All Entries Tagged With: "funny"
Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students
Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with […]
Gritty Archie Remake to be Filmed at Local High School
Springfield, MO- Some lucky Springfield High School students may be able to get their 10 minutes of fame thanks to Paramount Studio’s Archie reboot which is being filmed in the Ozarks. The shooting of the movie, which will take place in late May, will bring big stars to the area such as James Garfield, Diana […]
Table Rock Lake Summer Movie Series Announced
Branson, MO – The Army Corp. of Engineers announced that it will show movies against the face of Table Rock Mountain for the pleasure of boaters, fishermen, and general water enthusiasts this summer. The TRL Summer Movie Series opens next weekend and will feature The Rock starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage. “We have a […]
History Channel to Film “Bat Men” in Ozarks
Springfield, MO- With the success of such blue collar shows such as “Ice Road Truckers”, “Swamp People”, and “Ax Men” The History Channel will begin filming a show featuring bat hunters in the Ozarks. “Bat Men” will bring the fun, danger, and excitement of bat hunting to the average person’s living room. It will boast […]
Great Southern Bank Robbed Of Great Southern Treasures
Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe […]
Spring Wakens Famous Ozark Spotted Terror-weevil
Springfield, MO- With warmer weather and brighter skies Ozarkians are looking forward to baseball, picnics, and the awakening of the spotted Terror-weevil. The Terror-weevil can only be seen in the months of March and April where it emerges from deep underground caverns. This emergence (called the Terror Bloom by 1800’s Hill folk) is a rare […]
iPod-People Graphic Suggest Ozarkers Obsessed with Death
Springfield, MO – OzarksFirst is featuring a new social commenting graphic that depicts all Ozarkers as death-commenting gossipfuls. “When I look at it I expect the shadow people to be dancing like the iPod commercials, then they spew out these death-dedicated topics…pretty creepy to me,” said Andrea Fazzinoko. The new graphic was created to show […]
Bad Teeth, Use of Phrase “Crikey” Oust British Fugitive in Ozark
Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with […]
Don King Arrives in SGF 30 Minutes After His Hair
Springfield, MO – Don King’s hair arrived at the Springfield Branson Airport a full 30 minutes before the legendary boxing promoter. King was scheduled to arrive yesterday but was delayed when he leaned backwards and his hair fell 2 time zones behind him. “Only in America can a man be in 3 time zones at […]
Kaleidoscope Pierces Building Just Because It Can
Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere. “Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce […]
Pink Pony, Purple Burrito Collide: Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito Formed
Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the […]
Apple Tent Opens at Target
Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices. Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know […]
New Coach line makes debut at Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO – The premier leather bag retailer from New York, Coach Inc., is planning on market testing a new product line at their Battlefield Mall location. Lewis Frankfort, Coach’s CEO, made the announcement in a press release last Monday when revealing the company’s new line: The Coach Bag. “Coach has been commonly confused with […]
