All Entries Tagged With: "Branson Missouri"
Depends Offered at Branson Zipline
Branson, MO—Zipping thru the trees on a zipline has a new benefit this month: free adult diapers to the first 200 customers. According to sources at Branson Zipline and Canopy Tours, every person whizzing through the air, hundreds of feet above the ground will be given a free pair of Depend Adult Diapers. “Our customers […]
Branson Comedians Required To Wear Dentures for 2010 Season
Branson, MO—FCN has learned the Missouri Department of Health Services is unveiling plans to require all Branson comedians wear dentures during the 2010 season. A DHS insider wishing to remain anonymous told FCN, “We have overlooked it for years because it was quaint and funny but for front-row patrons, it really has the potential of […]
Branson Landing “Boom Sale” Promotion Backfires
Branson, MO—Yesterday, several Branson Landing vendors were dealt a cruel hand as they launched their newly themed “Boom Sale” to gain additional sales during the tourist off-season. “If we’d known that there was going to be some douche bag placing bombs near ATMs we would have never proceeded with the promotion,” said Branson Landing management, […]
John Q de Hotelier Statue Announced
Branson, MO—New statue plans were announced today to honor James Quentin Hammons, the holiest of hoteliers. Known as an American businessman and one of the nation’s premier developers of upscale luxury hotels and resorts, “John Q”, has conveyed a message of representing the general public and progress in Springfield, Missouri and beyond. Overlooking Table Rock […]
Dam Engineers Skipping Rocks
Branson, MO— Excess water continues to roar through spillway gates at Table Rock Dam, creating a rare opportunity for engineers to blow off some steam by skipping rocks off the vast overflow going through the dam gates. “I tossed one stone into the top of the gate and it hopped 4 times before splashing down […]
Kitty Littered Lawn Not City’s Problem
Springfield, MO—A nice summer’s day turned ugly for one homeowner after a city street sweeper flung a cat’s deceased body onto her lawn. Apparently, the City of Springfield refused to remove the road kill deposited upon the sod as the decomposing mass did not meet the selection criteria for removal by the street cleaning scout […]
MSU Student Welcome ‘Package’ Features Condom
Springfield, MO—A controversial welcome ‘package’ was sent to thousands of potential Missouri State University students recently. The student mailer included condoms and an ad for a sexually erotic store. Parents are outraged. The packet included condoms from Planned Parenthood and a $15 coupon for the erotic Adam & Eve store. It was sent to an […]
Table Rock Sauna
Branson, MO- What started as a very typical summer with a rainy Memorial Day Weekend has turned into a very atypical June with record temperatures. An unpleasant byproduct of this weather is the already extreme temperature of lake water at Table Rock Lake. Soaring over 90 degrees, local residents and lake goers are reacting to […]
Yakov Billboard Explodes
Branson, MO—A prominent billboard featuring famous Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff exploded last night sending debris across both north and southbound lanes of US highway 65. For years the billboard positioned a smiling image of Smirnoff wearing a muskrat full fur Russian hat while holding a stick of dynamite with a lit fuse that proclaimed “danger […]
