All Entries in the "Business" Category
Google Hipster Car Driving Around SGF
Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture […]
Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities
Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or […]
UNINTELLIGENT WOMAN SURPRISINGLY WORRIED ABOUT EMAIL DELIVERY
Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts. “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and […]
Celebration – Missouri is the Number 1 State! (in meth busts)
Springfield, MO – It is our privilege to announce that the state of Missouri is first among the Union. Yes, the Show Me state is now the number one state in the continental and non-continental states to lead the nation! It doesn’t really matter what we’re doing to lead the pack, we should revel in […]
iPod-People Graphic Suggest Ozarkers Obsessed with Death
Springfield, MO – OzarksFirst is featuring a new social commenting graphic that depicts all Ozarkers as death-commenting gossipfuls. “When I look at it I expect the shadow people to be dancing like the iPod commercials, then they spew out these death-dedicated topics…pretty creepy to me,” said Andrea Fazzinoko. The new graphic was created to show […]
Farmer’s Market Throw-Down
Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market […]
Apple Tent Opens at Target
Springfield, MO – Reports of an Apple Store coming to the Ozarks are being held under tarp and rope in the Target parking lot at Primrose & Glenstone. Local shoppers are excitedly anticipating the tent flaps to fly open and Macbook Airs to fly out at discounted prices. Jerry Donwhat said, “Man, I just know […]
John Q Hammons Secures Naming Rights to Self
Springfield, MO – John Q. Hammons has recently offered up, and subsequently secured the naming rights to himself, staffers close to the local entrepreneur and real estate magnate say. The negotiations regarding the name change were reportedly heated, involving several business leaders and major companies. In the end Hammons won out, and plans to enact […]
FCN Goes Dark for 24 Hours
Springfield, MO – Fair City News is going dark today not in support of the SOPA and PIPA protest, but to promote world peace. World peace and one hundred million dollars….in unmarked, non-sequentially numbered small denominations. Yes, Fair City News is going dark today for world peace, one hundred million dollars in small unmarked bills […]
Residents Mourn Inevitable Closing of Newly Opened Store
Springfield, MO – Downtown Springfield shoppers got a treat this Monday when “Munch ‘n Muse” treated customers to free peach vegemite cupcakes during their grand opening celebration. The store, which sells designer cupcakes, indigenous Australian artifacts, and locally produced art and figurines, will cater to downtown shoppers looking for a creative gift or snack- until […]
No Pants Elevator Ride at Hammons Tower Today
Springfield, MO – The annual “no-pants elevator” event at Hammons Tower is scheduled to take place today to align with the NYC No Pants Subway ride coordinated by Improv Everywhere. The Ozarks do not have a subway system so the elevator ride up to the top of a large building is the best big city […]
CU Water Tower Located Underground Thanks to God Particle
Springfield, MO – The board of public utilities voted to secure an underground location to house a new water tower. The new tower will be housed 3 miles underground northeast of Highland Springs Country Club near Farm Road 189 and U.S. 60. The board appeased objections to residents living both sides of U.S. 65 near […]
Salvation Army Invades Iowa to Secure Funding
Springfield, MO – Citing a lack of donations, the local chapter of the Salvation Army has invaded Iowa to make up a 20% difference in fundraising this year. Red Kettle Special Forces landed on the ground a few days ago to secure additional funding for the agency. “Mission Bell Ringer is an attempt to bring […]
SOLO to Open Huge Frozen Yogurt Company
Springfield, MO – Peachwave, Fro Yo, Orange Leaf, Andy’s, and other frozen dessert companies, this is your warning: Solo Cup has announced that they will soon be serving the largest frozen yogurt in the Ozarks. Solo Cup, a plant that has been dormant for several years, has recently made plans to serve the creamy goodness […]
Goths Reintroduced to Downtown Square
Springfield, MO – The Missouri Department of Conservation has successfully baited and trapped 49 goths for reintroduction to their natural habitat on the downtown square. The goth population was temporarily removed while their homeland was undergoing improvements. According to reports, the department will test the goths for a series of diseases before the can […]
