All Entries in the "Economy" Category
MO D.O.C. Reports Positive Economic Numbers
Jefferson City, MO—Missouri‘s Department of Corrections has announced that the state’s prison population has reached an all-time high amid poor economic conditions. This is the first report from a government agency regarding positive growth since mid-2007. The Department director attributes the fantastic growth numbers to an increase in criminal activity, due to soul-crushing economic pressures. […]
This Year Nixa Sinkhole is Financial
For the third year in a row the Nixa area has been hit with a surprise sinkhole, although this year it is an altogether different kind. In the two previous years the ground caved in swallowing all the land and whatever happened to be built on top of it. This year the financial market caved […]
Missouri Economic Development Director Now Jobless
Jefferson City, MO— Linda Martinez has been laid off as Missouri‘s economic development director after only eight months on the job. She decided to lay herself off due to economic pressures and in an effort to reduce overhead on the Show-Me State. Martinez, the first woman to hold the position, told Governor Jay Nixon that […]
NorthStar Battery Recharges Local Employment Rates
Springfield, MO—NorthStar Battery intends to hire up to 500 people over the next few years for the new plant it has built in northwest Springfield. Company, city and civic officials celebrated the completion of the new plant by licking both the male and female connections of nine-volt batteries. “Zzzz-ow!” cried one official after feeling the […]
Car Dealer Gets Special 0% APR Government Loan
Springfield, MO—The Missouri Small Business Loan Program has pre-qualified Patterson Auto Group to receive a LOW! LOW! No-interest! NO payments until 2012, Special 0% interest rate, APR for 70 months, pre-owned 2009 loan of $25,000.00*. Owner Darin Patterson said all he needed to do was to push, pull or drag in his old loan in […]
Economy Gives the “Q” New Events
Springfield, MO— The “Q” arena will be hosting job fairs, breadlines and unemployment registrations in August and September of this year to fill the entertainment void at the facility. The new $67 million cathedral capable of attracting thousands of people isn’t getting the entertainment events like developers first anticipated so the state is stepping in […]
Crowds Love Trashing I Love America
Springfield, MO—After the final sparkle, crews exploded onto the grounds of the area’s largest Fourth of July celebration. Volunteers worked for hours to clean up the mess left behind at the I Love America Festival. It took the crew of about a hundred 14 hours to finish the clean up at Springfield Underground. “I love […]
Tabuchi’s Toilets Take the Urinal Cake
Branson, MO—It’s a contest to promote cleanliness in public restrooms, but the Shoji Tabuchi luxurious bathrooms feature amenities that would make Bacchus—Greek god of excess—blush. “The restrooms themselves are a showcase themselves,” said the theater’s Assistant Executive Assistant to the Executive Producer’s Assistant, John’da Leeky confusing herself. “Everytime I walk in there it’s (gasp) this […]
Branson Airport Sees Infinity Percent Growth over May 2008
After months of posting no gains in passenger numbers traffic hit an unexpected surge in May. Airport officials said Thursday that May passenger numbers were up “like a ka-jillion percent” compared to May 2008, marking the airport’s busiest month on record. The increase comes after several years of and flat figures. “The May numbers are […]
Large, Inflatable Gorillas Hit Hard By Ozark Car Dealers Closing
Ozark, MO—The recession has found itself yet another victim. Due to car dealerships closing all over the Ozarks, large inflatable gorillas have found themselves out of work with no means of supporting their large inflatable families. “Mojo sad,” said Mojo, a large inflatable gorilla, after seeing his large inflatable pink slip. Mojo has a similar […]
Farmers Black Markets Corrupt Springfield Commerce
Springfield—Economic pressures continue to create new markets in the Ozarks for goods and services not easily acquired. Recently, crowds of shoppers are rumored to be attending farmers black markets popping up around the city. These dens of phantom trades promote sellers ready to move illegal goods. Amish who peddle copyrighted digital materials, local farmers with […]
GM merges with MGM to form MGMGM
Giants merge based on shared fondness of letters “G” and “M”. Springfield – General Motors Corporation said it completed its $540 million merger with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer studios today and informed most employees that they have lost union representation but gained another “G” and two “M”s to their company name. Local GMC dealer Thompson Buick Pontiac GMC […]
Kamikaze vehicles destroying remains of economy
One store at a time, vehicles avenge poor auto sales. Springfield—For the past three months, Springfield businesses have been singled out and attacked by merciless and meticulously planned automobile strikes. One local retail storefront per month has been crushed by high-speed attack. “Ramming storefronts is just wrong. I mean, we have complaint boxes for suggestions […]
