All Entries in the "Living" Category
Surgical Supply Company Uses Ninjas
Springfield, MO – According to the back of a van, Hankins Surgical Supply employs ninjas to deliver surgical supplies. The quiet, quick and efficient distribution network is responsible for putting surgical supplies into surgeon’s hands before they even know they need it. “Long ago, ninjas were in high demand for their fierce fighting style and […]
FEMA Blind to Disaster in SW MO
Springfield, MO – The Federal Emergency Management Agency denied Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s request for a major disaster declaration based on the number of old refrigerators, bathtubs and automobiles found in neighbors’ yards. In most areas of Taney and Stone County it was very difficult for Federal assessors to determine where tornado damage began and […]
Spring Wakens Famous Ozark Spotted Terror-weevil
Springfield, MO- With warmer weather and brighter skies Ozarkians are looking forward to baseball, picnics, and the awakening of the spotted Terror-weevil. The Terror-weevil can only be seen in the months of March and April where it emerges from deep underground caverns. This emergence (called the Terror Bloom by 1800’s Hill folk) is a rare […]
Beer Tank Swim at Brew Co!
Springfield, MO – To celebrate beer, the Springfield Brewing Company is selling raffle tickets for a 15-minute swim in their beer tanks this week. The tickets are prices at $40 and all proceeds go toward the “Help a White Man Dance” foundation. Participants are excited at the opportunity to actually swim in beer. “Hellz yez, […]
Extremely Slow Car Chase in our City
Springfield, MO – A fleeing perp in a Chevy Dolt led a mad car chase at speeds up to 45 mph through the streets in our fair city yesterday, while veteran traffic Officer Joe Krupke adroitly followed in his government issued Dolt. The chase ended abruptly when the speeding dolt’s battery went dead. Officer Krupke […]
Horse Meat Processing Plant To Offer Horse-Head Delivery for Mobsters
Mountain Grove, MO- Not only will the new Horse Meat Processing plant give Ozarkians the chance to eat delicious horse meat (with 3 different cuts of horse steak: Sea Biscuit, Secretariat, and War Horse), but give an exciting opportunity to ease the minds of local mobsters. With the plant’s streamlined “horse head” delivery system, mobsters […]
Escaped KC Gorillas Found At Wonders of Wildlife; Disappointed It Was Closed
Springfield, MO – Kansas City Zoo officials are investigating how two male gorillas escaped and made their way to Wonders of Wildlife in the Ozarks. The two primates were found confused and bewildered inside of the closed exhibit. “One of the gorillas punched our robotic animated bucks in the nose, upon learning that the museum […]
Sertoma Cook-Off Tsunami Fart Cloud Warning Issued
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the […]
Kaleidoscope Pierces Building Just Because It Can
Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere. “Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce […]
Pink Pony, Purple Burrito Collide: Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito Formed
Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the […]
New Coach line makes debut at Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO – The premier leather bag retailer from New York, Coach Inc., is planning on market testing a new product line at their Battlefield Mall location. Lewis Frankfort, Coach’s CEO, made the announcement in a press release last Monday when revealing the company’s new line: The Coach Bag. “Coach has been commonly confused with […]
