All Entries Tagged With: "battlefield mall"
Battlefield Mall Makes Way For “Diagon Alley: Springfield” Attraction
Springfield, MO – The City of Springfield has agreed to remove portions of the Battlefield Mall to create an attraction that will be known as “Diagon Alley: Springfield”. Diagon Alley is a fictional street in the Harry Potter novels where Harry and his friends shop to obtain school supplies. Because of the large number of […]
Tax Free Weekend Very Taxing
Springfield, MO – After four hours of searching, Shawn Hummerly of Nixa, was found curled n the fetal position near the Battlefield Mall Starbucks covered in trash. His wife and children reported him missing while shopping during the tax free holiday. “When we found him, he was muttering to himself a sort of chant ‘tax […]
Criminals Disobeying Gun-Free Zones in Springfield
Springfield, MO – During the past 48 hours, at least 2 incidents have led investigators to believe that armed criminals are not respecting “gun-free” zones. A recent shooting at Southern Hills Shopping Center and an armed robbery at the Battlefield Mall have experts wondering how criminal minds are not understanding the symbolic circle-with-line-crossing-out-a-gun icon has […]
Crowds Gather Too Close to Battlefield Mall Bomb Scare
Springfield, MO – Crowd gathered uncomfortably close to a bomb investigation this week at the Battlefield Mall, a Simon property. The suspicious device was reported by an astute shopper after seeing a bag on the ground with wires poking out of it. While police determined if armored men or a bomb defusing robot should go […]
Farmer’s Market Throw-Down
Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market […]
Man Lost for Days Inside Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a new pair of jeans. The labyrinth of straight […]
Retailers Greeted with Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was […]
Battlefield Mall to Stage Reenactment
Springfield, MO – In conjunction with the sesquicentennial of the Civil War, Battlefield Mall will be staging a reenactment commemorating its own civil war. Battlefield Mall is in fact not named for Battlefield Street, nor for the town, or the civil war battles. Battlefield Mall is named for it’s own battle, nearly forgotten to […]
Soldiers Help Clean Dirty Senior Citizens
Springfield, MO—Soldiers from Fort Leonard Wood helped clean up several yards of dirty senior citizens in the Ozarks this past weekend. The unclean senior citizens were lined up in section several feet long for the ritualistic cleansing held at the Battlefield Mall parking lot. Some involved weren’t aware of the coming shower, rinse and louse […]
Borders Building To House Barnes and Noble Servers
Springfield, MO- The old Border’s bookstore building has been purchased by Barnes and Noble to be used as storage for their various computer servers. Barnes and Noble, needing the extra server space and bandwidth to deal with the thousands of patrons visiting their web site every day, bought the building for 25 dollars and a […]
Local Woman Fails at Fashion
Hollister MO – Tammy Liebowitz of Hollister Missouri doesn’t know what to wear anymore. The Hollister native has always taken pride in her hometown and was thrilled whenever she went out and saw people wearing Hollister apparel. “For years I would go out and see people wearing Hollister gear.”, she said. “I would also see […]
MAN DOES CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WITHOUT GOING TO THE MALL
Springfield MO – The friends and family of Springfield resident John Dinkleman were shocked recently when he proudly announced that he had finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago without having setting foot in the Battlefield Mall. “Yep, it’s true.”, boasted Dinkleman. “Got er all done without having to go to the Mall. Heck, I haven’t […]
Several Men Arrested for Cougar Poaching
Springfield, MO—This past weekend, Battlefield Mall security apprehended at least eight suspects for cougar hunting out of season. Every year, on the first of August, the cougars tend to migrate back to retailers in an attempt to find good deals on clothing for their young. Known for their ferocious attitude, raw sex appeal and sixth […]
The Heat Is Off
Springfield MO—Relief from the 100-plus degree days of summer will soon be on the way to the people of Springfield. “We didn’t know what to tell people on how to cool down,” said Bill Bosco senior spokesman for the Springfield Health Department. “While driving around doing our health inspections we noticed that people in Southern […]
Local Pervs Devastated by Boobquake Fail
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Not everyone is breathing a sigh of relief now that the planet has been spared the predicted boobquake. Local authorizes have arrested three local perverts, Big Jim and the Twins and another person of interest named Chub for allegedly pitching a tent within 50’ of the entrance to Victoria’s Secret […]
