All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Major Nic Fit Hits Springfield
Springfield, MO—One day after the no smoking ban was in place the Queen City has exhibited a major case of a nicotine fit. According to Lewis Shamburg, “everybody at Trolley’s was seriously pitchin’ a fit. Totally jonesing for a smoke. Freakin’ out!” Most nightlifters in the downtown district were totally unhinged during the first […]
New Motto for Greene County?
Springfield MO- The phrase “In God We Trust” may or may not become the official motto for Greene County. Commissioner Jim Byrock said that the county was prepared to have the phrase plastered around every empty space in all county buildings, when someone pointed out that in might be unconstitutional. “Our committee found that […]
Silver Dollar City Creates Genuine 1800’s Roller Coaster
Springfield, MO- Silver Dollar city revealed it’s new roller coaster “Guiteau’s Bullet” to the crowd of park patrons yesterday. The roller coaster, which reaches speeds of 8 miles per hour, was created and operated by technology only around the 1880’s. “We decided to put our silver coins where our chops is. We always boast […]
Sweltering Heat Places Ozarks in Slow Motion
Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed. Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to […]
Children Affected After Jump Mania Outbreak
Springfield, MO—Thousands of children in the Ozarks have been diagnosed with a certain psychiatric disease known only as “Jump Mania”. Children have been seen jumping uncontrollably across the city in grocery stores, libraries and schools at random. Dr. Rufus Sondgram said, “Jump Mania varies in intensity, from mild jump to full-blown mania with psychotic features […]
Food Plate Reveals Future of Food
Springfield, MO—The release of the new USDA Food Plate has Ozarkers excited for the future of cuisine. The 20-year-old Food Pyramid featured photographs of foods, while the new Food Plate shows futuristic foods arranged on a plate in geometric shapes. “I’m so excited that the government released this new guide. Now we’re ready to […]
Obama’s Unicorns to Clean Joplin
Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns. As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the […]
Assessors Office to Accept Different Forms of Payment
Springfield MO – With the public outrage over the increase of personal property taxes, the Greene County Assessors office has come up with a plan to help people make the payments. Assessor Ric Kissington announced that the county will take as payment either gold or ground beef. “Seeing how property goes up and down […]
Branson Blasted For Serving Patrons Under 65
Branson M0- After a police sting operation, numerous restaurants in the Branson area have been found guilty of serving patrons under the age of 65. Branson known as the “Vegas of the Mid-West With Colostomy Bags” prides itself to be the vacation spot for the old and old at heart. Many of the “youngins” […]
Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs
Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21st. When the earthquakes didn’t […]
Ghetto Ziplock® Brand Baggies Introduced
Springfield, MO—Locally based Jordan Valley Innovation Center has introduced a new product to the marketplace: Ziplock® branded ghetto baggies. The new sealable, portable storage devices are decorated with colorful graphics and have an urban look and feel for users who prefer to carry their perishables with more street cred. Innovation scientist Herby Jamison said, “No, […]
Man Rides Hog for Bike to Work Week
Springfield, MO—Local Harley enthusiast Lloyd “Mangus” Hamiltons was especially excited to learn that May 16-20 was Bike to Work week in Springfield, his newly acquired hog was “due for a good commuting test”. Mangus, a local botanist at Mark Twain National Forrest, said, “I was totally afraid that the carbon emissions that my hog emitted […]
Graduation Recessional Will Lead Directly to Unemployment Line
Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government […]
2012 Cox Sucker Days Announced
Nixa, MO—The Nixa Sucker Days committee is proud to announce it has a new title sponsor this year, Cox Health. The event, now known as Cox Sucker Days, will be held in Nixa as scheduled this year, with a few changes. Ted Crass, chairman of the event said, “We’re proud to welcome Cox Health […]
