All Entries in the "Food" Category
Branson Blasted For Serving Patrons Under 65
Branson M0- After a police sting operation, numerous restaurants in the Branson area have been found guilty of serving patrons under the age of 65. Branson known as the “Vegas of the Mid-West With Colostomy Bags” prides itself to be the vacation spot for the old and old at heart. Many of the “youngins” […]
Alco-Haul Longs for Prohibition
Springfield, MO—Management of local beer and wine delivery service, Alco-Haul, recently stated that they wished that Prohibition would be reenacted to bring more excitement to their job. The team argues that if alcohol were outlawed, delivery of products would be much more fun as they would have to shake the fuzz while making the […]
Cinco de Mayonnaise Celebrated in Ozark
Ozark, MO—Phillip Hershaw and Chad Netmeg celebrated Cinco de Mayonnaise on the fifth of May this year as a tribute to the heritage of French culinary arts, which unbeknownst to them, flies directly in the face of Cinco de Mayo, a celebration that commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle […]
Osama Sushi Roll Unveiled in Ozarks
Springfield, MO—Local sushi hotspot Komodo Dragon has unveiled it’s latest creation: the roll they are calling the “NoMoOsama Roll”. Made up of roasted goat, a dash of crude oil and just a hint of spent ammunition, the NoMoOsama is a hit with local patrons who wish to celebrate the demise of Public Enemy Numero […]
Slow Foods Featured at Moxie
Springfield, MO—To celebrate Earth Day, Slow Foods of Southwest Missouri is hosting two movies at the Moxie Cinema tonight, however Moxie management insists that the theatre food is indeed served quickly. “No, no, you see there are two movies, Fresh and The Vanishing of the Bees that are dealing with the slow food movement. It […]
Einstein Bros Bagel Company Creates Uranium Enriched Bagel
Springfield, MO- After years of pain-staking research, Einstein Bros Bagel Company finally created its first uranium enriched bagel. The bagel has not only been described as delicious, but also low in fat and high in death; the destroyer of worlds. The bagel is on sale now and is a big hit with numerous demographics. […]
Three Tourists Beheaded at Mexican Villa
Springfield, MO— Mexican Villa, a long-standing Ozarks’ tradition of fine Mexican Food saw three tourist’s heads removed with satisfaction last night. The diners were invited by their local hosts as guests to enjoy the Mexi-Ozarks cuisine; none expected heads to be lost over the meal. Lori McUli said, “our friends were in from Columbia […]
Vineyard, Pancake House Merge to Form “Martha’s”
Springfield, MO—In this economy, local businesses are seeking unconventional ways to stay afloat, recently Martha’s Pancake House and Martha’s Vineyard decided to make the journey to profitability together by merging together to form “Martha’s.” The new joint venture will feature 24-hour combination of pancake house during the day and a gay nightlife destination during […]
PUBLIC CELEBRATES “REDUCED PRICE CHOCOLATE DAY”
Springfield, MO – As news spread of plentiful chocolate supplies left over from Valentines’ Day, stores have drastically reduced the price of sweets packaged in red and/or heart shaped containers beginning February 15th. Chocolates can now be found up to 50% off at most chocolate merchants around the area. Local candy store owner Julie Sweet […]
Brown Derby Actually Black
Springfield, MO—According to sources, the Brown Derby is actually black. Brown Derby, one of America’s 10 Best Retailers according to Liquor Store Magazine, is recognized as the Ozarks leading provider of spirits, wines and confusing combinations of logo colors and names. Since 1937, the store has featured a black line drawing as the store’s leading […]
McDonald’s Overwhelmed With People Preparing For Snow Storm
Springfield, MO. –Deemed the worst storm to hit the Ozarks since 2003, the massive snow storm front sweeping the nation has been called many names such as: “Snolocaust”, “Snowpocolypse”, even “Snowmageddon”. Its impending smack down in our region has local residents preparing for the worse. “I’m not going to get caught with my pants down […]
3-Way Craigslist Ad Leads to Steak n Shake
Springfield, MO – An ad posted on the popular classified site Craigslist recently promised area residents a 3-way if they went to the corner of Campbell & Swan or Glenstone & Cinderella. Johnny Moronico of Bois D’Arc replied to the ad only to find he was getting Chili from Steak N Shake and not the […]
Pizza Hut Offers New Robbers’ Delight Pizza
Springfield, MO – Following the robbery of a local Pizza Hut this weekend, the company is now offering a new dish. Along with their “Meat Lovers” and “Pepperoni Lovers” specialty pizzas, you can now purchase your own “Robbers’ Delight.” This brand new pie comes loaded with your favorite toppings and a deep pan crust. The […]
Local Stoners Disappointed by Lack of Munchies
Springfield, MO—City Councilmen Doug Burlison, and Dan Chiles spoke to a packed crowd at their forum on medical marijuana at the Library Center last evening. The crowd was an odd mix of the immensely old and the college hippies marking the first union of these age groups since the 1985 Congressional hearings on music censorship […]
Birth Celebrated By Smoking Bubble Gum Stogies
Springfield, MO—Following the birth of Nathan and Sandy Brody’s first son at St. John’s Hospital, a tobacco-free campus, celebrators were forced to smoke bubble gum cigars in the couple’s assigned room. “I was so excited to greet my new nephew that I purchased candy, er bubble gum cigars for the event. Given that you can’t […]
