All Entries Tagged With: "laugh"
Kaleidoscope Offers Mercy Discounts
Springfield, MO – Local curious shop, piercing and tattoo studio, Kaleidoscope, announced plans to offer Mercy Hospital patients up to half off any product or service in the store. Located only a stone’s throw away from the medical campus, hospital patients need only walk a few paces to take advantage of the groovy discounts. “My […]
Big Bird Migrates to Branson Theater
Branson, MO – Upon Mitt Romney’s announcement that he’ll fire Big Bird, offers to the beloved Sesame Street icon have been pouring in. FCN has learned exclusively that Mr. Bird has been offered a show in Branson. Mr. Bird commented in an exclusive interview, “I’m in negotiations to take over at Yakov’s theater next year […]
Visitors Streak to See Jordan Valley Park Nekkid Woman
Springfield, MO – Jordan Valley Park, located in the heart of town, is an urban meadow vast enough to find places for solitude, places to socialize and over the past few months has become a place to see a not-too-shabby lookin’ nekkid lady running around flashin’ what her momma gave her. Visitors to the park […]
Walnut Street Ghost Worried About Younger, Cooler Ghost
Springfield,MO- The Springfield Land Mark Board will consider the demolition of two historical homes in East Walnut to make room for apartments, effectively leaving many senior ghost homeless. The older ghost, who have been haunting the properties for years are doing everything in their power to keep their homes. But, they know with changing times […]
Naked Man Found in Clothing Donation Bin
Springfield, MO – This past Tuesday a totally naked man was found hiding inside a clothing donation bin waiting for a nice-fitting outfit to drop in on him. After a quick database search the man was identified as Larry Lapp, who has a history of gambling. Police officer Gabby Rook said, “We found Lapp inside […]
Groupon Offered for Heer’s Building
Springfield, MO – Local citizens will soon be receiving a Groupon offer via email to own a portion of the historic Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield. Most suspect developer Kevin McGowan is attempting to sell the structure piece by piece but none seem to care. General excitement to own a piece of the building is […]
Drought Causes Sub Par Crop Circles
Xantrax, Alpha Prime System- With the worse drought since 1988 causing numerous corn crops to wither and die, Missouri farmers are heading for hard times. But, the farmers are not the only victims of the drought: aliens from the farthest reaches of the universe are coming to the Ozarks finding that dying corn is not […]
Lebanon School District Administrators Placed in Trailers
Lebanon, MO – Parents of special education students were pleased to learn that Lebanon School District administrators were recently placed in an un-air-conditioned trailer behind the school’s campus until they can come up with a plan to properly integrate their children and reverse the segregating their loved ones have been exposed to from the rest […]
Muslims Build Buddhist Statue in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – According to members of the Bible Belt, Muslims have infiltrated God’s country and constructed a 12-ton Buddha statue in Northwest Springfield. “The insult is only compounded by the inability to differentiate Abrahamic religions from other religions,” said one source close to the Dinh Quang Buddhist Temple, “we study Buddhism not Islam”. “Oh […]
Wallenda Crosses Jordan Valley Fountain on High Wire
Springfield, MO – Yesterday, aerialist Nik Wallenda became the first person to cross directly over the Jordan Valley fountain on a high wire. “No one had ever thought to do that before,” said Wallenda who just recently crossed Niagara Falls last week. “After he crossed the horseshoe falls, I’ll believe he could cross over anything […]
Flip-book of Approaching Storm Now Available
Springfield, MO – Local meteorologists and news stations have commemorated yesterday’s weather activity with a novelty flip-book now available at any area news station front desk. Tired of settling for convenient digital solutions the Ozarks news crew bonded together to produce a 142-page graphic representation of the approaching storm clouds in a paper medium. “Seriously, […]
Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students
Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with […]
Table Rock Lake Summer Movie Series Announced
Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage. “We have a […]
Crowds Gather Too Close to Battlefield Mall Bomb Scare
Springfield, MO – Crowd gathered uncomfortably close to a bomb investigation this week at the Battlefield Mall, a Simon property. The suspicious device was reported by an astute shopper after seeing a bag on the ground with wires poking out of it. While police determined if armored men or a bomb defusing robot should go […]
