All Entries Tagged With: "funny"
AgroMix Ozarks Fails To Deliver
Nixa, MO—It seemed like the perfect business plan in the red-hot social media boom, but a Nixa man’s agriculture-themed photo sharing site folded today, mere hours after its initial public offering failed to draw a single investor. “She’s as stillborn as a two-headed calf,” bemoaned LarryEarl Smith, founder and creator of the now defunct AgroMix […]
Twenty-Four Springfield Cardinals Suddenly Fall From Sky in Central Springfield
Springfield, MO—At approximately two o’ clock Wednesday afternoon, twenty-four Springfield Cardinals spontaneously fell from the sky, littering central Springfield with dead bodies. It has yet to be determined what caused the sudden drop of these baseball players, or what they were doing in the sky, for that matter. Chris Pilgrim was in the area walking […]
Locals in Uproar Over Shrine Mosque Construction
Springfield, MO—Wednesday afternoon as children were getting out of school and night-school students were heading to school, a group of concerned Springfieldians prepared to march all the way from the Abu Ben Adhem Shrine Mosque to the square to condemn the building of the mosque, finished in 1923, and also to promote walking as a […]
Man Finds Nephew Less Annoying this Christmas
Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year. In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good […]
Deflated Yard Decorations Terrifying During the Day
Springfield, MO—After the sun goes down Bernard Frinton’s Christmas decorations light up any person’s heart during the holidays, however, during the day the deflated Santa’s, snowmen and mess of lighting is enough to scare any holiday revelers right out of their elf shoes. “We drove by the decorated house today while going to the store […]
Google Crushes Local Mom and Pop Search Engine
Springfield, MO – Bob and Erma Matthews have been running Bob and Erma’s Search Engine for fifty one years from a small storefront on St. Louis Street. Those days will soon be coming to an end as Bob says they just can’t compete anymore. “The Google is just so fast, with access to so much […]
Branson Belle Sucked Into Branson Triangle
Branson, MO—Saturday night the Showboat Branson Belle fell into the dangerous grip of the Branson Triangle, an area where a number of aircraft and surface vessels allegedly and mysteriously disappear. The Branson Triangle, a region near State Park Marina on Table Rock Lake, was blamed for creating gusts of 45-miles-per-hour and causing a problem with […]
Birth Celebrated By Smoking Bubble Gum Stogies
Springfield, MO—Following the birth of Nathan and Sandy Brody’s first son at St. John’s Hospital, a tobacco-free campus, celebrators were forced to smoke bubble gum cigars in the couple’s assigned room. “I was so excited to greet my new nephew that I purchased candy, er bubble gum cigars for the event. Given that you can’t […]
December Horoscopes
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Hammons’ Statue Tells Fortunes for Quarter
Springfield, MO—To dispense the considerable business knowledge acquired by local hotelier, John Q. Hammons, his likeness has been converted into a fortune telling machine. Those who seek business knowledge can be transformed from business novice to savvy professional one quarter at a time. “Let’s be honest, John hasn’t felt very good recently. We were looking […]
Salvation Army Revokes “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Bell Ringer Policy
Springfield, MO—Officials at the local Salvation Army post have revoked their bell ringer’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, opening the door to welcome more volunteers into the organization to help with fundraising this holiday season. Professor Kitty Ujumba said, “before now the Salvos couldn’t ask specific questions about a potential bell ringers abilities. The original […]
Springfield Initiates Goth Relocation Program
Springfield, MO – Under the guise of center city beautification, the city of Springfield quietly began the first phase of it’s long term plan to eradicate downtown undesirables. The square has been fenced off and bulldozers have started to rip up sidewalks, steps and benches once perched upon by the city’s indigenous Goth and Vampire […]
Holiday Traffic Destroys Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf […]
Ozarks Hunter Sees Five-Headed Buck
Springfield, MO—Local hunter Hal Nimmers said he saw a giant buck over the weekend but chose not to harvest the deer because he wanted to see “how big it’d be next year.” “I was in my tree stand when a giant five-headed deer came stomping through the brush, each head had at least 14 points. […]
Candidates Continue Running Negative Ads for Spite
Springfield, MO- Although the election ended weeks ago, candidates are still running negative ads for seemingly nothing more than mean-spirited malice. The ads are not only attacking the person’s politics, but personal issues and fabrications. The ads can be seen ad naseum at various time slots and stations. One Carnahan ad states: “Roy Blunt is […]
