All Entries in the "Living" Category
ZooDoo Program Inspires YouDoo Sales
Sparta, MO—Inspired by The Dickerson Park Zoo’s ZooDoo program, Herb Langford will begin taking reservations for YouDoo — composted Homo sapiens manure — on Friday. The cost is $12 per bucket. A normal pickup truck load is between eight and ten buckets. Customers can request smaller sizes but are asked to bring their own Tupperware […]
Chili Cook-off Releases Giant Fart-Plagues City
Springfield, MO—A grotesque stench filled the Ozarks after the 29th annual Sertoma Club’s chili cook-off propelled a great brown cloud of turd-flavored air into the atmosphere. The Springfield Expo Center was exposed to the most foul and most expected form of gaseous discharge as dozens of local vendors gathered together to prepare gastro-igniting chili dishes […]
February Horoscopes
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Jerichoholics Anonymous Meeting This Sunday
Springfield, MO – This past December, local talk radio station KSGF fired beloved morning show host, Vincent David Jericho. Fans of the local celebrity have come together in this difficult time to form Jerichoholics Anonymous. Their first meeting will be this Sunday. “Vincent David Jericho was a hero in this community! He was a true […]
Groundhog Day Celebrated via Rotisserie
Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers will celebrate Groundhog Day by feasting upon the weather-predicting varmint. Chewy yet nutritious, the humble groundhog has been feeding families in the area for decades. “Used to be we have to go out hunting for the animal, now-a-days we can find them along a side of the road or hiding under […]
Church Traffic Is Parking Lot Purgatory
Springfield, MO —After a wonderful church service preaching harmony and brotherhood, First & Harmony United Church members were hell bent on getting out of the parking lot. Cutting off Deacon Grover, Rebecca Shroud – the Children’s Music Minister – stealthily avoided a collision and exited onto Cherry Street, freed to meet her friends at lunch […]
January Horoscopes
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MLK Celebrated with 24-Hour Sale!
Springfield, MO—January 18th marks a day of social awareness, great sacrifice and fantastic deals now through closing at local retail stores. On this day people of all ages and backgrounds will come together to improve lives by spending less on goods they likely don’t need but would purchase at full retail prices any other time […]
Emoticons Break Harsh Reality of Fortune Cookie Messages
Ozark, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on Highway 14 in Ozark were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions. “’:) You make a bad day worse :)’ was my awful message when I cracked […]
Couple Sneaks Extra Breadsticks into Doggie Bag at Olive Garden
Springfield, MO—A discreet couple smoothly inserted three leftover breadsticks into their Styrofoam take home box Monday evening without raising suspicions among Olive Garden wait staff at Glenstone and Erie streets in the Queen City. Doris and Henry Norton enjoyed a lavish feast of chicken scampi and chicken Alfredo respectively and just received their boxed leftovers […]
Global Warming Dethawed by “Going Black”
Springfield, MO— Citizens are banding together in a grassroots movement to toss aside their “Green” lifestyles in favor of “Going Black” to encourage global warming and increase local temperatures. Sub arctic temperatures have terrorized Southwest Missouri, welcoming snow and ice that has caused discomfort, irritation and a general lack of production. Ozarkers are welcoming global […]
Holy Spirit Guides Drunk Home on Christmas
Springfield, MO—Local business man George Humphrey claims the Holy Spirit guided him home after an hours long drinking binge this past Christmas. “It was a miracle that I made it the 30 miles home, I was slamming beers, ripping shots and poppin’ pills like Amy Winehouse. Fortunately, sweet Jesus took the wheel when I headed […]
Woman Can’t Tell Difference Between Dora, Kai-Lan
Springfield, MO—Local grandmother Ellen Younger frustrated last minute shoppers as she blocked an isle at the Walmart Independence location trying to decipher if the toy she was holding was Dora or Kai-Lan. “Now this must be Dora,” she said holding a Kai-Lan doll. Her shopping partner Nola Rigsby concurred, then retracted her judgment saying, “well, […]
Slim Pickin’ for Parking Spots
Springfield, MO—This holiday season Ozarkers are “pickin’ parking spots” aggressively. Employment of this new method of securing the perfect parking spot in crowded store lots includes use of abusive language, obscene gestures and if needed a common ice pick. Drivers have been seen patrolling lots for several minutes waiting for a prime parking location near […]
Christmas Spirit Sucks Power, Causes Traffic Congestion While Annoying Neighbors
Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music. Locals flock to Kilroy’s street […]
