All Entries Tagged With: "comedy"
Ozarkers Brace for Warmer Weather
Springfield, MO – Local residents beaten down by the frozen temperatures are bracing themselves for absolutely gorgeous weather ahead. Shedding the heavy jackets is something that will be required as the mercury rises but many Ozarkers are resistant to the coming change. “My winter coat is so, so comfortable,” said Natalie Filuster, “I’m not sure […]
Girl Scout Investigating Possible Data Theft
Springfield, MO – Local Girl Scout Lorie Damon is reporting that she may have experienced a credit and debit card data breach from her cookie sales impacted 14 customers, one of the largest security breach she has ever reported. The cookie retailer confirmed on Tuesday that unauthorized access to payment card data between Feb. 2 […]
County Jail Photos Scanned for Potential Mate
Springfield, MO – Local criminals are taking to the Greene County Jail photo gallery of bookings to find a potential mate. Hosted on the SpringfieldNewsleader site, users refer to the gallery via multiple names including Booking.com, Crook.com and IncarcerCupid.com. “The crime and courts gallery allow those interested in finding a partner to match their criminal […]
Springfield Town Leaders Call “Hit” On Old Man Winter
Springfield, MO- With winter weather once again looming over Springfield, many city officials are turning to desperate measures to assure their town will not be in another icy abyss. During an emergency meeting Superintendent Norm Ridder (sick of so many snow days) and Mayor Bob Stevens decided to use government assets to fund various hit men and bounty hunters to “take care of” Old Man Winter. “Sure $100,000 is quite a […]
Children Build Preemptive Snowman
Springfield, MO – Upon hearing the news that Springfield Public Schools preemptively cancelled school today, dozens of children screamed in excitement, ran outside and immediately began building preemptive snowmen. “It was so sweet. My daughter ran out the front door and began to pantomime rolling in the snow, then she made a snow angel in […]
Obama Encourages Nation to Try Springfield-Style Cashew Chicken
Springfield, MO – During the State of the Union address, President Obama urged all citizens of the United States to try Springfield-style cashew chicken as it “tastes really, really good.” The President continued, “not only does it taste good, but it is a perfect symbol of our current State of the Union. A common ingredient […]
Attorney General Investigate Strickland Propane
Jefferson City, MO – Attorney General Chris Koster announced his office is investigating the cause of the recent rise in the price of propane gas, and is focusing the inquiry with Strickland Propane. Dozens of consumers have filed complaints with the Attorney General’s Consumer Protection Division against Strickland Propane, a propane and propane accessories supplier […]
Huge Garage Sale Keeps Husbands Up Late
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of husbands stayed up late tagging assorted and various items of a crap spectrum preparing for the nation’s largest garage sale last week. Wives across the area thought it would be good to clean out the house and go out big with a mega event. “Yeah, so Shirley said we could […]
Polar Vortex Disease Blamed for Sick Days
Springfield, MO – Citing inhumane weather and uncomfortable feelings caused by decreased temperatures, hundreds of people across the Ozarks have called in sick prompting the World Health Organization to identify this new ailment as Polar Vortex Disease, or PVD. “I’ve battled PVD ever since I first heard of the polar vortex,” said Amanda Sitherton, “once […]
Prisoners Volunteer for Firing Squad
Springfield, MO – Following the introduction of House Bill 1470 by Rep. Rick Brattin, R-Harrisonville, hundreds of prisoners have volunteered to take place in firing squads if they are brought back to Missouri. In fact, an overwhelming majority of volunteers are interested in pulling the trigger to perform the executions. “Hey man, I’d be perfect […]
“No–BKG!” Campaign Launched by Taney Co. Airport & Yakov
Branson, MO – Following the improper landing of a Southwest Airlines 737-700 at M. Graham Clark Downtown Airport, the Taney County airstrip has partnered with local Branson entertainer Yakov Smirnoff to promote a “No–BKG!” campaign to dissuade larger aircraft from landing at the smaller airport. “We have had close calls, but this last one really […]
Southwest Airlines Awards 8 Bonus Miles for Landing at Wrong Airport
Branson, MO – Southwest Airlines has awarded passengers an extra 8 airline miles following a mistaken landing at M. Graham Clark Airport, part of the College of the Ozarks campus, which left the passengers and crew 40 feet away from a deadly cliff. The Boeing 737-700 (Flight 4013) touched down at 7:05 p.m. at C […]
Owl Beheads Woman
Springfield, MO – Amanda Fickerton was beheaded by a great horned owl last night in a southern neighborhood coffee shop near Ravenswood. Fickerton had been enjoying a night out with friends when the winged beast swooped in, grasped her by the hair and ripped her head from her body. “It was so cool! This thing […]
Mizzou Fans Headed to the NFL
Columbia, MO – After a successful cheering on of their football team during the 41-31 win over Oklahoma State in Friday’s 2014 AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic, hundreds of fans have declared themselves eligible for the 2014 NFL season. “We gave a lot this past year. And we’re foregoing our next year of eligibility to support […]
Polar Vortex Hovered Over Local Man
Springfield, MO – According to witnesses, the Polar Vortex followed a local man wherever he went yesterday, instantly dropping temperatures and freezing many businesses into closure. Jim Wunmertale said he first noticed the change when he left his home to take out the trash. “In the morning, I looked up and there was a black-silverish […]
