All Entries Tagged With: "laugh"
Holiday Traffic Drives Man Crazy
Springfield, MO – Lewis Hankerton attempted to drive 2 miles south of his home on Thursday to pick up trash bags and dishwasher detergent “real quick” only to be greeted with the snarling entrapment known only as Holiday Traffic. Hankerton quickly escaped his driveway and was making great time down his neighborhood side streets. Wide […]
Rest on 7, Rests 24/7
Springfield, MO – Owner of the Rest on 7 mattress shop on Independence street has decided to close shop permanently citing a need to rest every day, all day long. “Being in business is hard. Taking customer orders, donating a portion of that to ‘charity’, and working 6 days a week takes its toll on […]
Following Thanksgiving Feast, Ozarkers Wake Early – Line Up for “Brown Friday”
Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds. Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front […]
Catch & Kill Your Own Turkey at WOW!
Springfield, MO – Leaders of Wonders of Wildlife National Fish and Wildlife Museum, or WOWNFAWM, announced that kids 12 and under will be invited to the museum on Thursday to catch their own turkey to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner. A joint release on Tuesday stated Johnny Morris is donating $4 million to the Community Foundation […]
Skepticon Leaders Pray for Good Attendance This Weekend
Springfield, MO – Leaders for the atheist group sponsoring the 4th annual Skepticon convention this weekend at the Gillioz are praying to God that they’ll have another good turnout. “Sweet Jesus, please make our event a success,” claimed one leader, hands clasped and kneeling before a makeshift temple of crucifixes and lit candles. For […]
Goths Reintroduced to Downtown Square
Springfield, MO – The Missouri Department of Conservation has successfully baited and trapped 49 goths for reintroduction to their natural habitat on the downtown square. The goth population was temporarily removed while their homeland was undergoing improvements. According to reports, the department will test the goths for a series of diseases before the can […]
Strafford Schools Adopt Chupacabra as School Mascot
Strafford, MO – After the recent capture of the mythical creature and cryptozoological wonder, the Chupacabra, Strafford school district has decided to adopt the creature as their newest mascot. “Known as the donkey-sucker, we thought it would be the perfect intimidation factor when we play our opponents on the athletic field or on the […]
DRURY BUYS MSU’S EXCESS WATER
Springfield MO.- Drury University announced today that it will purchase water from Missouri State University for 30 years at a price of 12 million dollars per year. Apparently MSU can afford to sell off its excess water since filtered water stations have sprung up all over campus. Water researchers have indicated that more of […]
Local Douchebag Felt Earthquake More Than You
Springfield, MO – Despite an epicenter nearly 250 miles away, local douchebag Stan Liston claimed that he was “totally rocked by the quake, probably more than you.” Liston recalled his horrific story this morning while having breakfast with several of his friends at Gailey’s. “We were all at the same party last night […]
Marshall Law Declared When Chaos Reigns Due to 2.99 Gas
Springfield, MO- The Missouri National Guard responded to Springfield citizens who gave into their darkest, most savage nature when gas prices dropped below $3.00 a gallon this week. With prices so low Springfieldians turned on family, friends, strangers, and societal order to fill their tanks for 5 cents less a gallon. The gas-crazy mob […]
OCCUPY SPRINGFIELD OCCUPIES HERITAGE CAFETERIA
Springfield, MO – Hungry, short on options, and fatigued from shouldering their pithy posters, The General Assembly of Occupy Springfield has made the decision to occupy the Heritage Cafeteria on Battlefield Road during store hours, Monday through Saturday. Gladys Spock, provisional spokesperson for the local chapter of the national movement, cited several reasons why […]
Record High for Ozark Haunted House Foreclosures
Springfield MO- Haunted house foreclosures in the Ozarks are at an all-time high leaving various ghouls, ghost and other creatures of the night homeless. Because of the foreclosures the abominations of evil are having to move into hotels, stay at relative’s houses, or (in case of trolls) pan handle under a bridge. Many are […]
Shooting Range Hosts Gangsta Day
Ash Grove, MO – The Andy Dalton shooting range is vying to attract more urban sportsman by holding its first annual “Gangsta Days”. Younger shooters are increasingly hard to come by and the “Gansta Days” event is targeted at the youth of the Ozarks. “Inner city kids relate to Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and […]
