some revenues in a most unusual way….they’ll be selling off all of the surplus salt they’ve accumulated for this storm to local Chinese restaurants. “I don’t know about […]
Fortune Telling Lawyer Open for Business
Springfield, MO—Local attorney Newsome Higsby has moved his law practice into a former fortuneteller’s office on Glenstone and St. Louis Street in Springberg, hoping to glean some otherworldly help in his caseload. Higsby said, “The space has a special aura about it. I think that most defendants would appreciate help from beyond the grave, and […]
79 Spartans Vote to Victory!
Sparta, MO—Spartan voters approved issuing $2.5 million in bonds for improvements to the water and sewer system in Sparta this past week. The new water and sewer system will include a bottomless pit for sewer waste that shall remain uncovered and reside within the center of the city. Only scantily clad Spartan warriors will stand […]
Brown Derby Actually Black
Springfield, MO—According to sources, the Brown Derby is actually black. Brown Derby, one of America’s 10 Best Retailers according to Liquor Store Magazine, is recognized as the Ozarks leading provider of spirits, wines and confusing combinations of logo colors and names. Since 1937, the store has featured a black line drawing as the store’s leading […]
February Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. As such, it is very important to consult your medical doctor initial if you are to acquire this drug specifically should you be possessing some medically associated illnesses simply viagra without prescription because this medication might be contraindicated […]
Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds
Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds. “I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” […]
It Burns When You Learn at UTI
Springfield, MO—Universal Technical Institute, a system of technical schools specializing in automotive repairs, was recently surprised to learn that its abbreviation also refers to urinary tract infections. Officials at UTI were confused by a sudden rash of questions after airing television commercials for the school here in the Ozarks. “We were curious why people were calling […]
MSU Bears Offer Pacemakers to Fans
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State University athletics department will be offering branded pacemakers to any interested fans due to the heart-racing ending of most men’s basketball games. Pacemakers can be picked up at the JQH Arena ticket booth Monday through Friday from 1-4 pm. “We’re literally killing our fans with excitement, each game is coming down […]
Local Woman Fails at Fashion
Hollister MO – Tammy Liebowitz of Hollister Missouri doesn’t know what to wear anymore. The Hollister native has always taken pride in her hometown and was thrilled whenever she went out and saw people wearing Hollister apparel. “For years I would go out and see people wearing Hollister gear.”, she said. “I would also see […]
Pokemon Card Competitor has Attractive Girlfriend
Springfield, MO–A silence swept across Metagames last Saturday as 21-year-old local Pokemon card competitor, Michael Walsh, stunned his fellow “Pokemon Trainers” by revealing that he not only has a girlfriend, but that she is attractive. “We were just in awe,” said friend and fellow Pokemon card competitor, Aaron Boshin, “This has never happened before to […]
“Safe Place” Signs Scare Locals
Springfield, MO—Springfield residents have been avoiding locations that display signs with the “Safe Place” logo, which features a large yellow creature sneaking up behind and grabbing another person. “I’m not going anywhere near those signs,” said resident, Julie Watterson, “I don’t want to be grabbed.” Like Watterson, most people have interpreted the logo to mean […]
Local Man Text Jinxes Bears
Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss. “Everybody knows with the game on […]
Doctor Promotes Smoker Environment
Springfield MO-A not too well noted Springfield doctor is taking his patients back to the time where 3 out of every 5 doctors recommended smoking certain brands of cigarettes. Any patient of Dr. John Dilly will have the freedom to enjoy their favorite cigarette in the waiting room and if they like during their examination. […]
Apple Posts 2010 Profits Due To One Local Fanboy
Springfield, MO-Apple, the maker of the popular iPhone, iPad, Macintosh computers, and countless other technological gadgets posted a profit of 16 billion dollars for the year, 2010. “We’re excited about the numbers for the past year,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “It was a record year for the company and we would first and foremost […]
