All Entries Tagged With: "funny"
Naked Man Taunts Gods of Rain, Flood Waters
Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain. Naysmith was called away from work to […]
Slow Foods Featured at Moxie
Springfield, MO—To celebrate Earth Day, Slow Foods of Southwest Missouri is hosting two movies at the Moxie Cinema tonight, however Moxie management insists that the theatre food is indeed served quickly. “No, no, you see there are two movies, Fresh and The Vanishing of the Bees that are dealing with the slow food movement. It […]
Retired Playboy Bunnies Arrive for Easter Weekend
Springfield, MO—Retired Playboy Bunnies sprung up this morning across Springfield’s major intersections. The aged gals wore traditional Easter Bunny costumes announcing that the Holy Day was coming as if it were the end of the world. Most passerby’s simply honked in appreciation. One thoroughly surprised traveler was shocked when he stopped his car and […]
Man Still Trying to Leave Rock’n Ribs
Springfield, MO—Local man, Charlie Swangar, is still attempting to leave the 12th Annual Rock’n Ribs BBQ Festival presented by the Rotary Clubs of Springfield. According to reports, Swanger entered the Bass Pro parking lot on Saturday April 16th and has been attempting to navigate his way out of the traffic for several days. “The […]
Giant Fly Zapper Atop St. John’s Rids City of Mosquitoes
Springfield, MO—A new feature will be added to the cross that resides on St. John’s Hospital this Spring—a new zapper element to eliminate nuisance bugs in the Springfield area. The St. John’s bug zapper, known as Cross Zapper 3000, is anticipated to attract and kill more than 200,000 disease-carrying insects in a single evening. Pending […]
Nixa Software Opens For Agro-Techs
Nixa, MO—Seven acres of software opened in Christian County on Highway 14 and 160 this week as Nixa Software welcomes digital loving rural customers who will be provided with high-tech gear for getting chores done around the house or the ranch. “I bought my daddy a iPhone holder belt buckle, his phone just slides […]
Snake Oil April
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Einstein Bros Bagel Company Creates Uranium Enriched Bagel
Springfield, MO- After years of pain-staking research, Einstein Bros Bagel Company finally created its first uranium enriched bagel. The bagel has not only been described as delicious, but also low in fat and high in death; the destroyer of worlds. The bagel is on sale now and is a big hit with numerous demographics. […]
1950’s Ad Executives, Private Investigators, and Hollywood Starlets All Decry Smoking Ban
Springfield, MO- According to numerous sources, many 1950’s Ad Executives, Private Investigators, and Hollywood Starlets decried the smoking ban that passed in Springfield on April 5th. The ban, starting June 5, will restrict smoking in all public buildings such as restaurants, clubs, or bars. “I can’t believe this“, states Grant Rogers as he nervously […]
Trap Door/Wolf Pit Added To John L. Morris’s Office
Springfield, MO—Last week John L. Morris, owner of Bass Pro, defended a need for trap-door/wolf pit added to his office. “I know due to the tough economic times many higher levels executives are called to tone down superficial items. But, a hidden trap door leading to a wolf pit is an absolute necessity,” stated […]
Three Tourists Beheaded at Mexican Villa
Springfield, MO— Mexican Villa, a long-standing Ozarks’ tradition of fine Mexican Food saw three tourist’s heads removed with satisfaction last night. The diners were invited by their local hosts as guests to enjoy the Mexi-Ozarks cuisine; none expected heads to be lost over the meal. Lori McUli said, “our friends were in from Columbia […]
Local Man Tries Too Hard on April Fools’ Day
Springfield, MO—Larry Hardy has successfully irritated everyone he came in contact with this first day of April by hoaxing, joking and generally displaying poor taste. His hijinks included a myriad of lies, outrageous claims and semi-serious statements to evoke a small bit of laughter to sooth his self-righteous sense of comedy. “I saw Larry […]
Kraft Stank Cologne Offered in the Ozarks
Springfield, MO—The smelly, nasty cheese stank that rolls out of the Kraft plant on Glenstone Avenue will soon be available as a fragrance for people who wish to spray themselves with memories of the Ozarks. The new bottled scent called “Eau de Cheese” goes on sale at local gas stations next month. Made of […]
Mother Nature Gives Cardinals Out
Springfield, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals canceled their exhibition game against Double-A Springfield set for Tuesday night at Hammons Field, citing an ominous possible defeat at the hands of the underling team. Tuesday’s match was set for 7:07 p.m. and officials expected to draw a sold-out crowd of more than 9,000 before the “big” Cards […]
