All Entries Tagged With: "laugh"
“Safe Place” Signs Scare Locals
Springfield, MO—Springfield residents have been avoiding locations that display signs with the “Safe Place” logo, which features a large yellow creature sneaking up behind and grabbing another person. “I’m not going anywhere near those signs,” said resident, Julie Watterson, “I don’t want to be grabbed.” Like Watterson, most people have interpreted the logo to mean […]
Local Man Text Jinxes Bears
Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss. “Everybody knows with the game on […]
Doctor Promotes Smoker Environment
Springfield MO-A not too well noted Springfield doctor is taking his patients back to the time where 3 out of every 5 doctors recommended smoking certain brands of cigarettes. Any patient of Dr. John Dilly will have the freedom to enjoy their favorite cigarette in the waiting room and if they like during their examination. […]
Apple Posts 2010 Profits Due To One Local Fanboy
Springfield, MO-Apple, the maker of the popular iPhone, iPad, Macintosh computers, and countless other technological gadgets posted a profit of 16 billion dollars for the year, 2010. “We’re excited about the numbers for the past year,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “It was a record year for the company and we would first and foremost […]
The Zodiac Sells Out
SPRINGFIELD, MO—The earth’s alignment has changed and so have the dates assigned to zodiac signs. “We’ve known about this for awhile,” admitted Parke Funkle, official spokesperson for the American Coalition of Astrologers (ACA) and vice president of Dudes with Weird Names (DWN). “It was time for a change, horoscopes just weren’t selling like they used […]
AgroMix Ozarks Fails To Deliver
Nixa, MO—It seemed like the perfect business plan in the red-hot social media boom, but a Nixa man’s agriculture-themed photo sharing site folded today, mere hours after its initial public offering failed to draw a single investor. “She’s as stillborn as a two-headed calf,” bemoaned LarryEarl Smith, founder and creator of the now defunct AgroMix […]
We Are Free but We Are Fat
We are the fattest nation in the world…free, happy and proud…but fat. We actually have shows about it. These shows, in a way, glorify the “big people.” These shows take a bunch of fatties that have obviously been “living large” and now are crying about it…all the while, the skinny [bitchy] little trainers get off […]
Rain Dance Flub
BeeBe, AR. – News of the estimated 1,000 dead black birds that seemed to rain from the sky last Friday in nearby Arkansas has authorities and locals stumped as to the cause of this strange event – until now. Local medicine man of the Quapaw Ouachita Mountain Indian Reservation has came forward and confessed that […]
3-Way Craigslist Ad Leads to Steak n Shake
Springfield, MO – An ad posted on the popular classified site Craigslist recently promised area residents a 3-way if they went to the corner of Campbell & Swan or Glenstone & Cinderella. Johnny Moronico of Bois D’Arc replied to the ad only to find he was getting Chili from Steak N Shake and not the […]
Ft. Wood Attacked by Mighty Black Tornado
Springfield, MO—Fort Leonard Wood was recently attacked by a mighty black tornado, ripping through soldier’s ranks like a tear in a lost lottery ticket. The force of nature completely dominated the most powerful military force on Earth with little regard for repercussions. Former President Bush said, “These tornadoes are devastating, when cold and warm air […]
Gillioz Bankruptcy Boosts Ticket Sales
Springfield, MO—According to sources, the “going out of business” hype surrounding the Gillioz Theatre has been the best PR any business could hope to have. From the time the original loans were called in to the announcement of filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, ticket sales have been rapidly rising. “When I heard the theatre […]
Local Stoners Disappointed by Lack of Munchies
Springfield, MO—City Councilmen Doug Burlison, and Dan Chiles spoke to a packed crowd at their forum on medical marijuana at the Library Center last evening. The crowd was an odd mix of the immensely old and the college hippies marking the first union of these age groups since the 1985 Congressional hearings on music censorship […]
Riverside Bridge To Be Stored At Heer’s Building Temporarily
Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out. “Really, if you […]
December Horoscopes
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Turkey Trot Course Hampers Sausage & Gravy Run
Springfield, MO—Kent Louizer, a local breakfast connoisseur, is making plans to visit his favorite breakfast shop Thanksgiving morning based on the Turkey Trot road closures. “The dang ol’ race isn’t going to keep me from getting my sausage and gravy,” stated Louizer. According to Louizer, each year at Thanksgiving he has to make a special […]
