All Entries in the "Featured" Category
Hipster Couple Mistakenly Enters Actual Old Bar
Springfield, MO – Unwittingly Lars Nettles and Feather Presnorth, a hipster couple here in the Ozarks, stumbled into one of the area’s oldest and coolest bars by mistake. The duo are known for discerning taste in watering holes and the late night entrance into Silverleaf Taproom on Republic road was a rare swerve in straight […]
Pillar of Salt Discovered on Commercial Street.
Last month, a work crew digging up the old storm sewers on Commercial Street uncovered a pillar of salt, about the size and shape of an adult human female. The contractor contacted the city and concerned C-Street business owners. If this turned out to be some kind of a bog person, it would have to […]
Fantastic Caverns Hosts Storm Refugees
Springfield, MO – Hordes of people have flocked to the ancient tornado protection grounds known commercially as Fantastic Caverns. Citizens and local government have relocated temporarily to avoid dangerous storms and will remain submerged until the storm season passes in October. “I’ve heard of entire mobile homes driven into the caves, there is an entire […]
Yoga Classes Land at SGF Airport
Springfield, MO – Stretching and uncomfortable poses will be encouraged at the Springfield-Branson National Airport this week as new instruction-guided yoga classes will be offered to passengers. The new programming is intended to provide relaxation to customers either before or after flight. “I am so excited that we’ll have a chance to relax in the […]
Clown vs King in SGF
Today the McCheese administration was accused by Ronald McDonald of treason for selling McRibs to Burger King. Next week, BK debuts a new rib sandwich which is described as a carbon copy of the McRib, leading to the accusations of treason. Ronald stated to FCN, “We thought we had the lock on Mystery Meat, and […]
Barker in Branson
The appearance of Price is Right legend Bob Barker in town included a visit to ‘The Price is Right Live’ in Branson. Barker commented, “When I heard they hired Jerry Springer to do my show live in Branson, I needed to give him some pointers on how to do the show right. I whipped [Drew] […]
“Mom-Seat-Belt” Formed Across The Ozarks
Springfield, MO – In a touching show of motherly support, thousands of people aged 2 to 92 extended their right arm across the person’s chest to the right of them, thereby forming the largest mom-seat-belt chain in the world. The mom-seat-belt stretched nearly 19 miles and ran from downtown Springfield to the square in Ozark, […]
Opponents of Decriminalization Accidentally Picket Anti-Discrimination Group
Springfield, MO – A group of highly vocal demonstrators surrounded City Hall yesterday expressing their feelings against ‘crimiluh-zation’ of any sorts. What they lacked in vocabulary was more than made up for in their gusto. “No more criminalazation! No more weedings!” were the chants overheard near downtown. Sexual orientation demonstrators were seen at City Hall […]
Man Resolves to Not Make Resolutions
Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life. “Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing […]
Being Social…
Being social is not as fun as it used to be. It has become a lot more difficult as I get older as is the case with frequent urination and an overall inability to control my anger towards slow drivers and balloon making clowns. Frankly, I find that having to be social has become the […]
New Downtown Club “Voodru” Opens
Springfield, MO—The Ozarks newest nightclub, Voodru, opened this past weekend amid the Mardi Gras bar crawl. The club is located in the Woodruff building in downtown Springfield at St. Louis Street and Jefferson Avenue. The Woodruff Building, originally opened February 1, 1911, has seen several businesses come and go including local lawyer offices and the […]
