All Entries Tagged With: "laugh"
Half-Man, Half-Segway Patrols Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good. ‘It started when […]
Local Kids Found “Sheening” in Parking Lot
Nixa, MO—A new synthetic drug is on the market made of tiger’s blood and Adonis’ DNA and when used is referred to as “Sheening”. The new stimulant is rising in popularity and is threatening to unseat the Ozarks as the capital of methamphetamine production. The drug has becoming so popular that kids across the Ozarks […]
Earthquake Evidence Reveals Fable As Fact
Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out […]
Mayo-44 Named for Miracle Whiplash Crash
Springfield, MO—Following the great mayonnaise truck wreck on I-44, city officials have decreed that the stretch of road coated in the thick, creamy substance be renamed Mayo-44 to honor the one-in-a-million miracle whiplash crash. “Not only did the driver walk away unharmed but the entire interstate was covered in God’s snot, mayonnaise,” said Missouri Highway […]
Borders Building To House Barnes and Noble Servers
Springfield, MO- The old Border’s bookstore building has been purchased by Barnes and Noble to be used as storage for their various computer servers. Barnes and Noble, needing the extra server space and bandwidth to deal with the thousands of patrons visiting their web site every day, bought the building for 25 dollars and a […]
Bitter Old Miser Shown True Meaning of President’s Day
Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits. Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and […]
Sauna-vator Installed at Hammons Tower
Springfield, MO—Building officials confirmed that a new elevator with sauna-like properties has been installed inside one of Springfield’s most posh, luxury-office complexes, the Hammons Tower. Office tenants are encouraged to disrobe upon entering the Sauna-vator, drape a towel around their backside and enjoy the benefits of weight loss, detoxification, negative ions and lower blood pressure […]
Fortune Telling Lawyer Open for Business
Springfield, MO—Local attorney Newsome Higsby has moved his law practice into a former fortuneteller’s office on Glenstone and St. Louis Street in Springberg, hoping to glean some otherworldly help in his caseload. Higsby said, “The space has a special aura about it. I think that most defendants would appreciate help from beyond the grave, and […]
79 Spartans Vote to Victory!
Sparta, MO—Spartan voters approved issuing $2.5 million in bonds for improvements to the water and sewer system in Sparta this past week. The new water and sewer system will include a bottomless pit for sewer waste that shall remain uncovered and reside within the center of the city. Only scantily clad Spartan warriors will stand […]
Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds
Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds. “I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” […]
It Burns When You Learn at UTI
Springfield, MO—Universal Technical Institute, a system of technical schools specializing in automotive repairs, was recently surprised to learn that its abbreviation also refers to urinary tract infections. Officials at UTI were confused by a sudden rash of questions after airing television commercials for the school here in the Ozarks. “We were curious why people were calling […]
Mary Kay Meeting At Pink Cadillac Lounge
Springfield, MO—Newly hired Mary Kay representative, Joan Fingersaver, recently booked the annual Mary Kay annual chapter meeting at the best location she had never visited, the Pink Cadillac on South Glenstone Street. “Oh no I’ve never been there but I thought it would be the perfect place for our meeting, I mean, we drive pink […]
MSU Bears Offer Pacemakers to Fans
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State University athletics department will be offering branded pacemakers to any interested fans due to the heart-racing ending of most men’s basketball games. Pacemakers can be picked up at the JQH Arena ticket booth Monday through Friday from 1-4 pm. “We’re literally killing our fans with excitement, each game is coming down […]
Local Woman Fails at Fashion
Hollister MO – Tammy Liebowitz of Hollister Missouri doesn’t know what to wear anymore. The Hollister native has always taken pride in her hometown and was thrilled whenever she went out and saw people wearing Hollister apparel. “For years I would go out and see people wearing Hollister gear.”, she said. “I would also see […]
Pokemon Card Competitor has Attractive Girlfriend
Springfield, MO–A silence swept across Metagames last Saturday as 21-year-old local Pokemon card competitor, Michael Walsh, stunned his fellow “Pokemon Trainers” by revealing that he not only has a girlfriend, but that she is attractive. “We were just in awe,” said friend and fellow Pokemon card competitor, Aaron Boshin, “This has never happened before to […]
