All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Soldiers Help Clean Dirty Senior Citizens
Springfield, MO—Soldiers from Fort Leonard Wood helped clean up several yards of dirty senior citizens in the Ozarks this past weekend. The unclean senior citizens were lined up in section several feet long for the ritualistic cleansing held at the Battlefield Mall parking lot. Some involved weren’t aware of the coming shower, rinse and louse […]
Local Kids Found “Sheening” in Parking Lot
Nixa, MO—A new synthetic drug is on the market made of tiger’s blood and Adonis’ DNA and when used is referred to as “Sheening”. The new stimulant is rising in popularity and is threatening to unseat the Ozarks as the capital of methamphetamine production. The drug has becoming so popular that kids across the Ozarks […]
Earthquake Evidence Reveals Fable As Fact
Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out […]
Mayo-44 Named for Miracle Whiplash Crash
Springfield, MO—Following the great mayonnaise truck wreck on I-44, city officials have decreed that the stretch of road coated in the thick, creamy substance be renamed Mayo-44 to honor the one-in-a-million miracle whiplash crash. “Not only did the driver walk away unharmed but the entire interstate was covered in God’s snot, mayonnaise,” said Missouri Highway […]
Local Borders Patrons go Apeshit
Springfield (MO) – Avid readers, bargain shoppers, and moderate fans of words who need to fill up that bookshelf of theirs have been flocking to the local Borders book store since the start of its going-out-of-business sale this last Saturday. “Times are tough,” said Borders assistant manager, Lee Ledford, “and we are just one of […]
Fair City News Regresses in Technology
Springfield, MO—Local satire news publication Fair City News has regressed in technology going from online blog format to the printed press. The move was made 12 months ago and readers seem to have embraced the failure in tech-forward movement. “I personally thought the move to print was great, I always need a worthless rag to […]
Borders Building To House Barnes and Noble Servers
Springfield, MO- The old Border’s bookstore building has been purchased by Barnes and Noble to be used as storage for their various computer servers. Barnes and Noble, needing the extra server space and bandwidth to deal with the thousands of patrons visiting their web site every day, bought the building for 25 dollars and a […]
Blind To Get Driver Licenses
Jefferson City MO – In a legal loophole brought about the Missouri Transportation Committee to require English only testing to obtain a Missouri drivers license, legally blind people will soon be able to get a license as well. It appears that the committee’s efforts to push through the English speaking only bill has opened the […]
Bitter Old Miser Shown True Meaning of President’s Day
Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits. Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and […]
Sauna-vator Installed at Hammons Tower
Springfield, MO—Building officials confirmed that a new elevator with sauna-like properties has been installed inside one of Springfield’s most posh, luxury-office complexes, the Hammons Tower. Office tenants are encouraged to disrobe upon entering the Sauna-vator, drape a towel around their backside and enjoy the benefits of weight loss, detoxification, negative ions and lower blood pressure […]
Being Social…
Being social is not as fun as it used to be. It has become a lot more difficult as I get older as is the case with frequent urination and an overall inability to control my anger towards slow drivers and balloon making clowns. Frankly, I find that having to be social has become the […]
Bungholes Targeted in Springfield Area
Springfield, MO—According to John Millerstone, Springfield motorists have been tasked with reporting bungholes to the city to aid in the clean up of the Bunghole Patrol. “Yeah, I just heard it on the radio. They need help cleaning up the city streets and getting rid of all the bungholes in our community,” said Millerstone, “I […]
PUBLIC CELEBRATES “REDUCED PRICE CHOCOLATE DAY”
Springfield, MO – As news spread of plentiful chocolate supplies left over from Valentines’ Day, stores have drastically reduced the price of sweets packaged in red and/or heart shaped containers beginning February 15th. Chocolates can now be found up to 50% off at most chocolate merchants around the area. Local candy store owner Julie Sweet […]
Experts Baffled as Local Single Woman Enjoys Herself on Valentine’s Day, Thank You Very Much
Springfield, MO – February 14 was just another Monday for Brenda Morton. She went to work, mingled with coworkers, hit the gym after work, then later saw a movie with friends. But as February 14 is not Just Another Day for the rest of the world, experts and acquaintances alike are concerned about Morton’s well-being. […]
Husbands Realize Valentine’s Day Was Yesterday
Springfield, MO- A collective groan was heard all over Springfield yesterday when hundreds of Ozark area husbands realized that they forgot Valentine’s day. Although the February 14th holidays falls on the same date every year (February 14th) many husbands were befuddled by the fact it was a Monday. “I knew something was up when she […]
