All Entries in the "Business" Category
Albino Farm to Open Tanning Salon
Springfield, MO—Legendary spook site, the Albino Farm at Springlawn Farm, has a brand new surprise for the area, a tanning salon. Albi-No-More is set to open this Saturday, the 31st. The so-called Albino Farm has for years been notorious in legend for being haunted, by either an albino ghost caretaker, or an albino ghost family, […]
MO D.O.C. Reports Positive Economic Numbers
Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007. The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. […]
Fremont Hills to Purchase Surplus Springfield Land
Springfield, MO—The City of Fremont Hills is looking to purchase surplus property from the City of Springfield. Springfield has surplus property that it is looking to discard in exchange for some much needed cash reserves to supplement the Police-Fire Pension Fund. Fremont Hills has placed sealed bids on the first group of properties for sale. […]
Abercrombie & Fitch Markets Reality In the Ozarks
Springfield, MO—After numerous years of scantily dressing store models, clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch is taking a new approach to merchandising with a dose of reality. This fall, the Battlefield Mall location will be one of a handful of selected stores to participate in a pilot promotion program to fully dress each reality model within […]
Nixa Beckons the Internet Fairy
Nixa, MO—The City of Nixa hopes to get commercial high-grade internet service by installing internet fiber lines provided by the internet fairy. Currently, all members of the city council have written letters to the internet fairy asking for the speedy gift of transmitting large files, super-fast emails and quick screen load times. This idea started […]
The Great Woody Justice Caper Attracts Muppets
Springfield, MO—A $10,000 Diamond ring has been hidden somewhere in town, prompting hordes of Muppets to descended upon the city to find the jewels and clear Mrs. Piggy’s name in the process. When reached for comment a manager at Justice Jewelers said they had no idea such a large number of animated puppets would take […]
Duracell Charges to Pension Rescue
Springfield, MO— Battery company Duracell calls Springfield one of the cities most likely to experience power outages in the nation. The company promises to provide battery power to Springfield and four other cities during a promotional campaign. From the press release, “With an average of 27 severe-threshold thunderstorms annually, Springfield has one of the highest […]
This Year Nixa Sinkhole is Financial
For the third year in a row the Nixa area has been hit with a surprise sinkhole, although this year it is an altogether different kind. In the two previous years the ground caved in swallowing all the land and whatever happened to be built on top of it. This year the financial market caved […]
Missouri Economic Development Director Now Jobless
Jefferson City, MO— Linda Martinez has been laid off as Missouri‘s economic development director after only eight months on the job. She decided to lay herself off due to economic pressures and in an effort to reduce overhead on the Show-Me State. Martinez, the first woman to hold the position, told Governor Jay Nixon that […]
Plaza Towers Ultimately Just One Tower
Springfield, MO— For years the Plaza Towers, a landmark building, has been referred to in the plural, now counting experts agree that only one structure exists at the corner of Glenstone and Sunshine. After several minutes of speculation and observation, one man Kris Flinger confirmed that the Plaza Towers “seems to be only one tower”. […]
New Teen Texting & Driving Ban Texted to Teens
Springfield, MO—Last Friday, Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Springfield teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.” State officials said the […]
MSU Receives Geek Grant for $248,000 Microscope
Springfield, MO—Biology, physics and chemistry geeks at Missouri State University “flipped their collective shiz-nit” upon learning they received a grant from the National Science Foundation to pay for a $248,350 microscope. Purchase of a state-of-the-art confocal microscopy system will occur during the fall semester. Upon hearing the news, MSU President Michael T. Nietzel said, “we […]
NorthStar Battery Recharges Local Employment Rates
Springfield, MO—NorthStar Battery intends to hire up to 500 people over the next few years for the new plant it has built in northwest Springfield. Company, city and civic officials celebrated the completion of the new plant by licking both the male and female connections of nine-volt batteries. “Zzzz-ow!” cried one official after feeling the […]
Car Dealer Gets Special 0% APR Government Loan
Springfield, MO—The Missouri Small Business Loan Program has pre-qualified Patterson Auto Group to receive a LOW! LOW! No-interest! NO payments until 2012, Special 0% interest rate, APR for 70 months, pre-owned 2009 loan of $25,000.00*. Owner Darin Patterson said all he needed to do was to push, pull or drag in his old loan in […]
Economy Gives the “Q” New Events
Springfield, MO— The “Q” arena will be hosting job fairs, breadlines and unemployment registrations in August and September of this year to fill the entertainment void at the facility. The new $67 million cathedral capable of attracting thousands of people isn’t getting the entertainment events like developers first anticipated so the state is stepping in […]
