All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Ark of Healthcare Found at Mercy!
Springfield, MO – Professor Illinois Jones made a significant historical find this week by discovering the Ark of Healthcare, a biblical relic that was long thought to be lost to the annals of time. Too holy to be placed on the ground or touched by one less than elite, one of the Bible’s holiest relics […]
Woman Blows Pants Off at Chili Cook-Off
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of eyewitnesses gave firsthand accounts of a woman who had flatuleted her own pants away at the 32nd Sertoma Chili Cook-Off. Spectators suggest she consumed too much chili for her own good very early in the day and all the beans caught up to her in the end. “I….I was standing […]
Man Celebrates Everything V, but not Valentine’s Day
Springfield, MO – Local single man Richard Dickens attempted to block out the recent love-fest holiday, commonly known as Valentine’s Day, by celebrating everything “V” that he could imagine. His day started early and ended late, and he surprised himself with resourcefulness and creativity. “I just had the most fantastic day ever. That must be […]
Ozark Forest Marines Sent to Destroy Feral Hog Nest
Springfield, MO- The Ozarks has a new threat to deal with: feral hogs. The furious beast not only tear up the ground, but eat precious acorns and devour turkey eggs, which Ozark hillbillies use for food and currency. Because the pigs are overtaking the most the region, the Missouri government has to step in. A […]
Pope Resigns: Opens Vatican City Theater in Branson
Branson, MO – Head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI followed up his resignation announcement with surprising news: plans to open a theater in Southwest Missouri. Vatican City Theater will open this March, after all papal duties are completed, for a 6-month run. City officials are eager to lure more aging tourists to […]
Climate Change Nerds Ruin Seasonally Warm Weather
Springfield, MO- While most Springfield residents were pleasantly surprised by the warm weather yesterday, a bunch of egg-head losers actually complained about the 70 degree temperatures. The know-it -all nerds told various residents that even though the warm days are nice now, climate change will have dire consequences in the future. “While you all are […]
Silver Dollar City Plans Underground Railroad-themed Ride
BRANSON (MO) – Following this spring’s opening of “Outlaw Run,” a new wooden roller coaster, Silver Dollar City, the popular 1800’s-themed amusement park, will next open an “Underground Railroad-themed adventure ride.” “We’re all excited about ‘Outlaw Run,’ of course, but this new ride is going to be really make history,” commented Parker Amends, a spokesperson […]
Insensitive Wife Totally Forgets Super Bowl
Nixa, MO- Local wife and mother Lily Harslow is in the doghouse today because she forgot the most important day in a man’s year: Super Bowl Sunday. Even though Mrs. Harslow apologized profusely, she knows that it will take a while before her husband’s heart will heal. “I knew it was sometime in February,” states […]
Group Flashes Mob at SBC
Springfield, MO – In a strange twist of fate, a rabid mob was chased away by a group of flashing patrons this week. The angry mob had entered the brewery demanding mead and horses but was deterred when diners showed their naked selves. “It was scary. Nobody knew what to do until one person started […]
Romantic People of Walmart in SGF
SPRINGFIELD (MO) – Many Springfield residents met last week to discuss the pros and cons of building a new Walmart store in the downtown area. After more than an hour of impassioned pleas from the gallery, the Springfield Zoning and Planning Commission recommended approval for a Walmart Neighborhood Market near the intersection of Campbell and […]
Start-Button Black Hole Discovered In Parking Lot
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of start-button automobile owners are falling victim to the electronic black hole situated miles beneath the parking lot at James River Town Center, a shopping destination on East Independence Street. “We pulled in, parked and shopped at Kohl’s for about 40 minutes. When we came out our new car wouldn’t start. […]
