All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Nixa Wookiee Sighted near Supercenter
Nixa, MO – Nixa shoppers received a shock Monday evening when several individuals reported a sighting of the legendary Nixa Wookiee in and around the Local Walmart Supercenter. Although the Nixa Wookiee has long enjoyed a position of prominence in local folklore, this is the first time in recent memory a sighting of the creature […]
Man Resolves to Not Make Resolutions
Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life. “Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing […]
2011 Year In Review
Here’s a glimpse at headlines from 2011. Choosing only 1 per month was difficult. Feel free to weigh in with your best headline of the year. January Overwatch Manor Doghouse Biggest In Missouri February Brown Derby Actually Black March Hammons Found Frozen in Carbonite April Tornado Warning Issued Until October May 2012 Cox Sucker Days […]
Salvation Army Invades Iowa to Secure Funding
Springfield, MO – Citing a lack of donations, the local chapter of the Salvation Army has invaded Iowa to make up a 20% difference in fundraising this year. Red Kettle Special Forces landed on the ground a few days ago to secure additional funding for the agency. “Mission Bell Ringer is an attempt to bring […]
Real Bears Adopt Street
Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks. City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and […]
Retailers Greeted with Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was […]
Baby Jesus Explodes in Robber’s Hands
Springfield, MO – According to SPD reports, Newbry Kimmons was the victim of a crime this holiday season, his decorative manger scene was stolen from his front yard. Fortunately, he had the foresight to pack his baby Jesus model with an exploding dye pack, set to discharge if it left the perimeter of his yard. […]
Marionville Enacts Strictest K9 Alt. Ban by Mistake
Marionville, MO – Due to a typo, local officials have passed the strictest canine alternative bans in the state of Missouri. The laws were aimed at K2, a synthetic marijuana substitute, however the legal clerk typing up the copy mistakenly substituted a “9” for a “2”, thereby restricting the possession or sale of any animal […]
MSU Band Apologizes for Playing MMMBop
Springfield, MO – MSU Pride Band issued an apology stating that they used poor judgment when they played “MMMBop” downtown on the square this month. “MMMBop” is a song written and performed by the American pop rock band Hanson and is quite offensive to anyone who has ever listened to music. “Frankly, I’d rather hear […]
Copper Coin City opens at Former Red Roof Mall
Branson, MO – During a special meeting, the Branson Board of Aldermen approved the ownership transfer of Factory Merchants mall to the city paving the way to lease the land for Copper Coin City – a new theme park set in the Middle ages complete with a feudal system, Crusades, chivalry and courtly love. The […]
SOLO to Open Huge Frozen Yogurt Company
Springfield, MO – Peachwave, Fro Yo, Orange Leaf, Andy’s, and other frozen dessert companies, this is your warning: Solo Cup has announced that they will soon be serving the largest frozen yogurt in the Ozarks. Solo Cup, a plant that has been dormant for several years, has recently made plans to serve the creamy goodness […]
Holiday Traffic Drives Man Crazy
Springfield, MO – Lewis Hankerton attempted to drive 2 miles south of his home on Thursday to pick up trash bags and dishwasher detergent “real quick” only to be greeted with the snarling entrapment known only as Holiday Traffic. Hankerton quickly escaped his driveway and was making great time down his neighborhood side streets. Wide […]
Greene-Beckham in MOSHOF Class of 2012
Springfield, MO – In a surprise announcement Dorieal Green-Beckham has been added to the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame induction class of 2012. Panel members responsible for deciding the final candidates said, “Crap, we totally forgot about him.” Sources report that the MSHOF election committee was “focusing on older athletes, y’know those who have spent […]
Rest on 7, Rests 24/7
Springfield, MO – Owner of the Rest on 7 mattress shop on Independence street has decided to close shop permanently citing a need to rest every day, all day long. “Being in business is hard. Taking customer orders, donating a portion of that to ‘charity’, and working 6 days a week takes its toll on […]
