All Entries in the "Business" Category
Heerpees Disease Spreads to Buildings
Springfield, MO – Concerns for the health of vacant buildings in Springfield have been raised by city officials since a developer for Hickory Hills missed a payment deadline on the property. It appears the same problems with Hickory Hills and the Heers building are strangely similar. To see if the problems with these properties […]
City to Hire Red Light Regulators
Springfield, MO—City council is suspending efforts to re-activate its red light camera system and opting to hire 12 people to monitor traffic at major intersections. The new hires are possible due to sales tax revenue increases of 2.28 percent over last year. These new Red Light Regulators will be the first new hires in […]
Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs
Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21st. When the earthquakes didn’t […]
Ghetto Ziplock® Brand Baggies Introduced
Springfield, MO—Locally based Jordan Valley Innovation Center has introduced a new product to the marketplace: Ziplock® branded ghetto baggies. The new sealable, portable storage devices are decorated with colorful graphics and have an urban look and feel for users who prefer to carry their perishables with more street cred. Innovation scientist Herby Jamison said, “No, […]
Giant Fly Zapper Atop St. John’s Rids City of Mosquitoes
Springfield, MO—A new feature will be added to the cross that resides on St. John’s Hospital this Spring—a new zapper element to eliminate nuisance bugs in the Springfield area. The St. John’s bug zapper, known as Cross Zapper 3000, is anticipated to attract and kill more than 200,000 disease-carrying insects in a single evening. Pending […]
Nixa Software Opens For Agro-Techs
Nixa, MO—Seven acres of software opened in Christian County on Highway 14 and 160 this week as Nixa Software welcomes digital loving rural customers who will be provided with high-tech gear for getting chores done around the house or the ranch. “I bought my daddy a iPhone holder belt buckle, his phone just slides […]
Trap Door/Wolf Pit Added To John L. Morris’s Office
Springfield, MO—Last week John L. Morris, owner of Bass Pro, defended a need for trap-door/wolf pit added to his office. “I know due to the tough economic times many higher levels executives are called to tone down superficial items. But, a hidden trap door leading to a wolf pit is an absolute necessity,” stated […]
Pole Dance Workout Offered at Pony Club
Springfield, MO—The Pony Club, a local gentlemen’s club, is offering pole-dancing workouts during the day in an attempt to reach a new crowd of local health-seeking patrons. The classes will be offered during the club’s off hours, at 8, 9 and 10 am Monday through Friday. “We thought we could capitalize on our empty […]
Fair City News Regresses in Technology
Springfield, MO—Local satire news publication Fair City News has regressed in technology going from online blog format to the printed press. The move was made 12 months ago and readers seem to have embraced the failure in tech-forward movement. “I personally thought the move to print was great, I always need a worthless rag to […]
Borders Building To House Barnes and Noble Servers
Springfield, MO- The old Border’s bookstore building has been purchased by Barnes and Noble to be used as storage for their various computer servers. Barnes and Noble, needing the extra server space and bandwidth to deal with the thousands of patrons visiting their web site every day, bought the building for 25 dollars and a […]
Sauna-vator Installed at Hammons Tower
Springfield, MO—Building officials confirmed that a new elevator with sauna-like properties has been installed inside one of Springfield’s most posh, luxury-office complexes, the Hammons Tower. Office tenants are encouraged to disrobe upon entering the Sauna-vator, drape a towel around their backside and enjoy the benefits of weight loss, detoxification, negative ions and lower blood pressure […]
Anticipated Snow Melt To Boost City’s Revenues In An Unlikely Way
Springfield, MO – As local temperatures begin an anticipated 70 degree swing towards the positive over the next few days, Springfield City Council is planning on generating some revenues in a most unusual way….they’ll be selling off all of the surplus salt they’ve accumulated for this storm to local Chinese restaurants. “I don’t know about […]
Fortune Telling Lawyer Open for Business
Springfield, MO—Local attorney Newsome Higsby has moved his law practice into a former fortuneteller’s office on Glenstone and St. Louis Street in Springberg, hoping to glean some otherworldly help in his caseload. Higsby said, “The space has a special aura about it. I think that most defendants would appreciate help from beyond the grave, and […]
Mary Kay Meeting At Pink Cadillac Lounge
Springfield, MO—Newly hired Mary Kay representative, Joan Fingersaver, recently booked the annual Mary Kay annual chapter meeting at the best location she had never visited, the Pink Cadillac on South Glenstone Street. “Oh no I’ve never been there but I thought it would be the perfect place for our meeting, I mean, we drive pink […]
Apple Posts 2010 Profits Due To One Local Fanboy
Springfield, MO-Apple, the maker of the popular iPhone, iPad, Macintosh computers, and countless other technological gadgets posted a profit of 16 billion dollars for the year, 2010. “We’re excited about the numbers for the past year,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “It was a record year for the company and we would first and foremost […]
