All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
City Hails New Super Hero: Mr. Hot Legs
Springfield, MO – A new super hero, known as Mr. Hot Legs, revealed himself yesterday by saving 2 women stranded in a frozen lake after their vehicle slid off a neighborhood road. According to the police report the man realized that action was needed immediately and he used his super human power of “warm legs” […]
Children Build Preemptive Snowman
Springfield, MO – Upon hearing the news that Springfield Public Schools preemptively cancelled school today, dozens of children screamed in excitement, ran outside and immediately began building preemptive snowmen. “It was so sweet. My daughter ran out the front door and began to pantomime rolling in the snow, then she made a snow angel in […]
Obama Encourages Nation to Try Springfield-Style Cashew Chicken
Springfield, MO – During the State of the Union address, President Obama urged all citizens of the United States to try Springfield-style cashew chicken as it “tastes really, really good.” The President continued, “not only does it taste good, but it is a perfect symbol of our current State of the Union. A common ingredient […]
Huge Garage Sale Keeps Husbands Up Late
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of husbands stayed up late tagging assorted and various items of a crap spectrum preparing for the nation’s largest garage sale last week. Wives across the area thought it would be good to clean out the house and go out big with a mega event. “Yeah, so Shirley said we could […]
Polar Vortex Disease Blamed for Sick Days
Springfield, MO – Citing inhumane weather and uncomfortable feelings caused by decreased temperatures, hundreds of people across the Ozarks have called in sick prompting the World Health Organization to identify this new ailment as Polar Vortex Disease, or PVD. “I’ve battled PVD ever since I first heard of the polar vortex,” said Amanda Sitherton, “once […]
“No–BKG!” Campaign Launched by Taney Co. Airport & Yakov
Branson, MO – Following the improper landing of a Southwest Airlines 737-700 at M. Graham Clark Downtown Airport, the Taney County airstrip has partnered with local Branson entertainer Yakov Smirnoff to promote a “No–BKG!” campaign to dissuade larger aircraft from landing at the smaller airport. “We have had close calls, but this last one really […]
Mizzou Fans Headed to the NFL
Columbia, MO – After a successful cheering on of their football team during the 41-31 win over Oklahoma State in Friday’s 2014 AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic, hundreds of fans have declared themselves eligible for the 2014 NFL season. “We gave a lot this past year. And we’re foregoing our next year of eligibility to support […]
Polar Vortex Hovered Over Local Man
Springfield, MO – According to witnesses, the Polar Vortex followed a local man wherever he went yesterday, instantly dropping temperatures and freezing many businesses into closure. Jim Wunmertale said he first noticed the change when he left his home to take out the trash. “In the morning, I looked up and there was a black-silverish […]
Inches and Inches of Snow Falls Here and There
Springfield, MO – Parts of Springfield received more snow than other parts Saturday night and Sunday — causing many officials to speculate that “inches and inches” accumulated. Other areas including Nixa, Ozark, Republic, Willard, Logan-Rogersville, Branson and Marshfield have also received snow, up to “a lot” in some places. According to the National Weather Service […]
SPS Orders 4×4 School Buses!
Springfield, MO – Due to complaints by several school-age parents, Springfield Public Schools has purchased and received dozens of four-wheel drive school buses to cart kids to and from school. The new buses will be unveiled this weekend in a winner take all bone-crushing 4×4 monster bus competition. The new busses will be driven over […]
Elf Massages Half Off This Week!
Springfield, MO – Tiny Hands Massage & Spa has announced a half off deal for the Elf Massage package that includes at least a dozen elves rubbing down customers with itty-bitty hands and fingers. The package normally runs $120/hour but is being offered at $60/hour as an after Christmas sale. “I’ve had the elf massage. […]
Skateport King Loses Battle to MODOT, Rink to Close
Springfield, MO –Skateport King Barry Melvin released a statement announcing the closure of Skateport next year, a place that some consider a local landmark. The closure was deemed necessary by MODOT and is expected to ease congestion on south Glenstone with a new access road located at the site. Melvin appointed himself “King of Skateport” […]
Downtown to Host 5k for 5k Awareness
Springfield, MO – According to a recent poll, Springfieldians are less aware of the importance of 5k fundraising and will be enlightened by this 5k for 5k Awareness run. Event staff are accepting applications now and are continuing education around 5k benefits to runners and charity recipients. “We want to communicate to our community that […]
Plane Crashing Into Meteor Landing on Meth House Creates Loud Booms
Springfield, MO – Thousands of citizens experienced a very rare noise last night as a military plane broke the sound barrier and immediately collided with a meteorite entering Earth’s atmosphere, then both landed atop a well-known meth house causing a secondary explosion. “I heard it at my pappy’s house down in Nixa, never thought I’d […]
Giant Snowman Farting Snowflakes Over Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service has confirmed that a gigantic snowman stretching 2-miles high, has been responsible for the farting snowflakes over the Ozarks this week. The sputtering of snow began after the lumbering 10,560 foot ate some bad shrimp during its journey from North Texas to the East Coast. The NWS, tasked […]
