All Entries Tagged With: "funny"
Naked Billboard Arouses Bachelor’s Interest
Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education. Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping […]
Hot Wheels Sponsors Flyover Ramp at 60/65 Interchange
Springfield, MO—Hot Wheels, a Mattel brand, will sponsor the grand opening of the flyover ramp this weekend at the Highway 60/65 interchange. The sponsorship is part of an effort to add a sweet gravity performance loop and jump section to the highway for local residents to enjoy. “The people at Hot Wheels were gracious […]
Hammons Found Frozen in Carbonite
Springfield, MO—Community leaders are happy to announce that they have located John Q Hammons frozen in a block of carbonite. Previously, Hammons was feared to be imprisoned in involuntary seclusion at a Springfield nursing home by the current CEO of his company. “Fortunately, we found him in carbonite down by the Jordan River,” said a […]
METH HEADS RALLY AGAINST COCAINE DEALERS
Springfield MO.- The recent arrest of area cocaine dealers has gain support from an unlikely source. Nick Wethead, president of the Ozarks Meth Men has proposed that profiling be encouraged to rid the town of anyone that has the possibility of using cocaine instead of locally produced meth. “There is meth to our madness.”, […]
James River Breaks Up With America
Springfield, MO—James River Assembly has bid adieu to America for the time being. Due to an upcoming summer of unknowing circumstances, JRA has decided to break up with America. Says a source, “We will always love America but we can no longer continue to date.” James River Assembly and I Love America had been […]
Kyle Weems To Run For Mayor
Springfield MO – Kyle Weems was late getting to the press conference to discuss the Missouri State’s basketball involvement in the NIT postseason tournament. He was seen shaking hands with fans, hugging old ladies and kissing babies. When he finally took his seat he had the following comments. “Look I am glad as the next […]
Pole Dance Workout Offered at Pony Club
Springfield, MO—The Pony Club, a local gentlemen’s club, is offering pole-dancing workouts during the day in an attempt to reach a new crowd of local health-seeking patrons. The classes will be offered during the club’s off hours, at 8, 9 and 10 am Monday through Friday. “We thought we could capitalize on our empty […]
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March Horoscopes
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Bears Snubbed from NCAA, NIT and 2012 MVC Tourney
Springfield, MO—Fans of Missouri State University basketball were dealt a crushing blow yesterday with the early announcement that their men’s team would not be extended an invitation to the NCAA, the NIT, nor next year’s Missouri Valley Conference Tournament. “We’re hoping to crush any existing hope in southwest Missouri right now,” said NCAA administering […]
Half-Man, Half-Segway Patrols Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good. ‘It started when […]
Soldiers Help Clean Dirty Senior Citizens
Springfield, MO—Soldiers from Fort Leonard Wood helped clean up several yards of dirty senior citizens in the Ozarks this past weekend. The unclean senior citizens were lined up in section several feet long for the ritualistic cleansing held at the Battlefield Mall parking lot. Some involved weren’t aware of the coming shower, rinse and louse […]
Squirrel Poachers Plague Nature Center
Springfield, MO- The elusive and endangered gray squirrel is on the brink of extinction thanks to a myriad of squirrel poachers illegally killing the peaceful creatures. The Springfield Nature Center is one of the only sanctuaries for these gentle giants, but even the Center cannot hold against the ruthless killers. “I don’t think the poachers […]
Earthquake Evidence Reveals Fable As Fact
Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out […]
