All Entries Tagged With: "Home"
Neighbor Chokes Man’s Chicken
Springfield, MO— Apparently it isn’t just City Council who is evenly divided over the decision allowing up to six chickens to be boarded in the city limits. Residents of the affluent Highland Springs Country Club gated community watched in horror late yesterday as two of their own residents, 34-year-old Reginald “Reggie” Waddlesworth, a prominent stay-at-home-dad, […]
Customer Report: Pizza Less than Incredible
Breaking News Springfield, MO – Local curmudgeon Jeffery Owings has a bone to pick – with Incredible Pizza. “I went to this allegedly Incredible Pizza the other day. I had expectations, let me tell you. And guess what? They weren’t met, no sir. Not in the least. The pizza was far from incredible. It was, […]
Bistro Market ‘Bigger Than Jesus’
Springfield, MO—After years as downtown Springfield’s most recognized poster-board evangelist, Mathew Bolen has traded his post at the corner of South and Walnut for Wagyu beef, fresh ground almond butter, and organic chard. “Bistro Market is what I’d been praying for,” said Bolen. “When Wheeler’s moved out, I filled the hole in my heart with […]
AREA MAN DISCOVERS “CASHEW CHICKEN” IS JUST FRIED CHICKEN IN OYSTER GRAVY
Springfield, MO – “I’m just beside myself” declares area high school football coach Grant Llewellyn. “I grew up here in Springfield and I’ve always been led to believe that cashew chicken is a rare and incredibly exotic dish that one could only have prepared by highly trained and secretive master chefs of The Ozarks. This […]
Ozarkers Burn Cashew Chicken in Protest
Springfield, MO—Local Ozarkers are turning up the heat to pressure Rev. Terry Jones, the head of a small Florida church, who plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11th. Several southwest Missourians plan to protest Jones’ radical plan by incinerating something close to their hearts: Springfield-style cashew chicken. “I think if you sacrifice […]
Ice Cream Man, Dentists in Cahoots?
Springfield, MO—According to sources, one particular ice cream man, identified as Dave, has been setting up shop outside a local dentist office, apparently trying to rot potential patients’ teeth. “Y’know it looks real suspicious when the local dentist’s office has an ice cream man parked out front. I know times are hard, but to peddle […]
Staxx Owner Buys Jelly Beans, Red Hots, Peach O’s
Springfield, MO—According to sources, Meghan Chambers, owner of Staxx LLC downtown clothing store, has purchased several gummy confectioneries made of sugars, gelatin, corn syrup, and starch. On Tuesday, an employee at the Candy House on South Campbell Avenue confirmed that she saw Chambers picking through an assorted bin of Jelly Belly beans, meticulously picking out […]
Local Men Claim “Worlds Best Dad” Title
Springfield, Mo- Adding to an already intense holiday weekend, there appears to be a close contest for the title of “Best Dad”. Three local Ozarks men appear to be in a heated head-to-head battle for the coveted title. Each was awarded the title when they received as gifts from their children a mug/t-shirt combo with […]
Dickens Cider Comes To Friday Farmer’s Market
Springfield, MO—Rumor has it that the Friday Farmer’s Market in downtown Springfield is about to get bigger and tastier with addition of a legendary local favorite — Dickens Cider. The Dickens Cider family recipe has been handed down for generations and has recently gained popularity with locals for its apparent health benefit. Speaking on condition […]
Cauliflower Bank Opens
Springfield, MO—A new vault of sorts has opened on the south side of town, one that allows customers to stockpile vegetables of a certain variety, specifically cauliflower. The new cauliflower bank sprung up as a resource for food stockpiling and is sponsored by AGCU and features a huge stalk of cauliflower as the logo. “The […]
Diners Scramble at Scramblers
Springfield, MO—Scramblers diners were sent scrambling after a rogue driver plowed a gas meter and electrical box. The diners were hustled out of the establishment as a precautionary measure by a manager who shouted “Scramble! Scramble! Get Out!” Scramblers at West Chestnut Expressway was packed at the time and several Customers weren’t immediately sure what […]
ZooDoo Program Inspires YouDoo Sales
Sparta, MO—Inspired by The Dickerson Park Zoo’s ZooDoo program, Herb Langford will begin taking reservations for YouDoo — composted Homo sapiens manure — on Friday. The cost is $12 per bucket. A normal pickup truck load is between eight and ten buckets. Customers can request smaller sizes but are asked to bring their own Tupperware […]
Couple Sneaks Extra Breadsticks into Doggie Bag at Olive Garden
Springfield, MO—A discreet couple smoothly inserted three leftover breadsticks into their Styrofoam take home box Monday evening without raising suspicions among Olive Garden wait staff at Glenstone and Erie streets in the Queen City. Doris and Henry Norton enjoyed a lavish feast of chicken scampi and chicken Alfredo respectively and just received their boxed leftovers […]
Man at Fair Deep Fried, Eaten
Springfield, MO—Jeffery Green, a local accountant, met with tragedy yesterday at the Ozark Empire Fair when he was accidently battered, fried, and quickly devoured by local fair attendees. The feeding frenzy was so quick no one was identified or charged. The fair apologized to Green’s family and offered them a stuffed gorilla and a White […]
Domino’s Pizza Delivered By QuikDine
Springfield—George Thimbert totally had pizza delivered by QuikDine delivery service on Wednesday. When approached for comment Thimbert said, “well, I, uh, was jonsing for a pizza so I called the delivery service and asked them to deliver it to me. Because I was, like, hungry.” A QuikDine representative said QuikDine, a Springfield, Missouri enterprise and […]
