All Entries in the "Business" Category
Woody Does Justice to Entrepreneurial Spirit
Springfield, MO – Jeweler (by personal request) to The Ozarks, Woody Justice, recently designed and introduced a new line of revolutionary engagement jewelry featuring the Ball and Chain Pendant. “This concept, developed right here at our Springfield store, puts a whole new spin on the contemporary marriage scene.” Justice proclaimed. “With so many guys unwilling […]
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
New Ziggie’s Opens in Basement
Springfield, MO—According to sources, a new Ziggie’s restaurant has opened in the basement of Randolph Heckerson’s home at 2348 S. Tucker. The new location will feature the same trademark menu and atmosphere as existing restaurants currently in operation around the Ozarks. According to Heckerson he found the business after returning home from work as an […]
Woodruff, McDaniel Buildings Sold To History Channel
Springfield, MO—The Woodruff and McDaniel buildings on Park Central East have been sold to the History Channel to be featured on a future episode of Life After People. A History Channel representative said filming will begin once the buildings start to show signs of visible decline, which should be soon since the utilities have been […]
Local Man Offers City $3 For Vacant Lot
Springfield, MO – Floyd Harvill is making the City of Springfield an offer that he claims would be “irresponsible to refuse.” With the City recently taking back the much-hyped vacant lot after negotiations with local hotelier Johnny Q. Hammons failed, Harvill thought it was a good time to act. “Fortune favors the bold, and lightning […]
City Considers Urban Cockfighting to Boost Economy
Springfield, MO—The city’s planning department is considering creation of an ordinance allowing Springfield residents to keep fighting roosters to boost the economy. Backyard gamecock ownership is a worldwide trend that the City plans to capitalize upon. Citizens are invited to attend the American Gamefowl Society meeting to gather public comment on raising cocks tonight at […]
Hammons to Fork Over Land
Springfield, MO—After paying $7 million dollars for the vacant lot next to the Springfield Expo Center, John Q. Hammons plans to sell back the property to the City of Springfield for $1.00, after spending $500,000 on plastic forks to be inserted into the land. Hammons released a statement to the Springfield Business Journal saying he […]
Hobo Fountains Open In JVP
Springfield, MO—Hobos around the country are rejoicing the opening of the Ozarks Stream and Fountain at Jordan Valley Park. Hundreds of vagabaughns are expected to take advantage of the free running water to cleanse themselves for the first time this year. “Baffs are good to have whens you gots fresh water running. The fountain is […]
Local Post Office Tests Stamps for E-mail
Nixa, MO—In the wake of the recent projected financial loss of more than 7 billion, the United States Post Office has been searching avidly for new sources of revenue or cost cutting methods, and they just might have found one: stamps for your e-mail. “We had heard that there was a way to transmit letters […]
Cauliflower Bank Opens
Springfield, MO—A new vault of sorts has opened on the south side of town, one that allows customers to stockpile vegetables of a certain variety, specifically cauliflower. The new cauliflower bank sprung up as a resource for food stockpiling and is sponsored by AGCU and features a huge stalk of cauliflower as the logo. “The […]
Wal-Mart Replaces Greeters with Chimpanzees
Boliver, MO – Negative customer feedback has led Wal-Mart to begin replacing door greeters with trained Chimpanzees. “In test studies, we found that the chimps were seen as more friendly and could respond more quickly and expertly to customer concerns than the current door greeters,” said Wal-Mart public manipulations representative Sanford Serifftico. Chimps will also […]
Local Video Store takes on Netflix, Redbox
Springfield, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Southwest Missouri market. “People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with […]
Google’s Fiber Could Make Springfield Go 100x Faster
Springfield, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”. “Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at Missouri State University. According […]
Developer to De-Booger Hickory Hills for Retail Space
Springfield, MO—A buyer has purchased the former Hickory Hills School and plans to turn it into retail space after a strong de-boogering effort cleans the building. Built in 1951, the structure at 3429 E. Chestnut Expressway has been exposed to nostril snot hiding for nearly sixty years. “You never know where a wad of slimy […]
Tanning Tax Talk Tightens, Wrinkles
Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer. “I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that […]
