All Entries in the "Living" Category
Local Woman Finds John Q. Image In French Toast
Springfield, MO – Mrs. Ginger Rinkenbaugh received quite a surprise yesterday morning when the unmistakable image of John Q. Hammons appeared on her second slice of French toast. It was not a sign that she takes lightly in the least. “I had just told my husband, Mortimer, that I was at a loss as to […]
Local Man Has Had It
Springfield, MO – Local zookeeper Adam Wilkins has just about had it, he reported late yesterday. Apparently the pecking order of employees comes at a cost that Mr. Wilkins is no longer prepared to tolerate. “For 11 long years, I’ve lovingly maintained the reptile house, risking my life on several occasions in order to feed […]
Bijan’s Closing = Heartache, End to Pronunciation Debate
Springfield, MO—A Facebook post, tweet, e-mail news release, sky writing, and drunk-text from 417 Magazine confirmed late today that local eatery Bijan’s is closed for good. Local eater of food Shantal Johnson told us, through tears of shock, “I never actually ate there, but my boyfriend and I loved arguing over whether it was “Bee-Janns” […]
Pythian Castle Ghosts Seek License to Haunt
Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Pythian Castle was officially certified as a haunted location; now the castle owner, Linda Finny, says the spooks are taking the next steps to achieve full licensing. “Certification was a long tedious process, but it is essential to earning a full license to haunt,” said Finny. “Paranormal activities in the castle […]
Japanese Beatles Headed to Branson
Branson, MO – Liverpool Legends stage manager, Mitch Grunion, couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the billboard on Hwy. 76 displaying a color ad for the Japanese Beatles performing live at the Butterfly Palace. “Louise isn’t going to like this” he exclaimed as he pulled over to snap a picture of the ad on […]
Man Dies of Good Health
Springfield, MO – A local man was found dead Thursday outside the Roughage Mart health food store on National Street after collapsing from too much health. Wayne Abcruncher, 46, was found by Roughage Mart employee Ashli Wheemonger upon her arrival for work Thursday morning. She said that Abcruncher had been a longtime customer and a […]
Smoking Ban Debated Thru Hole In Neck
Springfield, MO—Roger Thornsburry spoke eloquently through the hole in his neck last night at the Springfield City Council’s public’s opinion regarding the proposed Smoke-Free Air Ordinance. Thornsburry voiced his opinion thru his artificial larynx and pleaded with the nine council members to not “take away my freedoms”. Thornsburry was joined by several hundred other smoking […]
Commuter Drives Speed Limit
Springfield, MO—Local commuter Keith Jonas was seen making a statement to the Springfield community at large. And that statement was “I’m driving the speed limit”. Many interpreted that statement to be the equivalent of a giant middle finger, since it is an unwritten law that you are expected to be going 10-35 mph over the […]
Naked Cooling Center at Ice Park
Springfield, MO—Mediacom Ice Park opened to the general public today as a cooling center due to the heat advisory in Southwest Missouri. Those wishing to take advantage of the cooler temperatures were encouraged to strip off their clothing and sit on the freshly Zambonied ice rink. Hundreds of people showed up to take advantage of […]
“Stonehinge” Not a Typo, Developers Insist
Springfield, MO – A new subdivision in northeast Springfield named “Stonehinge” is apparently named after an actual stone hinge, and is not, as was widely believed, simply a misspelling of the name “Stonehenge.” “Stonehenge” is the name of a prehistoric monument located in rural England built, it is believed, around 2500 BC. “Stonehinge,” on the […]
Man Cheats Life with Disloyalty Card
Springfield, MO—Wednesday Tony Ugumba was provided with a “Disloyalty Card” at his local coffee shop; a card he used to excess. In a 6-hour period, Ugumba effectively destroyed his credit, marriage, and his friend’s trust, all in one afternoon. According to witnesses, Ugumba lied on a loan application to gain access to over $25,000 in […]
Oil-Soaked Fisherman Wash Into Ozarks
Springfield, MO — Oil-covered fisherman and oil-soaked tourism proprietors have reportedly washed into the Ozarks as a result of the Gulf Oil Disaster. The effort to save Homo sapiens affected by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Greene County as people stricken by the disaster move north […]
Feminine-Voiced Man Fed Up
Springfield, MO – Cursed with a voice that is slightly high pitched Springfield resident, Miles Prower, is taking drastic measures to cure the curse of his womanly voice. Prower told Fair City News “I have to make phone calls for my job and I’m just sick and tired of people calling me ‘ma’am.’” (Editor’s Note: […]
Devil Scorpion Turn Ahead
Springfield, MO—Tuesday a motorist encountered a strange street sign and became confused as to the signs intentions. Jill Montery said, “It looked like there was a strange devil scorpion warning sign. I just did a quick u-turn and avoided the street altogether. I don’t like those nasty tailed lizards.” Others have found the sign to […]
June Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt
