All Entries in the "Living" Category
Birth Celebrated By Smoking Bubble Gum Stogies
Springfield, MO—Following the birth of Nathan and Sandy Brody’s first son at St. John’s Hospital, a tobacco-free campus, celebrators were forced to smoke bubble gum cigars in the couple’s assigned room. “I was so excited to greet my new nephew that I purchased candy, er bubble gum cigars for the event. Given that you can’t […]
December Horoscopes
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Fail Sign December
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Holiday Traffic Destroys Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO—Drivers on local roadways left their homes filled with the holiday spirit, ready to purchase gifts fro loved ones, food for celebrations and packages to pass along holiday cheer. Unfortunately, once these jolly riders reached parking lots known as Glenstone, Sunshine, National or the dreaded Battlefield, all holiday joy was immediately converted into anti-elf […]
Merle’s introduces the “Thanksgiving Dinner Dog”
Springfield MO – In the spirit of the holiday season, Merle’s Hot Dog Emporium has introduced an all-new hot dog that combines all of your holiday favorites. The Thanksgiving Dinner Dog is a turkey hot dog served on two dinner rolls and topped with stuffing, cranberry sauce, and gravy. Local Foodie Charles Nelson Romanowski declared, […]
YMCA Discourages “Butthole-Stamping” in Locker Room
Springfield, MO—Located on the South side of town, the Pat Jones Family YMCA has instituted a 10-minute maximum of naked time in the men’s locker room to improve hygiene, reduce awkward naked conversations, prevent unsightly surprise sightings of ancient arse complemented with a side of gray-haired wrinkle sacks and limit butthole-stamping on locker room equipment. […]
Missouri Farmers Start Elderberry Craze with “What the Hell is An Elderberry Festival”
Springfield, MO – Trying to start new enthusiasm for elderberries, local farmers are headlining a new festival to celebrate the Missouri fruit. The “What the Hell is An Elderberry Festival” will show Missourians all the great uses of elderberries as well as what the hell they are. The many booths will be entitled “Elderberry Wine,” […]
City Residents To Get Porta-Potties
Springfield MO—In an effort to help the city of Springfield make money when people use the toilet, Porta-Potties will soon be in everyone’s front yards. “The city loses money every time someone flushes the toilet,” commented City Manager Greg Burris. “We did not want to dump on another tax increase to people even though we […]
Fire-Roasted Andy’s Custard Announced
Springfield, MO—Andy’s Frozen Custard is announcing a new custard blend following a roof fire to the East Sunshine location. According to sources, the Fire-Roasted Custard will be unveiled next week. The new treat starts with the secret recipe of milk, cream and sugar and features crushed chestnuts, several splashes of Tabasco Habanero pepper sauce, topped […]
Allergy Sufferers “Trumpet” Opening Of Botanical Center
Springfield, MO – The Springfield-Greene County Botanical Center opened this month to a resounding “AAAACHHHOOOOO.” The Center was dedicated Monday, October 11, 2010, to moderate applause and a large round of sneezing from allergy sufferers. Located at 2400 South Scenic, the facility features classroom space, a two-story atrium, gift shops, and a Butterfly House. The […]
Old Law/New Day Help Chicken Owners
Springfield MO—People that finally got the approval to have chickens in the city limits got an additional bonus with the discovery of an old Springfield law that gives chicken owners the right to hang chicken thieves without a trail or due process of law. The law written in 1830′s is still on the books and […]
Purple Burrito Serves Purple Burrito
Springfield, MO—In a surprising announcement, the Mexi-Cali restaurant Purple Burrito has announced that it will be promoting business by serving an actual purple-colored burrito. “Our customers have come to expect authentic Mexi-Cali fusion meals at Purple Burrito so we have decided to up the ante and create a new signature item that will blow people’s […]
Taco Truck Aroma Distracts Drivers
Springfield, MO—The Taco Wagon II at Glenstone and Sunshine has reportedly caused several motor vehicle accidents in the past few months. Drivers are cautioned to close their windows as they approach the mobile Mexican fare unit to protect their olfactory cells and prevent delicious aromas from intoxicating their minds. “I was a-driving down the road […]
Deer Warn of Upcoming Motorist Season
Springfield, MO—Not surprisingly, Missouri leads the nation in vehicle-deer collisions says Buck Muntjac. There are about four million motorists in the state, and a lot of people gather in urban areas where there is a lot of grazing, the humanist with the Springfield Human Studies Center said. That means there are plenty of opportunities for […]
Customer Report: Pizza Less than Incredible
Breaking News Springfield, MO – Local curmudgeon Jeffery Owings has a bone to pick – with Incredible Pizza. “I went to this allegedly Incredible Pizza the other day. I had expectations, let me tell you. And guess what? They weren’t met, no sir. Not in the least. The pizza was far from incredible. It was, […]
