All Entries in the "Living" Category
Local Man Too Excited About Today
September 29,2010 is a very exciting day for Springfield resident Tom Banner not because it has any significance, but because it specifically has no significance. “Everyone gets excited about July 4th, or April 20th, but sometimes it takes little useless days to make us step back and realize how wonderful the world is,” Banner said. […]
AREA MAN DISCOVERS “CASHEW CHICKEN” IS JUST FRIED CHICKEN IN OYSTER GRAVY
Springfield, MO – “I’m just beside myself” declares area high school football coach Grant Llewellyn. “I grew up here in Springfield and I’ve always been led to believe that cashew chicken is a rare and incredibly exotic dish that one could only have prepared by highly trained and secretive master chefs of The Ozarks. This […]
Wheelchair-Chasing-Pedestrian Crossing Unveiled
Springfield, MO—A new street crossing has been added to the thoroughfares of town, a place where wheelchair bound people can run down pedestrians in order to cross the road. Several disabled people claim the new sign as a huge success. “I love it. I get to mow people down in my ride if they are […]
Ozarkers Burn Cashew Chicken in Protest
Springfield, MO—Local Ozarkers are turning up the heat to pressure Rev. Terry Jones, the head of a small Florida church, who plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11th. Several southwest Missourians plan to protest Jones’ radical plan by incinerating something close to their hearts: Springfield-style cashew chicken. “I think if you sacrifice […]
Local Man Sloths on Labor Day
Springfield, MO—In an ironic twist, local man Jerry Baker spent most of Labor Day wasting away on his futon. Baker had planned to clean his house, fix his backyard fence and finally get that new coat of paint on his ’84 Chevy pickup, however, he chose to flip aimlessly through his satellite television channels instead. […]
September Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Working of herbal remedies – Musli Kaunch cialis side effects Shakti capsules with plain water or milk for the best results. It’s important to explore all possible solutions with your medical team to be sure that you are […]
New Texting Lane Opens On 65 HWY
Greene County, MO— Driving south on highway 65 became easier over the weekend as the Missouri Department of Transportation opened the countries first 12 miles of the new texting lane from Interstate 44 in Springfield to Highway CC in Ozark. The controversial new stretch of road was opened at midnight on Sunday to avoid excessive […]
Man Finds Fecal Landmine in Backyard
Springfield, MO—A local man found an explosive landmine in his backyard while mowing his lawn this past weekend. Justin Humble, of southern Springfield, claimed he hit the thin dog dirt grenade with his riding lawnmower, but didn’t realize it until several feet later. “Yeah, it was a minute before the effects took hold, I could […]
Hipster Discovers He is a Hipster
Springfield, MO—Last weekend local hipster, Seth Trenton, was crushed to discover that he was, in fact, a hipster. Friends reported that Trenton was socializing at The Outland Bar before heading to one of his friend’s house shows, when, all of a sudden, he dropped his PBR to the floor and ran out crying. “No, he […]
Mannish Hula Dancer Lures Unsuspecting Customers
Springfield, MO—For 24 years, a local frozen treat wagon has employed a hauntingly mannish hula dancer, with enchanting dance moves and gyrations, to lure passing drivers to stop and purchase “whips” to nosh upon after the distracted drivers wreck their vehicles. According to lore, the dancing hula man-thing has distracted thousand of drivers to the […]
Ice Cream Man, Dentists in Cahoots?
Springfield, MO—According to sources, one particular ice cream man, identified as Dave, has been setting up shop outside a local dentist office, apparently trying to rot potential patients’ teeth. “Y’know it looks real suspicious when the local dentist’s office has an ice cream man parked out front. I know times are hard, but to peddle […]
August Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys.Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt
Man Seen Walking on Sunshine
Springfield, MO—Local man, Jerry Wades, was recently seen walking on Sunshine this week. Reports suggest that he wasn’t fully aware of his situation or the irony of his chosen mode of transportation. According to his good friend, Nora Billows, Wades had just received word that he was to receive a promotion at work and was […]
Seven Dwarfs Mansion Nears Completion
Springfield, MO—The much-anticipated completion of an awe-inspiring add-on to an existing Springfield home purchased by the Seven Dwarfs is immanent. Dwarfs’ spokesman Wink Snapdragon said the enormous, Dark Forest-style castle will be home to the diminutive gentlemen made famous in the 1937 Walt Disney animated classic, Snow White. Gargantuan and resplendent, across from Phelps Grove […]
Staxx Owner Buys Jelly Beans, Red Hots, Peach O’s
Springfield, MO—According to sources, Meghan Chambers, owner of Staxx LLC downtown clothing store, has purchased several gummy confectioneries made of sugars, gelatin, corn syrup, and starch. On Tuesday, an employee at the Candy House on South Campbell Avenue confirmed that she saw Chambers picking through an assorted bin of Jelly Belly beans, meticulously picking out […]
