All Entries in the "Crime" Category
Local Crack Dealers Unnerved By Prostitution Ring Bust
Springfield, MO – With the recent big bust of a local prostitution ring at the much-heralded eyesore Landmark Building, some local crack dealers took the opportunity to chime in on the situation. “I tell you what, it’s a damn shame, the way this neighborhood has gone to the dogs,” said a dealer who goes only […]
“Safe Place” Signs Scare Locals
Springfield, MO—Springfield residents have been avoiding locations that display signs with the “Safe Place” logo, which features a large yellow creature sneaking up behind and grabbing another person. “I’m not going anywhere near those signs,” said resident, Julie Watterson, “I don’t want to be grabbed.” Like Watterson, most people have interpreted the logo to mean […]
New Crimes Invented at SGF Crime Lab
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State Highway Patrol Crime Lab has recently revealed that it has been working on secret new crimes that could be committed in our lifetime. Some of the rumored new crimes include time traveling into the past and making contact with relatives irrevocable changing the future, gaining access to a parallel universe and […]
McDonald’s Customers Jailed Thanks to Monopoly Game
Springfield, MO – Phillip and Mandy Saunders of Springfield were jailed after getting a “Go Straight to Jail” game piece while playing McDonald’s Monopoly game on Tuesday. The couple was escorted to the Greene County Jail by two pointing, uniformed officers with whistles. The couple has the options of paying 50 dollars or rolling doubles. […]
Giant Motionless Robot Attacks!
Springfield, MO—At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Missouri State University Observatory, reported observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals on the planet Mars. Moments later a large, mostly immobile Martian robot was seen hovering over Jordan Valley Park. The expressionless metallic invader stuck fear into nearby park […]
Outlaw Gang Tracked to Sherwood Forrest
Springfield, MO—Greene County Sheriff’s deputies have tracked an outlaw gang to a Southside neighborhood in Greene County known as Sherwood Forrest located off highway 160 or Campbell Avenue. According to reports, the gang is responsible for multiple thefts across the city, numerous acts of mischief and several drive by arrow shootings. Local resident Gloria Shiffold […]
Criminals Target Teens with Grandparent Scam
Springfield, MO—According to sources, scammers posing as elderly people are calling teens asking them to “bring ‘em their slippers”, “rub grandpa’s feet” and asking for permission to “pinch those cuuuuuuute cheeks” among other things such as money, medicine and fresh baked goods. The ring of criminal activity targets teens asking them for favors. The callers […]
Fugitive Escapes, Trims Hedges
Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail. Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now […]
Citizens On Patrol: Purse Snatching
Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim. Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in […]
Rogue Trees Get Payback
Springfield, MO—During the month of April, local trees claimed to pay back Springfieldians with potential lifetime benefits, however, several trees on the Drury campus had another message for locals. “This tree hasn’t done anything for us lately” and “This tree was kind of a dick to us in high school” messaging was found hanging on […]
Douchebag Sign Warns Residents Of Douchebaggery
Oak Grove Heights, MO—A blinking highway sign in eastern Greene County is catching the attention of drivers. It’s not about road conditions, but a warning that douchebags are on the rise in the area. The sign reads “Sheriff’s Douchebag Alert, Please lock your doors.” It’s sparking a lot of talk, and a lot of d-bag […]
Diners Scramble at Scramblers
Springfield, MO—Scramblers diners were sent scrambling after a rogue driver plowed a gas meter and electrical box. The diners were hustled out of the establishment as a precautionary measure by a manager who shouted “Scramble! Scramble! Get Out!” Scramblers at West Chestnut Expressway was packed at the time and several Customers weren’t immediately sure what […]
Lambert’s Roll Breaks Sound Barrier, Injures Thief
Ozark, MO—According to reports, the role thrower at Lambert’s Café at Hwy 14 and Hwy 65 threw a hot roll that surpassed the barrier of sound Thursday night. Customers eating their hog jowl, fried okra and liver were alarmed by the sound of a doughy ball of carbohydrates exploding past the sound barrier throughout the […]
AT&T’s Customers To Pay Legal Fines, Fees
Springfield, MO—According to AT&T procedures, the excessivie fines incurred by the loss of $7.45 million to the City of Springfield for back taxes and attoryney’s fees will be paid for by customer fee hikes. “Alexander Grahm Bell always said we should tax our customers whenever we fail to live up to our business obligations,” said […]
Branson Landing “Boom Sale” Promotion Backfires
Branson, MO—Yesterday, several Branson Landing vendors were dealt a cruel hand as they launched their newly themed “Boom Sale” to gain additional sales during the tourist off-season. “If we’d known that there was going to be some douche bag placing bombs near ATMs we would have never proceeded with the promotion,” said Branson Landing management, […]
