All Entries Tagged With: "local"
The Garage Sale – Motivational Speaker
The time is 5:30 am and as the sun rises, today will not be any ordinary day. Someone wraps at your door. When you answer, there stands an old man with one thing in mind; he saw the ad and he wants your golf clubs. You didn’t grab your glasses before you answered the door […]
Citizens Celebrate End of Election Advertising
Springfield, MO – This election season has united the Ozarks populace with one resounding result: the end of political advertising. Campaign advertisements have inundated members of all parties for several months and political messaging has seeped into every expression of life, on the side of the highway, in front yards, on radio, online annoyances and […]
Obama Calls It Quits After Redskins Loss
Springfield, MO – The local democratic campaign office has announced that President Obama will not seek another term after the Washington Redskins lost to the Carolina Panthers this past weekend. The report referenced Obama’s decision was based solely upon the Redskins Rule, which has accurately predicted the outcome of every presidential election since 1940. Obama […]
Parents Increase Candy Tax This Halloween
Springfield, MO – Local parents have increased the cost of chaperoning their children during the candy gathering season known colloquially as Halloween. The parental imposed Candy Tax has held steady over the past decade, but saw an increase after weak job growth and economic instability this year. “We just can’t afford to purchase as much […]
Post-debate, Obama staffers reveal Seinfeld strategy
Springfield, MO – One week after the final presidential debate in Boca Raton, Florida, speculation has surfaced that the Obama team used some unorthodox tactics while preparing the president for his most recent public appearances. “The rumors are true,” one anonymous source said. “During Monday’s debate, the President was eager to engage in what […]
Hurricane Sandy Expected to Merge with Ozarks Tornado, setting off New Madrid Fault Line
Springfield, MO – Local weather experts are fearful that hurricane Sandy will turn its sights onto the Midwest after it destroys the Eastern Coast of the United States. After already merging with a nor’easter and clashing into Arctic winds, Sandy is growing stronger each day. “This storm has an appetite that cannot be contained. If […]
Task Force Addresses Concerns Amid Nuclear Test/Holocaust On Square
Springfield, MO – While a newly formed task force met at the Busch Municipal Building on Tuesday afternoon to strategize against negative perceptions of Park Central Square, an actual nuclear bomb test and ethnic cleansing occurred on the square. “Yeah, we’ve got our work cut out for us,” said Nancy Puhdrewery, a newly appointed task […]
DopeStrong Bike Syringe Arrives
Springfield, Mo – Local bike shops are anticipating the arrival of a new product made popular by a little-known cyclist named Lance Armstrong. Armstrong launched the product to make doping more convenient for professional riders who compete in one of the dirtiest sports around. The DopeStrong allows riders to strap a doping needle directly to […]
Alien Enjoys Zoo’s Spooktacular
Springfield, Mo – Dickerson Park Zoo confirmed the existence of alien life forms this week as one landed and participated in the annual Halloween Spooktacular celebration. After enjoying the event, the intergalactic visitor applied to become a Friend of the Zoo (FOZ). During the opening night, several attendees mentioned a fantastic “fake” UFO crash landing […]
Area Locals Worried About Apartment Fires Wearing Asbestos Underwear
Springfield, MO – According to a recent CoxHealth report, the soaring number of apartment fires in the SW Missouri region have caused panicking cigarette smokers to wrap their private parts in cloth made from the dangerous mineral compound “asbestos.” Health officials warn that asbestos is a highly toxic substance once widely used in construction […]
Honey Boo Boo Rallies for Claire McCaskill
Springfield, MO – Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill got a campaign trail boost Tuesday as Honey Boo Boo – a reality television personality on TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo that features beauty pageant participants, filmed in and around rural McIntyre, Georgia – headlined two days of rallies as the Democrat maintains a competitive race against […]
