All Entries in the "Politics" Category
Springfield Youth To Protest RNC and Hurricanes
Springfield, MO- With the Republican National Convention and Hurricane Isaac both scheduled to take place this week, many Springfield youths are set to travel to Florida to protest them both. “The Republicans and hurricanes don’t care about poor people,” says protester Gary Morgan, “One destroyed New Orleans, and the other ruined it.” Many protestors are […]
Todd Akin’s Teachers Blame Themselves Over Gaffe
Everywhere, MO- After Todd Akin’s expressed his belief that women can “shut that whole thing down” (her reproduction system after a legitimate rape), many teachers are stepping forward. The teachers feel that if they just worked a little harder, then Akin would have a better understanding how rudimentary things work, and that a penis is […]
Steelman and McCaskill Battle Over Senate Seat/Life
Mark Twain Forest, MO- Mark Twain Forest was devastated yesterday when two political candidates fought to the death. Mecha-Caskill (Claire McCaskill in her 3.2 million dollar mech suit) and Sarah Steelman met yesterday at high noon on the banks of the Eleven Point Scenic River, and the battled raged for hours over many of the […]
McCaskill raises $2.6 million, Will Use For Ad Blitz, Mailers, Giant Mech Suit
Springfield, MO- Claire McCaskill has had a good fund raising year. With raising 2.6 million in the second quarter, and now having 3.6 million in the bank she is ready to take on a formidable GOP opponent in November. The money will be used for various political tools such as: television airtime for a media […]
Sarah Steelman to hunt GOP Competitors On Secrete Game Reserve
Springfield, MO- Sarah Steelman, one of the 3 candidates for the Republican senate seat, set an elaborate trap for her competition a week ago hoping to seal the nomination. Steelman invited Todd Adkin and John Brunner to a dinner at her Mark Twain Forest hunting lodge. The other candidates gladly accepted, thinking the main topic […]
Voters Approve “Spitting Lougies in Public” with “No” Vote
Springfield, MO – The city populace spoke loudly and proudly with a 65% to 35% vote to approve spitting lougies in public, an amendment to the vote against the repeal of the smoking ban restrictions in Springfield. “Lougies were at one time considered rash and boorish behavior, produced only by those citizens most despised by […]
Rush Limbaugh Bust Put Under Surveillance
Jefferson City (MO) – The House of Representatives has spent $1,100 on a security camera installed specifically to monitor a bust of conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh to honor those who choose to vandalize it. Chief Clerk Adam Crumbliss asked that the camera be installed because of concerns that the bust would be vandalized, […]
Mayor O’Neill Suddenly Re-Signs
Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office […]
Lawrence County Renews Strip Club Tax, Adds “Spice Up the Bedroom” Tax
Mount Vernon, MO- With a Lawrence County 10% Strip Club on the ballots, lawmakers are trying to find other ways to make money in the same vein. With a “Spice Up the Bedroom” tax, couples will be taxed on various sexy items. Items that would be taxed would be: maid outfits, school girl outfits, masks, […]
Silver Dollar City’s World-Fest Block North Korea and Iran Events
Branson, Missouri- With World Fest just weeks away Silver Dollar City is getting ready for the huge festival celebrating multi-culturism. But, officials of the festival have some limits to embracing other cultures, especially when it comes to Iran and North Korea. “Don’t get us wrong, we want to welcome all cultures. But, there are some […]
Man convinced Newt Gingrich is Phil Donahue in Fat Suit
Springfield, MO - Twenty nine-year-old Springfieldian Nat Alther, who is a die-hard Newt Gingrich fan, said he believed the man who has been running for President and calls himself Newt Gingrich is actually Phil Donahue in a fat suit. Mr. Alther discovered this while pretending to be a busboy at a local Holiday Inn where […]
Mayor McCheese Wins MO Caucus!
Springfield, MO – At the Caucuses in Greene County Saturday, an unexpected entry from McDonald’s Mayor McCheese made for some interesting votes. McCheese arrived at the voting just in time for lunch, offering the crowd some free Big Macs, McRibs, and fries. “I heard the clowns were in town and forgot that the Circus was […]
Missouri Primary Results Show We Can Waste Money!
Springfield, MO – Several voters turned out to vote in Missouri’s meaningless Republican primary to prove that Missouri can waste a crap-ton of money on a meaningless and painfully boring activity such as voting for politicians. “Yeah, voting is so much fun!” sneered Nancy Huffingtonmunch, a nasty old woman who felt compelled to volunteer to […]
Nobody To Vote For…Bummer
I proclaim that none of the top candidates running for the GOP nomination are electable. Mitt Romney, while currently leading the pack, seems to say all the wrong things at all the wrong times and his condescending demeanor at the debates makes me want to give this guy the kind of wedgie you don’t recover […]
Man Drives MLK Bridge Over and Over for MLK Day
Springfield, MO – Local man Norm Hugefston decided to celebrate Martin Luther King Day by driving continuously over the Martin Luther King bridge for 8 hours. His trek was sponsored by several friends and neighbors and he raised at least $380.00 to contribute to the local chapter of the NCAAP. “I was wanting to do […]
