All Entries in the "Sports" Category
SGF Cardinals Adopt “Rally Bass”
Springfield, MO – To capitalize on the success of the St. Louis Cardinals rally squirrel, the local farm team has adopted a team mascot equally powerful in producing wins. The new mascot has ties to the Ozarks and is simply known as the “Rally Bass”. The Rally Bass was first seen floppin’ his way from […]
Academy Sells $0.20 of Goods to Curious Ozarkers Opening Weekend
Springfield, MO – Newly opened sports and outdoor company Academy celebrated a grand opening weekend welcoming thousands of visitors who combined for $0.20 worth of sales for the retail giant. Most folks who visited the store left empty handed but with a good idea of what goes into a huge building with lots of expectations. […]
Office NFL Jersey Day Taken Too Far
Springfield, MO – Employees at Jimmerson Accounting were deeply offended today when VP of Operations Lance Figpie came dressed as an Oakland Raiders fan. The office had declared today as “wear your team jersey day” to celebrate the opening of the NFL season. Figpie took the spirit day too far according to co-workers. ”Lance showed […]
Golf a Civil (War) Game This Weekend
Springfield, MO – Wilson’s Creek National Battlefield Superintendent Mort Meek announced today that, due to weather conditions and topographical need, the Sesquicentennial Re-enactment of the Battle Of Wilson’s Creek will be take place at Highland Springs Country Club this weekend. Over 3000 smelly, wool-clad, Union and Confederate would-be’s will take the field beginning this […]
NFL Lockout Fantasy League Over
Springfield, MO – Uber fantasy dorks were saddened to learn that the NFL lockout has passed this week and that they will now be forced to participate in regular season fantasy football. One player, Jeb Hontie said, “Man it was like the planets were aligning and opening up a parallel universe for us to play […]
Brass Knuckle Deer Season Announced
Springfield, MO—The local office of the Missouri Department of Conservation has announced the creation of Brass Knuckle Deer Season. Beginning August 13 and running through August 25, punchers will be allowed two unconscious bucks per hunter, per season. Doe punching will not be allowed as this falls under state statute regarding wife beating. Department […]
Hologram Charlie Spoonhour to Coach Bears
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University Men’s Basketball team has a new leader on the court after the athletic department announced that they would be relying on a hologram of Charlie Spoonhour to coach the team. “It makes a lot of sense for us to bring back Coach Spoonhour, albeit as a digital projection of his […]
Mother Nature Gives Cardinals Out
Springfield, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals canceled their exhibition game against Double-A Springfield set for Tuesday night at Hammons Field, citing an ominous possible defeat at the hands of the underling team. Tuesday’s match was set for 7:07 p.m. and officials expected to draw a sold-out crowd of more than 9,000 before the “big” Cards […]
Kyle Weems To Run For Mayor
Springfield MO – Kyle Weems was late getting to the press conference to discuss the Missouri State’s basketball involvement in the NIT postseason tournament. He was seen shaking hands with fans, hugging old ladies and kissing babies. When he finally took his seat he had the following comments. “Look I am glad as the next […]
Bears Snubbed from NCAA, NIT and 2012 MVC Tourney
Springfield, MO—Fans of Missouri State University basketball were dealt a crushing blow yesterday with the early announcement that their men’s team would not be extended an invitation to the NCAA, the NIT, nor next year’s Missouri Valley Conference Tournament. “We’re hoping to crush any existing hope in southwest Missouri right now,” said NCAA administering […]
Priest Holmes Inducted Due to Fantasy Value
Springfield, MO—Former NFL running back, Priest Holmes was swarmed by uber-fantasy football geeks on Sunday eager to meet the man who propelled them to fantasy victories. This past weekend, Holmes was inducted into the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame for his contributions to fantasy football players in Missouri. Said one attendee, Norm Hamilton, “I had […]
MSU Bears Offer Pacemakers to Fans
Springfield, MO—The Missouri State University athletics department will be offering branded pacemakers to any interested fans due to the heart-racing ending of most men’s basketball games. Pacemakers can be picked up at the JQH Arena ticket booth Monday through Friday from 1-4 pm. “We’re literally killing our fans with excitement, each game is coming down […]
Local Man Text Jinxes Bears
Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss. “Everybody knows with the game on […]
Twenty-Four Springfield Cardinals Suddenly Fall From Sky in Central Springfield
Springfield, MO—At approximately two o’ clock Wednesday afternoon, twenty-four Springfield Cardinals spontaneously fell from the sky, littering central Springfield with dead bodies. It has yet to be determined what caused the sudden drop of these baseball players, or what they were doing in the sky, for that matter. Chris Pilgrim was in the area walking […]
Rain Dance Flub
BeeBe, AR. – News of the estimated 1,000 dead black birds that seemed to rain from the sky last Friday in nearby Arkansas has authorities and locals stumped as to the cause of this strange event – until now. Local medicine man of the Quapaw Ouachita Mountain Indian Reservation has came forward and confessed that […]
