All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Banned Book Becomes Top-Seller in Republic
REPUBLIC (MO) – Two books, “Slaughterhouse Five” by Kurt Vonnegut and “Twenty Boy Summer” by Sarah Ockler, have been banned from Republic High School’s curriculum and library. This decision was inspired by complaints from Missouri State University associate professor of management, Les Scoggins, who claims that the books contain material too shocking for […]
Local Bar Adds Kids Area
Springfield MO.- The Boom Boom Room, a bar on North Glenstone Street, announced today it will add a play area for kids to enjoy while their adult guardians sit in the bar and get hammered. The play area will be a 1987 Ford Bronco that won’t start but will feature coloring books to give children […]
Stock Collapse Predicted by Mayan Calendar
Springfield, MO—The Maya calendar, a system of calendars and almanacs used in the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and in some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala and Oaxaca, Mexico correctly predicted the bloody nosedive of stocks on the US market yesterday. According to researchers, “the evidence was there the whole time we just […]
Jackpot Lottery Ticket Sold at Kum N’ Go?!
Springfield, MO—“You’ve got to be frickin’ kidding me, like the one day that I didn’t buy a ticket from that store and it sells a winner,” said most of Springfield today. According to sources, one lucky bastard in Springfield is $1.2 million richer after matching all six numbers drawn to win the jackpot prize […]
MSU’s SOAR Tour a Grim Death March Due To Heat
Springfield, MO- Due to the incredible heat, MSU’s SOAR tours are transformed into grim death marches. The tours (to show upcoming freshmen where various campus buildings are located) are usually a pleasurable experience to the anxious pre-fresh, but now are seen as a hellish decent into the bowels of an inferno. “I am so excited […]
NFL Lockout Fantasy League Over
Springfield, MO – Uber fantasy dorks were saddened to learn that the NFL lockout has passed this week and that they will now be forced to participate in regular season fantasy football. One player, Jeb Hontie said, “Man it was like the planets were aligning and opening up a parallel universe for us to play […]
Glen Beck Opens Branson Theatre
Branson, MO—The American conservative radio and television host, author, entrepreneur, and political commentator Glen Beck recently announced that he is opening a theatre in Branson where he will host daily shows for live audiences. The news follows Beck’s comes just one month after he left the Fox News Channel on June 30th, 2011. Beck’s company, […]
COPS shot in SGF
Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame. According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making […]
Car Sale Increases Drive-By Shootings
Rogersville, MO – First Auto Outlet recently started a controversial promotion: buy a car, get a gun. Owner Duwayne Nortis insists that his auto dealership be as patriotic as possible, and that means “celebrating” the Second Amendment. “Nothing is more American than getting free stuff and then maybe using that stuff to do great harm […]
Hipster Refuses to Remove Beanie, Suffers Heat Stroke
Springfield, MO – A local resident suffered from a heat stroke yesterday because he was too warmly dressed while walking through downtown Springfield in the humid, 99-degree weather. Jacoby Trapper, a known hipster, reportedly “refused to take off his slouch beanie” despite the heat because he “wasn’t some mainstream sell-out.” “He should have at […]
Nation’s Remaining Unwanted VHS Found in Local Flea Markets
Springfield, MO – The American Film Institute has commissioned the flea markets of Springfield, Missouri, to become the official historical preservation sites of the nation’s remaining supply of unwanted VHS movies. AFI officials awarded the prestigious honor only after an extensive evaluation of many cities. The results showed that Springfield’s local flea markets have […]
Tea Party Rally at Party Cove
Anderson Hollow Cove, MO—To further the cause of the Tea Party, members decided to congregate at Lake of the Ozarks this summer to protest against government annoyances and oversights. Local Tea Party organizers always heard that Party Cove was a place where individual freedom is respected and Party Cove people are more open-minded that […]
Brass Knuckle Deer Season Announced
Springfield, MO—The local office of the Missouri Department of Conservation has announced the creation of Brass Knuckle Deer Season. Beginning August 13 and running through August 25, punchers will be allowed two unconscious bucks per hunter, per season. Doe punching will not be allowed as this falls under state statute regarding wife beating. Department […]
Local Couple Gets Married in Order to Have Sex
Springfield (MO) – Jordan Darrow and Cassidy Nash (now Darrow) were married last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony, in Springfield, MO. When asked how the couple knew it was time to “tie the knot,” Darrow (age 20) and his new bride (age 19) agreed: it was time that they finally had sex with each […]
