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Judgment Day Shadow Approaches
Springfield, MO–As reported by KY3 news, Family Radio evangelist Harold Camping has the nation on edge as he has predicted that “Judgment Day” will occur on May 21, 2011. However, a local evangelist has a different twist on the matter. Moe Lester is a deacon at the First Reformed Second Baptist Lutheran Church in […]
May Horoscopes
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Snake Oil – May
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Alco-Haul Longs for Prohibition
Springfield, MO—Management of local beer and wine delivery service, Alco-Haul, recently stated that they wished that Prohibition would be reenacted to bring more excitement to their job. The team argues that if alcohol were outlawed, delivery of products would be much more fun as they would have to shake the fuzz while making the […]
Federal Government Allots Missouri Farm Land for “Sea Monkey Reserve”
Cape Girardeau, MO- The federal government allotted 130,000 acres of Missouri farm land to be transformed to a sea monkey reserve. This week, the Army Corps of Engineers blew a hole in the nearby levee, flooding thousands of acres of useless farmland to make a perfect habitat for oceanus monkius (commonly known as the […]
Cinco de Mayonnaise Celebrated in Ozark
Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle […]
Royal Couple to Honeymoon in Branson
Branson, MO—According to Royal sources, William, Duke of Cambridge and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, are headed to Branson for their regal honeymoon this month. Catherine and William, who had been under a microscope by the wacky Royalists (those who fantasize about royalty) in the weeks leading up to their wedding, sought some privacy for […]
Osama Sushi Roll Unveiled in Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Local sushi hotspot Komodo Dragon has unveiled it’s latest creation: the roll they are calling the “NoMoOsama Roll”. Made up of roasted goat, a dash of crude oil and just a hint of spent ammunition, the NoMoOsama is a hit with local patrons who wish to celebrate the demise of Public Enemy Numero […]
High School Sweethearts Break Up in College
Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts […]
Corsages, Hair Spray, and Gun Polish Sales Are At An All Time High Due to Prom Season
Springfield, MO- The Springfield economy has gotten a boost thanks to prom season. Corsages, hair spray, and gun polish sales are at a record high thanks to the teenage rite of passage. Punch, tuxedoes, limousines, and mace are also in high demand. “It makes me so sad my little girl is growing up,” states […]
Nixa Hellhound Releases Birth Certificate
Nixa, MO—After years of speculation and conspiracy, Paul the Nixa Hellhound, released his original long-form birth certificate yesterday in an attempt to prove that he exists. No known persons had asked for the paperwork, yet it appeared online early in the day. “Paul wants the record to be set straight regarding his existence. He […]
Springfield Survives 42-Minute Drought
Springfield, MO—The clouds finally opened with their life bringing rain, thus ending the torturous 42 minute drought plaguing the Springfield area. The drought occurred from 3:18 to 4:00, marking the longest time Springfield has not seen rain in weeks. “I didn’t think we were going to make it,” said Charles Flagstaff, a Springfield resident. After […]
Naked Man Taunts Gods of Rain, Flood Waters
Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain. Naysmith was called away from work to […]
Slow Foods Featured at Moxie
Springfield, MO—To celebrate Earth Day, Slow Foods of Southwest Missouri is hosting two movies at the Moxie Cinema tonight, however Moxie management insists that the theatre food is indeed served quickly. “No, no, you see there are two movies, Fresh and The Vanishing of the Bees that are dealing with the slow food movement. It […]
