All Entries Tagged With: "breaking news"
Zombies Offended By MO Dept. of Conservation Hoax
Springfield, MO – Scores of Ozarks walking dead community were offended by the Missouri Department of Conservation this week and their use of an internet hoax aimed to raise awareness around general safety and conservation messages. The hoax involved a fake alert that Missouri is experiencing an invasion of species alert centered around zombies […]
Record High for Ozark Haunted House Foreclosures
Springfield MO- Haunted house foreclosures in the Ozarks are at an all-time high leaving various ghouls, ghost and other creatures of the night homeless. Because of the foreclosures the abominations of evil are having to move into hotels, stay at relative’s houses, or (in case of trolls) pan handle under a bridge. Many are […]
Human Models Put Mannequins Out of Work
Springfield, MO – People gathered and gawked outside of Staxx and Moda at last weekend’s Art Walk, admiring the realness and mobility of the mannequins standing in the business’ windows. It was later discovered that the mannequins were actually human models, wearing human clothes and standing as still as humanly possible, just like mannequins […]
Pensmore Mansion Swallowed By Sinkhole
Highlandville, MO – The indestructible castle Pensmore, formerly known as Overwatch Manor, was afforded every protection available to architects, however, a good ol’ fashioned Missouri sink hole has provided an unseen set back to the colossal project. This week an enormous sink hole consumed Pensmore in an 800 foot collapse into the Ozark Mountains. […]
KY3 Changes Format to Cover KY News
Springfield, MO—After serving the Ozark Plateau area of Southwestern Missouri for over 50 years, local television station KY3 recently realized that the “KY” indicated that they should be reporting on news related to the state of Kentucky, not Southwest Missouri. Said the station general manager, “We were embarrassed and a lot surprised when one of […]
PUBLIC CELEBRATES “REDUCED PRICE CHOCOLATE DAY”
Springfield, MO – As news spread of plentiful chocolate supplies left over from Valentines’ Day, stores have drastically reduced the price of sweets packaged in red and/or heart shaped containers beginning February 15th. Chocolates can now be found up to 50% off at most chocolate merchants around the area. Local candy store owner Julie Sweet […]
Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds
Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds. “I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” […]
3-Way Craigslist Ad Leads to Steak n Shake
Springfield, MO – An ad posted on the popular classified site Craigslist recently promised area residents a 3-way if they went to the corner of Campbell & Swan or Glenstone & Cinderella. Johnny Moronico of Bois D’Arc replied to the ad only to find he was getting Chili from Steak N Shake and not the […]
Ft. Wood Attacked by Mighty Black Tornado
Springfield, MO—Fort Leonard Wood was recently attacked by a mighty black tornado, ripping through soldier’s ranks like a tear in a lost lottery ticket. The force of nature completely dominated the most powerful military force on Earth with little regard for repercussions. Former President Bush said, “These tornadoes are devastating, when cold and warm air […]
Riverside Bridge To Be Stored At Heer’s Building Temporarily
Ozark, MO – In light of the recent troubles that have befallen the beloved and beleaguered Riverside Bridge of Christian County, local politicians have devised a seemingly foolproof solution: they intend to store the bridge in the Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield until all of the legal issues can be hammered out. “Really, if you […]
Salvation Army Revokes “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Bell Ringer Policy
Springfield, MO—Officials at the local Salvation Army post have revoked their bell ringer’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, opening the door to welcome more volunteers into the organization to help with fundraising this holiday season. Professor Kitty Ujumba said, “before now the Salvos couldn’t ask specific questions about a potential bell ringers abilities. The original […]
Renovation Approved: Heer’s Boarded Up
Springfield, MO—After years of negotiating, the Heer’s department store building will finally receive the renovation it has been waiting for: a good boarding up. The new plans to board up the building will be the first improvement the property has seen since 1994. “The Heer’s building has been deteriorating for years. This boarding up is […]
