All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Fireworks Stand Changes Name to Responsible Randy’s
Springfield, MO – After operating for several years as Crazy Carl’s Fireworks, a recent tent fire has prompted ownership to reconsider the stand’s brand and change its name to Responsible Randy’s Fireworks. The new name is expected to stand alone in a field of stands carrying monikers such as “Crazy”, “Wild” and “Socially Irresponsible” Fireworks. […]
Staudte’s Served Gatorade in Slammer
Springfield, MO – According to prison guards, Diane and Sarah Staudte are only being offered Gatorade to drink while they await their day in court for the poisoning deaths of Mark and Shaun Staudte and the attempted murder of Rachel Staudte. One inmate, Gail Shives, said, “I was angered when I heard that some inmates […]
Aerialist to Night-Walk From Hammons to Heer’s
Springfield, MO – According to publicized reports, world-renown aerialist Nik Wallenda will attempt a death-defying stunt at night by walking over a 2-inch-thick steel cable stretched from the Heer’s Building to the Hammons Tower this summer. The Springfield stunt was preceeded by a tightrope warm-up walk across a gorge near the Grand Canyon broadcast before […]
Circus Elephant Granted CCW After Drive-By Shooting
Willard, MO – After a drive-by shooting in Mississippi, a circus elephant is now traveling after securing a conceal and carry permit. Two months after being injured in a drive-by shooting, Carol, a 39-year-old Asian elephant hopes to be performing soon. While spending several weeks recovering at a Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey […]
Walmart Eyes Heer’s Building for WalTower
Springfield, MO – Following a legal battle over the near-downtown location of a proposed Walmart Neighborhood store at Grand and Campbell, Walmart officials are now targeting expansion into the historic Heer’s Building on the square. “The building has seen several attempts at development. We are proposing the world’s first multi-story Walmart facility. The high-rise Walmart […]
Criminals Disobeying Gun-Free Zones in Springfield
Springfield, MO – During the past 48 hours, at least 2 incidents have led investigators to believe that armed criminals are not respecting “gun-free” zones. A recent shooting at Southern Hills Shopping Center and an armed robbery at the Battlefield Mall have experts wondering how criminal minds are not understanding the symbolic circle-with-line-crossing-out-a-gun icon has […]
Work Out Art Revealed at Mercy
Springfield, MO – Located on the Mercy campus in Springfield, a new piece of art has been intentionally designed to be dual purpose; a thing of beauty and a machine for making beautiful bodies. The apparatus is available for anyone who chooses to work out and participate in performance art. “We installed the ‘WorkArt’ as […]
Alien Rulers Developed by McKesson
Springfield, MO – The local division of McKesson has received high praise from the UFO Scientific Society for developing a ruler specifically calibrated to accurately measure alien corpses in standard measurement units. The latest example was on display last year when McKesson Alien Measurement tools were used to calculate the approximate size of a foreign […]
Springfield Symphony Names Joel McHale As New Conductor
Springfield, MO – After an intense search, and a months of auditioning conductors, the Springfield Symphony is excited to announce its new conductor/musical director Maestro Joel McHale. McHale (born November 20, 1971) is an American comedian, actor, writer, television producer, television personality, and voice artist. He is best known for hosting The Soup and for […]
Boils Advisory for Ozark, MO
Ozark, MO – A problem with the water has prompted a boils advisory for the City of Ozark. The City says the advisory affects residents who have skin, hair follicles or those who are prone to be near bacteria. According to the city’s website, the advisory is in place to slow the boils spread […]
PEZ Scandal Rocks Youth Baseball
Springfield, MO – Springfield-Greene Count y Park Board will seek to suspend about 20 youth baseball players connected to the area dispensary at the heart of an ongoing pfefferminz-enhancing drug scandal, including 7-year-old Jimmy Blithens and 9-year-old Rickie Newports, possibly within the next few weeks. If the suspensions are upheld, the pfefferminz-enhancing drug scandal would […]
Nation’s First Open Jug Law Enacted in Christian County
Ozark, MO – Caving to pressure from local lobbyist efforts, Christian County has agreed to allow open jugs without penalty starting June 3rd. Influential groups of Ozarkers have been calling for the leniency for years suggesting that native people were being denied their ancestral right to carry around a moonshine jug without fear of […]
