All Entries in the "Living" Category
Sonic Releases “Meth Menu” In Missouri
Cape Girardeau, MO—Seeking to steal share from the QSR burger industry, a Sonic restaurant employee developed a stimulating and illegal menu of methamphetamine infused menu items. The new Meth Menu debut was halted by police who were called to the store in Missouri in the wee hours on Thursday morning. The shift manager, 22-year-old Dennis […]
Riverside Inn’s Ghost Steals, Returns Painting
Ozark, MO—Local haunt Howard Garrison played a final prank on the owners of the Riverside Inn this week by removing belongings from the restaurant. One painting, “View From the Ava Jail” was reported stolen on Sunday, then reappeared on Wednesday. The art was created by Garrison while he was incarcerated in the Douglas County Jail […]
Lazy Neighbor Activates Ever-Present Holiday Lights
Springfield, MO—Neighborhood scourge, Jimmy Holstein, lit up his omnipresent holiday lights on Tuesday, bringing to life a sting of laziness that has hung on his roof since 2005. “The first year Holstein moved in, we all thought it was very festive that he hung Christmas lights. Then New Years came and went, and then Valentine’s […]
Traffic Cones Outnumber Ozarks Population 3:1
Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area. Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits. Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once […]
Show Us Your Teats: Milk Farm Busted
Conway, MO—Last week an undercover sting operation nabbed two crooked felonious outlaws hawking a controlled substance: raw milk. The milk maids nabbed in the months-long operation are charged with the reprehensible crime of selling “raw milk” to two undercover investigators on the parking lot of a Mama Jean’s natural food market. Armand and Teddi Bechard […]
St. John’s Black Friday Sale Discounts Healthcare
Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am. “People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their […]
Cashew Turkey Unveiled For Thanksgiving
Springfield, MO—This Thanksgiving several restaurants in the Ozarks will feature a new holiday treat, cashew turkey. This offering consists of a simple Chinese-American dish that combines breaded deep-fried turkey, cashews, and a thick gravy sauce. Side options include a cranberry dipping sauce or mashed potatoes. Several leading chefs, from bygone restaurants such as Leong’s Tea […]
OM_! Skepticon is This Weekend!
Springfield, MO— Local atheists are considering coming together for an annual gathering but are not sure to trust in what the flyers and event announcements have been propagating. If enough people believe that the event will actually take place, it could be the largest gathering of atheists in the Midwest right here in Springfield. The […]
Truckin’ N’ Tokin’ Transcript Released
Springfield, MO—A Missouri Highway Patrol trooper noticed an illegal license plate on a semi on Interstate 44 just east of Springfield this morning. When he pulled the rig over, the two drivers inside became rather animated as they were stiggity staggety stoned, troopers say. Recovered were 1,350 pounds of pot, packaged in 55 large bundles, […]
Springfield Road Work Everywhere
Springfield, MO—Roadwork across the Ozarks has caused delays at every turn as money is poured into highways, interchanges, traffic signals, lane widening, resurfacing, and pavement sealing. Currently route 60/65 is undergoing replacement of bridges, construction of new bridges and two “flyover” ramps. I-44/Glenstone Avenue is undergoing bridge replacement, ramps rebuilding, and insertion of added traffic […]
Black-Eyed Kids Eat Free at Incredible Pizza
Springfield, MO—America’s Incredible Pizza Company, located at 2850 S. Campbell Avenue, has announced that all Black-Eyed Kids eat free every Tuesday from 5-10 pm. A new Black-Eyed Kids buffet menu has been implemented and executives hope that the new promotion will provide a safe place for the BEK to find ample nourishment. “The Missouri Ozarks […]
Vampire Underground Holds Open House
Springfield, MO—The Ozarks very own Vampire Underground will be holding an open house this Halloween week welcoming community members, vampire queens and other “humans” who might need an “awakening”. The meeting will be held at Hell’s Church in Springfield’s subterranean Jordan Creek Tunnel that runs under downtown. Vampire Underground members David, Paul, Marko, and Dwayne […]
Vaccine Vendors Flourish on “Swine Flu”
Springfield, MO—Street vendors are seeing an increase in business this autumn as the flow of H1N1 vaccine has come to a trickle here in the Ozarks. According to public health officials, doses are now only available via physicians or from hospitals. Those seeking immediate vaccination have turned to the streets, specifically underground vaccine vendors. “H1N1 […]
Dam Engineers Skipping Rocks
Branson, MO— Excess water continues to roar through spillway gates at Table Rock Dam, creating a rare opportunity for engineers to blow off some steam by skipping rocks off the vast overflow going through the dam gates. “I tossed one stone into the top of the gate and it hopped 4 times before splashing down […]
Doctor Collects Lightning for Experiments at Shrine Mosque
Springfield, MO—Local physician Dr. Fran Kenstine has located his new practice in the basement of the Shrine Mosque and has yet to announce formal office hours or accept any patients. In fact, no one has been seen coming or going from the clinic since it opened earlier this month. “I think he must be working […]
