All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Michael Buble Impregnates 80% of Women at JQH Arena
Springfield, MO—The soothing tones of crooner Michael Buble effectively impregnated a majority of the female audience during his performance at the Q this week. During the concert one female attendee was overheard screaming “Oh yes, yes, yes! His voice is throbbing inside of me!” before passing out on the concert floor from exhaustion. “Bubble-head […]
Battlefield Mall to Stage Reenactment
Springfield, MO – In conjunction with the sesquicentennial of the Civil War, Battlefield Mall will be staging a reenactment commemorating its own civil war. Battlefield Mall is in fact not named for Battlefield Street, nor for the town, or the civil war battles. Battlefield Mall is named for it’s own battle, nearly forgotten to […]
Wilson’s Creek Tourist Totally Empathizes With Soldiers
Battlefield, MO- After taking a tour of Wilson’s Creek Battlefield many tourist feel exactly how the brave soldiers felt while fighting for their causes. While the tourist differ in gender, age, and station of life they all can agree on one thing: they have it just as tough as the soldiers did. “Am I […]
Mike’s Friends; Dan’s Friends Call For Cease Splashing, End of Dunk War
Chesterfield Aquatic Center, MO- Representatives from Mike’s friends and Dan’s friend called for an end to all splashing, hopefully paving the way to end the 15-minute dunk war. Mike and Dan have been friends since kindergarten, but have grown apart during their 4th grade year leading to some low-key hostilities. The powder keg was […]
Backwoods “Martha Stewart” Host Delightful Bar-B-Que
Springfield, MO- Billy Ray Grangerford hosted a delightful Bar-B-Que last night according to numerous party guests. Billy, known as the Martha Stewart of the backwoods, has hosted many events from the past such as: Ray’s “Road House” themed bachelor party, “Everywhich way But Loose” movie night complete with “monkey brain” made with food coloring […]
City to Hire Red Light Regulators
Springfield, MO—City council is suspending efforts to re-activate its red light camera system and opting to hire 12 people to monitor traffic at major intersections. The new hires are possible due to sales tax revenue increases of 2.28 percent over last year. These new Red Light Regulators will be the first new hires in […]
Major Nic Fit Hits Springfield
Springfield, MO—One day after the no smoking ban was in place the Queen City has exhibited a major case of a nicotine fit. According to Lewis Shamburg, “everybody at Trolley’s was seriously pitchin’ a fit. Totally jonesing for a smoke. Freakin’ out!” Most nightlifters in the downtown district were totally unhinged during the first […]
Silver Dollar City Creates Genuine 1800’s Roller Coaster
Springfield, MO- Silver Dollar city revealed it’s new roller coaster “Guiteau’s Bullet” to the crowd of park patrons yesterday. The roller coaster, which reaches speeds of 8 miles per hour, was created and operated by technology only around the 1880’s. “We decided to put our silver coins where our chops is. We always boast […]
Sweltering Heat Places Ozarks in Slow Motion
Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed. Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to […]
Children Affected After Jump Mania Outbreak
Springfield, MO—Thousands of children in the Ozarks have been diagnosed with a certain psychiatric disease known only as “Jump Mania”. Children have been seen jumping uncontrollably across the city in grocery stores, libraries and schools at random. Dr. Rufus Sondgram said, “Jump Mania varies in intensity, from mild jump to full-blown mania with psychotic features […]
Food Plate Reveals Future of Food
Springfield, MO—The release of the new USDA Food Plate has Ozarkers excited for the future of cuisine. The 20-year-old Food Pyramid featured photographs of foods, while the new Food Plate shows futuristic foods arranged on a plate in geometric shapes. “I’m so excited that the government released this new guide. Now we’re ready to […]
Obama’s Unicorns to Clean Joplin
Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns. As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the […]
Assessors Office to Accept Different Forms of Payment
Springfield MO – With the public outrage over the increase of personal property taxes, the Greene County Assessors office has come up with a plan to help people make the payments. Assessor Ric Kissington announced that the county will take as payment either gold or ground beef. “Seeing how property goes up and down […]
National Bubba Day Sparks Riot at Walmart
Springfield Mo- As we all know June 2nd is the national celebration of Bubba day. Beet Farmers, Cattle Handlers, and other Bumpkins take the day off to remember loved ones and embrace the traditional family name that started right here in the Ozarks. The holiday started in 1862 by co-founders Bubba Jenkins and Bubba […]
Branson Blasted For Serving Patrons Under 65
Branson M0- After a police sting operation, numerous restaurants in the Branson area have been found guilty of serving patrons under the age of 65. Branson known as the “Vegas of the Mid-West With Colostomy Bags” prides itself to be the vacation spot for the old and old at heart. Many of the “youngins” […]
