All Entries Tagged With: "local"
Traffic Cone Guy Hunts Bad Drivers
Springfield, MO – Based off of numerous first-hand accounts, the Missouri Department of Transportation has a new ally in the fight for highway safety and it is known as Traffic Cone Guy. Several motorists have claimed that they have been stopped after an unsafe merge or careless driving by the robotic monstrosity and issued a […]
Downtown Preacher to Address Court with Microphone and Amplifier
Springfield, MO – Described as noisy, annoying and filled with the obnoxious spirit, one downtown preacher has received at least seven tickets for disturbing the peace and plans to represent himself with his self-proclaimed talent for rhetoric coupled with an amplifier and microphone. “This preacher likely saw the Sham-wow guy and thought, ‘hey, I too […]
Veterinarians Day Parade Attracts Hundreds of Animals
Springfield, MO – Springfield’s First Annual Veterinarians Day parade took place on Saturday and was attended by several people and non-humans to show their support for the profession. The 1.5-mile route, which started at Grand Street and South Avenue, was lined by companion animals, livestock, zoo animals and other vets. Duane Dolittle, a vet specializing […]
Classical Musicians Protect the Square with Music
Springfield, MO – To decrease problems on the square, the Springfield Police has paired up with the Urban Districts Alliance by employing classical musicians trained in the art of self-defense and crowd control techniques to sooth criminal behavior and if necessary, strike back with a cello. According to experts, exposure to music–especially classical music–has effectively […]
Drury Audience Amused with Duke Coach’s Name
Springfield, MO – Fans of Drury basketball were entertained this weekend by a tricky college basketball name, Mike Krzyzewskie. “Ker-zoo-ski, sure had a heck of a team. Sounds like he walked into a good recruiting situation…I couldn’t imagine most families sending their sons off to play for someone who they couldn’t even pronounce. ‘My son […]
Child Preparing to Hide Candy from Parents
Springfield, MO – According to playground conversations, 2nd grader Lanie Post is actively putting into motion a plan to keep the best tasting candy out of her parent’s hands during and after Halloween. Claiming past experiences as her motivation, Post is determined to prevent Kit Kats, Reese’s peanut butter cups and Sour Patch Kids from […]
Zombie Checkpoint Nets Wanted Undead
Springfield, MO – Twenty-two zombie arrests were made during an overnight zombie checkpoint in Greene County Saturday night. The sheriff’s office says more than 580 people were stopped at checkpoints along South Avenue and Harrison Street, as well as at Jefferson and Olive in an attempt to vet out the undead. Of the 22 zombies […]
“That Guy” Doing “That Thing” in Branson
Branson, MO – Troy Evans, widely known as “that guy” is scheduled to appear in Branson to do that thing known as “A Wartime Romance” and “Troy Evans’ Montana Tales”. The limited engagement starts next week and brings several veteran actors from Hollywood to Branson. The most appealing draw to the productions is “that guy” […]
Casper’s New Chilly Summer Menu Unveiled!
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a new ownership, and a new air conditioner unit, iconic downtown diner Casper’s Chili Parlor is preparing to deliver summertime chili to Ozarks area chili aficionados. For years, chili-chumps have had to endure months of agonizing pain waiting for cooler weather to satisfy their quest for the elusive chili-cabra satisfaction. […]
City Utilities Provides First White Dusting of the Season
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a malfunction at City Utilities’ John Twitty Energy Center, a few lucky Ozarkians enjoyed an early dusting of white fluffy stuff to play in. The fly-ash distributed over the area gave kids and adults alike the chance for to break out the winter gear. “It was great,” said Noah Fingertoe, […]
Student Drivers Take “No Text and Drive Pledge” While Driving
Ozark, MO – Studies show that texting while driving impairs a driver in the same manner as being legally intoxicated, a fact that has influenced Ozark High School students to pledge not to text and drive, mostly while driving. “Ah well, pledging and driving is not quite the same as texting and driving,” said Joel […]
National Parks Reopen: Deer, Turkey, Wildlife Return to Work
Springfield, MO – Following the reopening of the Federal government, wildlife across the Ozarks have returned to work at parks across the region. Thousands of Ozarks animals were furloughed during the shutdown and many were happy to return to their normal lives. “I was so sick of not working…staying in the cave with about 40 […]
GD Home Restoration Accurately Named
Springfield, MO – Local signage has struck a chord with homeowners looking for restoration, goddammit. GD Home Restorations is recognized as one company that is willing to put the frustrations of home renovations on their shingle, one salty curse word abbreviation at a time. “I saw the sign and thought ‘at least they know what […]
Absolutely No One Plans Government Reopening Celebration
Springfield, MO – A recent poll suggests that absolutely no person alive is planning to celebrate the reopening of the US government once legislative dickbags come to their senses. Most people polled suggested that they felt ass-slapped by their elected leaders who are blockading progress to “stand up for constituents”. Henry Biggins said, “Whoever is […]
