All Entries in the "Featured" Category
President Obama Weighs in on Kewpies Mascot Name
Columbia, MO – President Barack Obama says he would “think about changing” the Hickman Kewpies’ mascot name if he went to school there as he waded into the controversy involving a word many consider offensive to naked babies everywhere. Obama, in an interview with The Associated Press, said school names such as the Kewpies offend […]
Globetrotters vs. Baldknobbertrotters at Silver Dollar City
Branson, MO – After purchasing the rights to the Harlem Globetrotters, Silver Dollar City parent company HFE, is planning to build a new section of the park to feature the traveling basketball team and provide an arena for “home” games. While appearing at the Silver Dollar City Arena the team will play a stooge team […]
Chaos Reigns When Federal Hilly-Bill Reserve Loses Funding
Springfield, MO- Due to the government shut down, many federal funding projects are losing not only financial support, but many valued and skilled employees are being furloughed. Nowhere is this more damaging than the Ozark’s own Federally Funding Hilly-Bill Reserve. With no electricity to power the 5,000 volt fences or no money to pay guards armed […]
Snake Oil – October
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River of Cashew Chicken Gravy Discovered Beneath Downtown Springfield!
Springfield, MO – Culinary scientists have recently uncovered a rare and fantastic discovery running beneath the streets of downtown Springfield: a river of cashew chicken gravy! The discovery was made following a recent sinkhole collapse near South and Park Central Streets. The cavern is now opened to a depth of 30’ where a steady stream […]
Lost Man Eats Friend to Survive Corn Maze
South of Springfield, MO – Local buddies Matt Roppen and Jeremy Koffrot had planned to enjoy a scary experience at Campbell’s Farm’s haunted maze and came away with an entirely horrific experience: trapped in the maze for 2 weeks, Roppen was reduced to commit acts of cannibalism in order to survive the corn labyrinth. Officials […]
Solar Farmers Market Hits the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Area residents are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Missouri’s largest solar energy farm late next spring and the Solar Famers Market that it will provide. After it’s built on 40 acres in eastern Greene County, the five-megawatt project between Springfield and Strafford will be the hippest place to pick up solar-powered […]
Lambert’s Employee to Undergo Tommy John Surgery
Ozark, MO – In the past few years, professional baseball has seen an abundance of pitchers having Tommy John surgery. However professional athletes aren’t the only people injuring their arms. Matt Garvey, a roll throwing specialist at Lambert’s Café in Ozark, Missouri, has been throwing rolls with the café for three years, and after a […]
With Jails Full Springfield Plans “Escape From New York”/“Hunger Games”/”Battle Royale” Solution
Springfield, MO- With Springfield jails overcrowded and many jailers calling it quit, Mayor Jim Morris has a drastic play in place to both relieve the overcrowded prison system and tax payers’ pockets. It is dubbed: Escape Game Royale. Based on numerous movies the plan is simple: The Nature Center has been converted to an arena […]
Johnny Morris Made Mayor Of Springfield
Springfield, MO- With the news breaking of Johnny Morris, founder of Bass Pro, making the Forbes 400 list of richest people in the nation, Springfield has just decided to make him mayor of the city. “If he could turn a bait-and-tackle shop to a multimillion dollar corporation, what will he be able to do with […]
MSU Freshman Becomes 100% Adult in One Month
Springfield, MO – Only one month after leaving her home for MSU to pursue her bachelor’s degree, Becky Wolf has reached total and complete adulthood. Becky, a Communications Major, who just recently enjoyed wild high school parties, immature boys, and frivolous pop culture fads, is now focused on securing a stable future. “This did happen […]
Army Corps Refuses Rain Water for Table Rock Lake
Branson, MO – The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced Friday that its agreements to run Table Rock Lake, including acceptance of rain water, was beyond the scope of the Corps’ authority. Tours of Table Rock Dam have been canceled, as have any natural collections of rain water, but all other recreation areas on the […]
