All Entries Tagged With: "laugh"
Children Affected After Jump Mania Outbreak
Springfield, MO—Thousands of children in the Ozarks have been diagnosed with a certain psychiatric disease known only as “Jump Mania”. Children have been seen jumping uncontrollably across the city in grocery stores, libraries and schools at random. Dr. Rufus Sondgram said, “Jump Mania varies in intensity, from mild jump to full-blown mania with psychotic features […]
Food Plate Reveals Future of Food
Springfield, MO—The release of the new USDA Food Plate has Ozarkers excited for the future of cuisine. The 20-year-old Food Pyramid featured photographs of foods, while the new Food Plate shows futuristic foods arranged on a plate in geometric shapes. “I’m so excited that the government released this new guide. Now we’re ready to […]
Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs
Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21st. When the earthquakes didn’t […]
Ghetto Ziplock® Brand Baggies Introduced
Springfield, MO—Locally based Jordan Valley Innovation Center has introduced a new product to the marketplace: Ziplock® branded ghetto baggies. The new sealable, portable storage devices are decorated with colorful graphics and have an urban look and feel for users who prefer to carry their perishables with more street cred. Innovation scientist Herby Jamison said, “No, […]
Man Rides Hog for Bike to Work Week
Springfield, MO—Local Harley enthusiast Lloyd “Mangus” Hamiltons was especially excited to learn that May 16-20 was Bike to Work week in Springfield, his newly acquired hog was “due for a good commuting test”. Mangus, a local botanist at Mark Twain National Forrest, said, “I was totally afraid that the carbon emissions that my hog emitted […]
2012 Cox Sucker Days Announced
Nixa, MO—The Nixa Sucker Days committee is proud to announce it has a new title sponsor this year, Cox Health. The event, now known as Cox Sucker Days, will be held in Nixa as scheduled this year, with a few changes. Ted Crass, chairman of the event said, “We’re proud to welcome Cox Health […]
Judgment Day Shadow Approaches
Springfield, MO–As reported by KY3 news, Family Radio evangelist Harold Camping has the nation on edge as he has predicted that “Judgment Day” will occur on May 21, 2011. However, a local evangelist has a different twist on the matter. Moe Lester is a deacon at the First Reformed Second Baptist Lutheran Church in […]
Alco-Haul Longs for Prohibition
Springfield, MO—Management of local beer and wine delivery service, Alco-Haul, recently stated that they wished that Prohibition would be reenacted to bring more excitement to their job. The team argues that if alcohol were outlawed, delivery of products would be much more fun as they would have to shake the fuzz while making the […]
Federal Government Allots Missouri Farm Land for “Sea Monkey Reserve”
Cape Girardeau, MO- The federal government allotted 130,000 acres of Missouri farm land to be transformed to a sea monkey reserve. This week, the Army Corps of Engineers blew a hole in the nearby levee, flooding thousands of acres of useless farmland to make a perfect habitat for oceanus monkius (commonly known as the […]
Cinco de Mayonnaise Celebrated in Ozark
Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle […]
Royal Couple to Honeymoon in Branson
Branson, MO—According to Royal sources, William, Duke of Cambridge and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, are headed to Branson for their regal honeymoon this month. Catherine and William, who had been under a microscope by the wacky Royalists (those who fantasize about royalty) in the weeks leading up to their wedding, sought some privacy for […]
Osama Sushi Roll Unveiled in Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Local sushi hotspot Komodo Dragon has unveiled it’s latest creation: the roll they are calling the “NoMoOsama Roll”. Made up of roasted goat, a dash of crude oil and just a hint of spent ammunition, the NoMoOsama is a hit with local patrons who wish to celebrate the demise of Public Enemy Numero […]
Nixa Hellhound Releases Birth Certificate
Nixa, MO—After years of speculation and conspiracy, Paul the Nixa Hellhound, released his original long-form birth certificate yesterday in an attempt to prove that he exists. No known persons had asked for the paperwork, yet it appeared online early in the day. “Paul wants the record to be set straight regarding his existence. He […]
Springfield Survives 42-Minute Drought
Springfield, MO—The clouds finally opened with their life bringing rain, thus ending the torturous 42 minute drought plaguing the Springfield area. The drought occurred from 3:18 to 4:00, marking the longest time Springfield has not seen rain in weeks. “I didn’t think we were going to make it,” said Charles Flagstaff, a Springfield resident. After […]
Naked Man Taunts Gods of Rain, Flood Waters
Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain. Naysmith was called away from work to […]
